Follow
Share

My mother lives an hour and a half from me. She is 87 years old and on a walker because she broke her hip about a year ago. She lives alone in her house with my brother staying at the house three to four days a week. However he is lazy and just makes work (dirty dishes and pans), mess on counters and table. He has personality disorder also. Only helps Mom in an emergency (take to emergency room or doctor). She slipped in the kitchen and fell a week ago. Her ribs are fractured and her shoulder hurts a lot (she gets MRI for shoulder on Monday) She refuses Meals on Wheels. Insists on cooking brother his dinner when he stays over and cleans up cause my brother won't. She has lady come in once a week to clean and do laundry. She says she can't afford any one to cook even four or five days a week. Her maid doesn't cook. She can afford to spend some money right now, but is deathly afraid of not having enough money until she dies and also has to leave a much money as possible for my brother. He can't work. Mental Illness and is on SSI. Subsidized apartment. No one can get through to her. She is rigid. I feel sort of guilty. But I can't do everything for her. I also don't have much extra money to pay for the help she needs. I've been going crazy from her for a bunch of years now. And I just don't know what to do.

Barbara

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
When you say "no one can get through to her" I suppose this means you have made suggestions, offered help, and worried endlessly - all to no purpose, yes? Would it be fair to guess that your mother keeps giving you the brush off? Tells you to stop fussing?

If so, that's where you also stop feeling guilty. You've offered. You've been turned down. On that score, you'll just have to take her 'no' for an answer.

When things become more critical, ask her what she would like you to do. It will be up to her to say what solutions she proposes for whatever problems come up; and if you are still willing and able to help, then of course you can go right ahead and do so.

I'm afraid I have no magic tricks to help you not worry about her meanwhile; but you might find it some comfort to remember that you are not responsible for your mother's choices, and after all we are talking about choices that she, a consenting adult, has actively made. You should also be comforted that she is not alone and isolated. Other people see her regularly, even if they're not exactly helping, so you would hear about it promptly if there were ever an emergency.

Where does your brother stay the rest of the time, when he's not creating work for your mother? I'm just wondering if there are any social services or similar agencies involved with him, so that maybe (when the time comes) you could 'piggy-back' your mother's care needs onto them - or at least perhaps find out some useful contacts.

There are all kinds of arguments you could put to your mother to try to persuade her to get her life, and provision for your brother, in better order; but I'm assuming you've already tried most of them. Wait and see; and make sure your mother knows that if she needs help, she just has to say. There isn't any more you can do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'd say at least get her a Lifeline if she decides to go back home and will be alone for significant periods. It sounds like she is mentally/cognitively in pretty good shape, hope that's the case. Sorry about your brother's mental illness! Possibly, he should have a special needs trust set up for him. It sounds like an estate planning meeting with Mom (estate planner or eldercare attorney) once you have a general idea of what the finances are could be a real help. Does Mom have financial and healthcare POAs lined up?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your brother should be moved as well,, he can go to a group home on SSI.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First, look at all her bank accounts. Sometimes there is more money than they think, because they scatter-hoard money by opening several small accounts in various places. We thought mom would need Medicaid. BUT she had $1600 a month in SS, and we got VA assistance for the surviving spouse of a war veteran up to $1113/mo. That left us enough to pay a$6K advance at an ALF and lock in the rent rate forever. PLUS she really enjoys the company there.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.