“There is a lovely place that just opened up and I’d like you to spend a few days there to see if it might be a nice place for us to retire to. I’ll be moving in too, as soon as I clear up some paper work and get the house ready to be sold.”
If something gentle and peaceful like this might work, give it a try. If she’s focused on the idea that she doesn’t have a memory problem, then stay with HER thinking. You know better than anyone else what will be soothing and will help her to move forward as comfortably as possible.
Has it become progressively more difficult for you to manage her personal needs by yourself? Are you comfortable with placing her in full time care?
Does she argue with you about allowing you to help her? Finally what “experts” have you consulted? Are you satisfied with their conclusions regarding your wife’s needs?
As to when to tell her, I’d ask the people who will be meeting you when she arrives. In memory loss, the “when” is not too important, since it will likely be quickly forgotten, but if you expect her to become upset or troubled, wait until the morning she’ll be moving to her new residence.
Also be sure to ask the residence staff how often you should attempt to visit or get in touch with her during her first few days. It is often better to stay away until she becomes more familiar and comfortable relying on the staff who will be taking care of her.
Don’t get too far into details. Stress how pleasant, friendly, and peaceful the new setting will be for her.
It sounds as though you’ve covered most of the toughest part. Try to relax yourself a bit too.
Memory Care facilities are not just for the elderly! Professionals have seen caregivers in their 50's die before their loved one with dementia. The stress takes a toll especially on spouses and I was warned it was not safe for me to be alone at home with my spouse. Shortly after that warning he was violent and I went through 6 months where the was no facility that had staffing to take him. We as caregiver's need to stay alive to be care-advocates for our spouse. Without the warning of professionals I did not know, I would be dead. Now I deal with him being comatose for 5 years and I am able to go the grad school for my Master's - I once again have "purpose" to live my own life.
When someone has early onset Alz, they can need 24/7 care even at the early age of 64.
My Mum's best friend was younger and it literally killed her husband keeping her at home. Once he died, her daughter had her put into a nursing home with a memory care wing. She lived another 20+ years, but only her body was alive, her mind was gone.
Before her husband died, she became increasingly violent. She no longer recognized her husband and thought he was a rapist one night when they went to bed. Another day she took a carving knife to him. It was devastating to see her lose her mind.
I have no idea if her quick decline from an active women who worked for the provincial government, belonged to social groups, entertained often, to a scared, violent shell is a common feature of early onset Alz, but let me tell you it was sad and scary.
My brother was driving an eighteen wheeler a year ago and has declined very rapidly and severely. We are waiting for the results of an MRI, CT scan and blood work for my brother that the neurologist ordered. I strongly suspect he has early onset dementia, Our grandfather died of dementia at 69. He is only 64 and totally unable to manage his affairs, doesn't take his meds, will only eat pizza even though his 22 year old daughter takes him grocery shopping and suggests healthier alternatives. Yesterday she went with him to the bank so she could be a signer on the account, got cash for the landlady, and bought groceries. Today I asked him how yesterday went and he couldn't recall a thing. He's forgotten where his daughter lives even though he cosigned her loan last spring and has done work at her house. There are so many instances of loss of memory, reasoning and problem solving.
He lives by himself and sleeps about 12 hours a day. I live 1500 miles away, and his daughter lives 45 minutes away. She works full time and goes to college. She's always been daddy's girl and I know it is heartbreaking for her to go through this. She's been great at taking him places, like the attorney's when we set up POA paperwork as well as the doctor's. We have another brother 1000 miles from him who is on board with decision making and finances.. Last week he and I came to the conclusion our brother needs to be in assisted living of some kind where he can get three meals a day, someone can help him with his meds, he can meet a lot of people, and be a lot closer to his daughter. He was the suspicious type before all this so I don't see him being comfortable with in home care.
I contacted our elder law office for help and the first thing she needs is a diagnosis from the doctor and she will help us find the best place for him and assist with his Medicaid. So I've done all the right stuff by him. But the grief has been unreal. I'm much closer to him than I was to my parents and his terminal condition has affected me far more than when my parents were close to death. If Covid wasn't an issue I would go visit. I don't know how to tell him. Perhaps he and my niece can go to the attorney's office and I can be a part of the conversation by zoom. I hope that talking up being a lot closer to his daughter, three squares a day snd no more worry about bills or cleaning will help.
