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My mom lives with me and my husband for the last 5 years.
She has slowly declined.
She cannot sleep in a bed.
We set her up in a recliner with her c pap and all the things she needs in the living room. My husband and I don't care because most of the time it is just us three.
When people come to visit, she is where she needs to be.
Because of covid my daughter did not come to visit for almost 2 years.
So for Thanksgiving this year, we were all able to be together.
I have 2 grandsons. 1 from each daughter.
They turned my house into their own private rompers room. Just made a mess of everything. The noise was very annoying.
It aggravated my mom. So she was constantly telling the boys to be quiet. So was I telling them. This aggravated my oldest daughter.
My daughter wants me to put my mother in a room by herself when she comes over.
I told her I will not do that.
I would have to move everything and I just don't have the energy or the will to do that. She was here 2 days and she said she can't stand it and she won't be back. Telling me that she gave me a solution and I refuse to do it.
When she got home. She lives 3 hours from me. She called me and was telling me everything she thought I did wrong in her life. I couldn't believe the things she was saying to me. I defended myself and it infuriated her saying I'm in denial.
There was no reasoning with her and after what seemed like forever she then hung up on me.
I've had disagreements with her before but nothing like this her dictating what I need to do or she won't be back and her son will not come up for the summer.
My grandsons are very active.
I put up with it cause I love them and want them around.
When those two get together it gets very noisy. One is 10 years old and the other is 5.
We can not trust them to be together alone. The 10 year old tries to hurt the 5 year old.
He is jealous of him. The 5 year old lives near me and I see him almost everyday. Mom and I both look forward to seeing them. But he is noisy all by himself. They both are.
I don't know what I should do about my daughter.
I don't want to change anything about the setup I have with mother. It works for my husband and I.
I don't know but I've been praying.

If your daughter has a 10 year old who can't be trusted to be around a 5 year old cousin, she has one heck of a big problem.

I'm sorry that she doesn't like your set up; she is free to set a boundary and decide not to visit.

You can't change her mind. Keep in touch via phone, text and cards.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I would be asking her what is wrong with her life and if she has sought out any help. To behave this way and the way her son is behaving is acting out and is usually caused by big life problems. Is baby daddy around at all? Does your grandson have any medical issues? Is she having difficulties dealing with his behavior?

Not being able to trust him with his cousin is a HUGE warning sign of things not right. This is more then jealousy.

I tell my family, my house has rules and your children know them, you know them, if you don't correct them, I will and I guarantee that you won't like it and neither will your kidlet. I actually put one nephew out the front door in the rain because he didn't want to follow the rules and tried pulling a screaming tantrum to get his way. Didn't take long for him to apologize and get to come back in. Mom was mad but, oh well, she didn't deal with it so I did.

There is a time and place and holidays at grandma's house or anyone's is not one of them. If you need to burn energy, outside.

Inside voice or outside voice apparently doesn't exist anymore? Kids need to be taught that they don't get to behave in a way that negatively impacts others. That's life and applies in every situation.

Letting kids behave like little monsters isn't doing them any favors and it makes life for everyone harder then it has to be.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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If you, your husband and your mom are good with how things are set up in your home, then you don't have to change anything for your daughter. As Barb said, she is free to visit or not, as she sees fit.

BUT - I think she's trying to emotionally blackmail you: do as I say, or lose access to your grandchild. I think that's pretty reprehensible on her part. If things are as you say, it seems to me like her issue isn't your caregiving for your mom, it's that while you do so, her child can't run uncontrolled through your house as I suspect he does through hers.

Just as she has the right to set boundaries, so do you. You mom notwithstanding, she should not allow her child to misbehave in your home, especially if you have told him and her that his actions disturb you. And if he's hurting his 5 year old cousin - how does your other daughter feel about this?

The next time she tells you to do as she wishes or she won't be coming to visit, call her bluff - "gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you." Because I really think the more you acquiesce to her demands, the more she's going to demand of you.
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Reply to notgoodenough
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Before I read other responses I will share my thoughts.

I am sorry you are going through this. I think if where your mom is in your home is what works for you best then you do not change it (since it is not an easy move). If you don’t think there is an easy solution to move mom then she should respect that.

I would suggest maybe trying some noice canceling headphones for mom to try maybe when the kids come over as I don’t want you to sacrifice your time with your grandchildren - as you deserve that.

My mom is also in the middle of my home - so I know it is not easy to move them. I’m in Florida so it is much easier to have gatherings or do things outdoors - so as I said maybe trying some headphones for mom so it can give her a break from the noise? See if that helps.

