My mom lives with me and my husband for the last 5 years.
She has slowly declined.
She cannot sleep in a bed.
We set her up in a recliner with her c pap and all the things she needs in the living room. My husband and I don't care because most of the time it is just us three.
When people come to visit, she is where she needs to be.
Because of covid my daughter did not come to visit for almost 2 years.
So for Thanksgiving this year, we were all able to be together.
I have 2 grandsons. 1 from each daughter.
They turned my house into their own private rompers room. Just made a mess of everything. The noise was very annoying.
It aggravated my mom. So she was constantly telling the boys to be quiet. So was I telling them. This aggravated my oldest daughter.
My daughter wants me to put my mother in a room by herself when she comes over.
I told her I will not do that.
I would have to move everything and I just don't have the energy or the will to do that. She was here 2 days and she said she can't stand it and she won't be back. Telling me that she gave me a solution and I refuse to do it.
When she got home. She lives 3 hours from me. She called me and was telling me everything she thought I did wrong in her life. I couldn't believe the things she was saying to me. I defended myself and it infuriated her saying I'm in denial.
There was no reasoning with her and after what seemed like forever she then hung up on me.
I've had disagreements with her before but nothing like this her dictating what I need to do or she won't be back and her son will not come up for the summer.
My grandsons are very active.
I put up with it cause I love them and want them around.
When those two get together it gets very noisy. One is 10 years old and the other is 5.
We can not trust them to be together alone. The 10 year old tries to hurt the 5 year old.
He is jealous of him. The 5 year old lives near me and I see him almost everyday. Mom and I both look forward to seeing them. But he is noisy all by himself. They both are.
I don't know what I should do about my daughter.
I don't want to change anything about the setup I have with mother. It works for my husband and I.
I don't know but I've been praying.
Your daughter is at fault here. There is a certain way you behave in someone elses house even if a grandmother's. Your daughter should be more sympathetic to her grandmother.
And bringing up the past. My oldest has always dramatized things. My youngest is a realist. Oldest will say something happened a certain way and youngest will tell her that's not the way it happened. I have a SIL I have never gotten along with. For years we spent Thanksgiving with my MIL and sometimes that meant going to SILs because MIL was there. Oldest made the statement one day she never understood why I went to SILs house for TG when we didn't get along. I said because ur grandmother was there. Oldest's response "Oh". We were told by a therapist even if we didn't agree with something our oldest said, acknowledge that's how she preceived it. "Sorry, never knew u felt that way".
To be honest, you and daughter may need some therapy sessions together. Why does she feel that its OK for grandson to act the way he does? Why aren't her grandmothers needs important? The elderly cannot take all that running around and screaming. I can't take that running around and screaming. Children are children but there is a time and place for everything.
For example: would it be possible to have the next holiday at a rented party room? My SIL did this when they downsized into an apartment after they sold their home. They were hosting Thanksgiving because I host Christmas and I can't do both. The party room was very nice, with a large tv, a full kitchen and lots of space for the kids to run around -- less worry about stuff getting bumped, more space to separate your mom from the noise & activity. It will be clean when you get there, then you just clean it up before you leave. Or, maybe arrange for your mom to go to adult day care for part of the day when the kids are at your home? Not saying any of these are a solution, but just encouraging you to think outside the box and be willing to be flexible -- your grandkids will grow up quickly and you don't want to miss that! Blessings to you!
BUT - I think she's trying to emotionally blackmail you: do as I say, or lose access to your grandchild. I think that's pretty reprehensible on her part. If things are as you say, it seems to me like her issue isn't your caregiving for your mom, it's that while you do so, her child can't run uncontrolled through your house as I suspect he does through hers.
Just as she has the right to set boundaries, so do you. You mom notwithstanding, she should not allow her child to misbehave in your home, especially if you have told him and her that his actions disturb you. And if he's hurting his 5 year old cousin - how does your other daughter feel about this?
The next time she tells you to do as she wishes or she won't be coming to visit, call her bluff - "gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you." Because I really think the more you acquiesce to her demands, the more she's going to demand of you.
I'm sorry that she doesn't like your set up; she is free to set a boundary and decide not to visit.
You can't change her mind. Keep in touch via phone, text and cards.