Is this early onset Alzheimer's? I think the best thing is to tell her honestly. When matters little as it won't be retained. What and how is important. Was she diagnosed early enough to understand the disease she has, and where it would lead? This was the case with my brother and his Lewy's. We were honest with one another, we planned and strategized together. Happily, for him, for me, he did not live long enough for the long descent into the disease. How much of what you say will your wife retain? For me it would be simply to gently explain that the time had come when she was not safe at home in my care, when I could no longer watch over her, and that I would never abandon her, and would see her often, but that she would be moving someplace now where I hoped she would be happy and comfortable and safe. There is nothing else really you can say or do, and there is no way you can make this nice. She will likely be angry, will mourn; this is worth mourning. What bigger loss can you imagine than this. She has a right to mourn this. I am so very very sorry. She is so very young. I hope you are seeking help, support groups, whatever you can find, because this is the beginning of such a real loss of your wife. Her body is there, but her mind, her memories will not be. I recommend reading everything that Oliver Sacks ever wrote; his study was the mind changed, his life spent on it. He believed that victims of this dementia have a world; it is just a world so changed from ours we cannot recognize it. Another good book is Still Time by Jean Hegland; she worked in memory care for a long time as a volunteer. As a novel it isn't real life, but follows the going into care of a Literature Professor, and is told from his own perspective.
My husband’s neurologist also thought it was time (and our therapist) and my husband was 65. I want quite ready, but thought it would be best for him. I was still working then and he went to an adult day care, but it was too stimulating. I had a person come to our house before that and it wasn’t enough socialization. I told him it was like the adult day care but they had nurses to help with his brain (he was aware his thinking was compromised). It was very hard on me, but he adjusted immediately and loved it. He loved being with others. It was a small facility (24 people in two buildings), so it wasn’t overwhelming. I could have meals with him and take him out and he was fine. It was his home. He’s progressed quite a bit and is in a nursing home under hospice care now. Best wishes.
I really wouldn't care what the "experts" say, what do you say? 64 is really young to be placed in a memory care facility. Are you just not able to deal anymore with her at home? Have you tried getting a Home Health agency involved with her care? It does sound though by the wording of your question, that you've already made up your mind, and are just wanting to know what and when to tell her she's going there. I guess if it were me, I would just have to tell her the truth. By being honest and upfront, you can tell her the many reasons why you aren't able to care for her at home anymore, and that you want her to have the best care possible. Perhaps then she won't feel like you just dumped her in a strange place, and left her. Wishing you the best.
The experts say it's time but where are YOU in her caregiving. Are you at the end of your rope or has caring for her so far been manageable? What do you think will make it intolerable for you if you continue caring at home? Many dementia patients can spend their entire life at home with their caregiver. Their behavior may be quite benign. On the other hand, some can be violent, have disturbing delusions, be wanderers, or present serious safety concerns at home. My wife was a wanderer, had delusions I was going to harm her, tried to jump out of a moving car. Those were behaviors I couldn't manage. Conversely, I know some caregivers whose LO passed away at home because their behavior was very manageable. Certainly those caregivers had to adjust to accept their new realty and it wasn't all smooth going. With the help of home aides and palliative or hospice care, the situation was manageable. So what is your caregiver limit? When will you say “I've done my best but I can't do anymore”? If you're already there, then placement in a facility is appropriate.
Moving a spouse into MC is an emotional, nerve racking, and anxious experience. But if you no longer can care for her, you can still provide care for her. I took my wife with me to visit some facilities and told her we should look at senior living and maybe sell the condo. Once inside I emphasized the beautiful fireplace, courtyard, beauty salon, meal prep and other amenities. I'm not saying it will work for you because those things may not be important to your wife. There are no magic phrases or words to make this an easy transition. I hope other responses from the forum will help you.
If something gentle and peaceful like this might work, give it a try. If she’s focused on the idea that she doesn’t have a memory problem, then stay with HER thinking.
You know better than anyone else what will be soothing and will help her to move forward as comfortably as possible.