Now in regard to the things your daughter said to you - in the past decade I have learned that just because I didn’t think i did anything to hurt someone doesn’t mean that wherever they were in their life - their day - etc that they were not affected by something I might have done. It doesn’t mean I wanted someone to feel the way they felt nor does it mean I did anything purposeful - but in life we can never tell someone what they felt - I have learned to validate someone’s feeling - I try my best to see if I did something I was unaware of or if maybe that person was in the midst of something that it just felt that way to them.
Put 10 people in a room and read a statement - every person will read the statement or process it in a way that reflects where they are in their day - their life - usually not one of us is the same - this is how relationships get hurt and then these blow ups can happen. Years back when a best friend told me I hurt her - I thought no way - “I adored her - “she has and still is my best friend since I was 5” but fact is in my crazy life and busy days she started getting hurt - she didn’t feel important to me - I had to put myself in her shoes and say “I know I never thought I was hurting her but in that moment she did feel that way” - I validated her - she realized I never saw it - it doesn’t mean she was right nor I was right - it just meant she needed more from me and I wasn’t seeing her enough that she felt hurt. Now we communicate better - but it made me realize all the times I felt hurt by someone - and they honestly probably didn’t see it - we are all so very different - we all have different ways we love and see each other - I now give people the chance to say “oh my I had no idea you felt that way” - the brain and heart can confabulate our feelings. It can fill in things that didn’t happen just by what and where we are at in our lives that day - it’s why the game telephone always ends up with the wrong ending - our brains can place things in there based off of our emotions. So just breathe - maybe reach out to your daughter and ask to talk. Explain to her that you love her - you are not in denial - you never meant to hurt her and if you did - you were u aware. Wishing you better days - better communication and peace for all of your relationships - also keep yourself happy in the mix as you and your thoughts and feelings matter as well- try to find a compromise with your daughter - tell her you understand that it’s not ideal and maybe things like getting a hotel - getting your mom some headphones - planning an outing to burn energy of little kids so they are not cooped up the whole visit - trips to a playground - hiring a friend to even entertain/sit with ur mom a few hours - so your daughter feels like she gets time with you - etc - don’t give up on the relationship and get angry - just tell her that you hear her - but she also has to hear you and that your open to additional things but it is too much to move your mom every visit. 🦋
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Reply to Momheal1
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Kittybee Dec 5, 2021
What a nice response!
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Nothing like a daughter who cannot control a 10-year-old (where's Dad?), doesn't like to see Grandma because she's icky, and then decides her failures as a decent human being are your fault.

If her upbringing was so terrible, then she could make lemonade from those lemons, but she's a weak person who doesn't take responsibility for her own life and decisions. Her maturity is stunted, and that's not your problem.

I recently heard that the latest thing for young people is to sever ties with their so-called "toxic" parents rather than act like adults and seek a solution to problems. It's a childish approach, but everyone's decided their own mental health is far more important than family so there it is. Sounds like you have one of those silly, woke children. Again, not your fault, so just let her have her little tantrum, and don't change a thing about YOUR home.
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Reply to MJ1929
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Tothill Dec 1, 2021
As someone whose father decided before I was 2 years old that I was damaged and not worth love, affection etc. If he could have he would have had me institutionalized as a toddler, I strongly disagree with your statement that my mental health is not to be valued and protected from further abuse.
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I read this as older daughter being selfish and a bully and the behavior has filtered down to and manifested to the insecurity of her son.
Why's a 10yr old jealous of a 5yr old cousin he presumably doesn't see often?

I think it's mean of her to want grandma shut away in another room away from the family. That I don't understand.

Maybe ask your younger daughter if she has any insight to what's going on with her sister? It sounds like deep seated something she's been dwelling on for years.
I have a sister like that - jealous of another sister to the point of very ugly expectations.
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Reply to Mamacita24
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At 72 I think I have the right to tell my grandson to sit down and be quiet. If you can't be then go outside to play. Its my home, my rules and its always been that way. The 10 yr old should know better.

Your daughter is at fault here. There is a certain way you behave in someone elses house even if a grandmother's. Your daughter should be more sympathetic to her grandmother.

And bringing up the past. My oldest has always dramatized things. My youngest is a realist. Oldest will say something happened a certain way and youngest will tell her that's not the way it happened. I have a SIL I have never gotten along with. For years we spent Thanksgiving with my MIL and sometimes that meant going to SILs because MIL was there. Oldest made the statement one day she never understood why I went to SILs house for TG when we didn't get along. I said because ur grandmother was there. Oldest's response "Oh". We were told by a therapist even if we didn't agree with something our oldest said, acknowledge that's how she preceived it. "Sorry, never knew u felt that way".

To be honest, you and daughter may need some therapy sessions together. Why does she feel that its OK for grandson to act the way he does? Why aren't her grandmothers needs important? The elderly cannot take all that running around and screaming. I can't take that running around and screaming. Children are children but there is a time and place for everything.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Adding if your other daughter of the 5 year old lives near you why not have the celebrations at her house. Mom can see everyone there for an hour or so and go back home to the peace and quiet.
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Reply to sp19690
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Sounds like she is projecting her frustrations on to you. There are calm ways to discuss past issues of treatment ( my mother and I have had many talks like you described ) I finally sought help for trauma I had and found that in the past I didn't deal with my close family the best.
It's your home, YOUR RULES. Her home, her RULES. Don't let her use children as bargain chips or emotional blackmail. Ahhh She will get old one day or suddenly disabled like me at 36 and man will her perception change about family and caretakers....Love to you
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Reply to GBSandRA
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Here is my 2 cents worth.

Something I noticed, Your mother seems to spend a lot of time in her recliner. Please watch out for bedsores on her bottom. My neighbor spent a lot of time in a recliner, even sleeping in it, and he got pretty bad bedsores.

Is there somewhere the boys can play with noise, but I would NEVER leave them alone. To be hurt by a cousin who is supposed to love you and to have the adults in your life let it happen, is unconscionable. Do you have an outside place or a garage where they could go and be supervised. Your mother needs to tone it down too. Compromise.

I came from a very dysfunctional home and I wasn't a very good mother. I knew it, but didn't know what to do. To make a long story bearable, I finally, told my daughters I was getting therapy to stop the chain of abuse. Some of the things my therapist told me to tell my one daughter when she attacked me verbly was. (1) You could be right! I'll have to think about it. (2) I did the best I knew how to at the time. (3)I Iooked for help. (4) I have learned a lot since then. (5) I did try to keep you children safe. (6) it was over 20 years ago. I did offer to pay for their therapy for awhile, this was done in a loving manner. I have apologized several times for hurting them. I didn't mean to.

Not now when feelings are so raw, but later on, try to find why your 10 year old grandson is acting out. He may have some disabilities you don't know about. Of course he just could be a mean, bratty, kid, they do exist.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
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Llamalover47 Dec 5, 2021
MaryKathleen: True that on the pressure sores.
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