Has it become progressively more difficult for you to manage her personal needs by yourself? Are you comfortable with placing her in full time care?
Does she argue with you about allowing you to help her? Finally what “experts” have you consulted? Are you satisfied with their conclusions regarding your wife’s
needs?
As to when to tell her, I’d ask the people who will be meeting you when she arrives. In memory loss, the “when” is not too important, since it will likely be quickly forgotten, but if you expect her to become upset or troubled, wait until the morning she’ll be moving to her new residence.
Also be sure to ask the residence staff how often you should attempt to visit or get in touch with her during her first few days. It is often better to stay away until she becomes more familiar and comfortable relying on the staff who will be taking care of her.
Don’t get too far into details. Stress how pleasant, friendly, and peaceful the new setting will be for her.
It sounds as though you’ve covered most of the toughest part. Try to relax yourself a bit too.
My Mum's best friend was younger and it literally killed her husband keeping her at home. Once he died, her daughter had her put into a nursing home with a memory care wing. She lived another 20+ years, but only her body was alive, her mind was gone.
Before her husband died, she became increasingly violent. She no longer recognized her husband and thought he was a rapist one night when they went to bed. Another day she took a carving knife to him. It was devastating to see her lose her mind.
I have no idea if her quick decline from an active women who worked for the provincial government, belonged to social groups, entertained often, to a scared, violent shell is a common feature of early onset Alz, but let me tell you it was sad and scary.
He lives by himself and sleeps about 12 hours a day. I live 1500 miles away, and his daughter lives 45 minutes away. She works full time and goes to college. She's always been daddy's girl and I know it is heartbreaking for her to go through this. She's been great at taking him places, like the attorney's when we set up POA paperwork as well as the doctor's. We have another brother 1000 miles from him who is on board with decision making and finances.. Last week he and I came to the conclusion our brother needs to be in assisted living of some kind where he can get three meals a day, someone can help him with his meds, he can meet a lot of people, and be a lot closer to his daughter. He was the suspicious type before all this so I don't see him being comfortable with in home care.
I contacted our elder law office for help and the first thing she needs is a diagnosis from the doctor and she will help us find the best place for him and assist with his Medicaid. So I've done all the right stuff by him. But the grief has been unreal. I'm much closer to him than I was to my parents and his terminal condition has affected me far more than when my parents were close to death. If Covid wasn't an issue I would go visit. I don't know how to tell him. Perhaps he and my niece can go to the attorney's office and I can be a part of the conversation by zoom. I hope that talking up being a lot closer to his daughter, three squares a day snd no more worry about bills or cleaning will help.
Was she diagnosed early enough to understand the disease she has, and where it would lead? This was the case with my brother and his Lewy's. We were honest with one another, we planned and strategized together. Happily, for him, for me, he did not live long enough for the long descent into the disease.
How much of what you say will your wife retain? For me it would be simply to gently explain that the time had come when she was not safe at home in my care, when I could no longer watch over her, and that I would never abandon her, and would see her often, but that she would be moving someplace now where I hoped she would be happy and comfortable and safe. There is nothing else really you can say or do, and there is no way you can make this nice. She will likely be angry, will mourn; this is worth mourning. What bigger loss can you imagine than this. She has a right to mourn this. I am so very very sorry. She is so very young. I hope you are seeking help, support groups, whatever you can find, because this is the beginning of such a real loss of your wife. Her body is there, but her mind, her memories will not be. I recommend reading everything that Oliver Sacks ever wrote; his study was the mind changed, his life spent on it. He believed that victims of this dementia have a world; it is just a world so changed from ours we cannot recognize it. Another good book is Still Time by Jean Hegland; she worked in memory care for a long time as a volunteer. As a novel it isn't real life, but follows the going into care of a Literature Professor, and is told from his own perspective.
Moving a spouse into MC is an emotional, nerve racking, and anxious experience. But if you no longer can care for her, you can still provide care for her. I took my wife with me to visit some facilities and told her we should look at senior living and maybe sell the condo. Once inside I emphasized the beautiful fireplace, courtyard, beauty salon, meal prep and other amenities. I'm not saying it will work for you because those things may not be important to your wife. There are no magic phrases or words to make this an easy transition. I hope other responses from the forum will help you.