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My mother has dementia and is mean as a snake. I am very firm with her and never raise my voice. She tells everyone that I am mean to her. I get tired of having to come home from working 9 to 10 hr days, dealing with the fallout of what she had done that day. I take care of everything. I cook what she wants, bake what she wants, take her with me wherever I go, buy her what she wants. I'm bending over backwards for her and my brother tells me I need to be nicer.
I watch my grandson on the weekends as my daughter is a nurse and works in acute care. My mother tells my 7 yrs old grandson that he can't watch her TV and turns it off when my back is turned. She tell him that is my couch and chair you can't sit on it. Go home, this is my home. Which it isn't. I purchased the house so that my mother would not have to go into a home. I tell her that what she is saying mean, but her response is always that she didn't do anything wrong.
I purchased a small tv and xbox. I hooked up the system outside in the gazebo so that he can play in peace or watch tv. My mother goes out to the gazebo and starts again that he is laughing to loud and to stop jumping around while playing the game.
She is never happy and I don't know what else to do. Everybody stopped visiting because of her behavior. My daughter is nice to her grandmother, but my mother is nasty to her. My daughter tries to visit longer, but when she has a terrible day at work (someone dies) she can't deal with her grandmother's bad attitude and leaves shortly after picking up my grandson.

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My mother has a full time caregiver while I am at work. As the saying goes No work, No food. I've thought about homes, but the expense and conditions are unacceptable. I've told my children to put me into the Veterans home if or when I get like my mother with dementia.
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Roberta, does your mother stay alone while you are at work? I wondered about this, because it would mean that she is in an earlier stage of dementia. I also wondered if the house used to be hers and you bought it for some reason. If that is the case, then she probably does feel like it is her house.

You sound like you're doing all you can for your mother, but she doesn't appreciate it. Has she always been mean and self centered, or has this come about as a result of the dementia?

About your grandson -- her behavior seems to say that he is getting on her nerves with noise and movements. There is something causing her to be agitated if that is so. Maybe her doctor can prescribe some chill pills to take the edge off her personality. I don't like drugs, but if it makes life more bearable for people, I know they can be useful.

I appreciate your helping your daughter on the weekend by keeping the grandson. I know that is a big help to her. I just wish that great grandma could be a bit nicer with him. Do you think it would help to point out to her how negative she is being? Or do you think she would blame everyone around her for doing things that irritate her? If she continues to make life difficult for you, it may be good to look for an assisted living community for her. I hope that it does not come to that, because it doesn't sound like what you want for her.

If her misbehavior set in after the dementia, talk to her doctor. There may be something that will help her with the irritability. If your mother is like mine, sometimes she is irritable and sometimes she isn't. You might find some patterns that will help you to work with it. I wish I had answers for you. I have the feeling you're doing things right, but you're just working with a mean mama. (It may help to let grandson know that it isn't him, it's her illness.)
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The first thing you did wrong was purchase a house so that your mother could live with you. Of course, there was no way to know that it was wrong at the time. Sometimes that can work out really well. But in hindsight, it was wrong.

The current things you are doing wrong include listening to your brother's opinions. Plan a vacation and let him come in and take care of her. Ask him to invite her to his home for extended weekends, or if he lives too far away for that, how about her visiting him for a month?

Also, it is wrong to assume you can single-handedly deal with a mean person with dementia, let alone work full time, and have responsibility for grandchildren sometimes. No offense intended to you. I am sure you are a capable, competent person and that you love your whole family. But the reality is, what you are trying to do can't be done without serious consequences --probably for you and for your grandson.

Trying to do it alone is wrong. Seek and accept some help. Sophe509's suggestion of day care is worth considering. Or in-home help. And do consider the possibility of a care center, if not for right now, for a time when this gets even worse.

It is not wrong to try to please your mother, but it is very wrong to never do things that please you. No reason you can't have your favorite meals several times a week. Mom can eat leftovers of what you made to please her yesterday.

Keep trying the same thing over and over when it doesn't work is wrong, too, don't you think? Taking her everywhere you go and buying her whatever she wants doesn't really seem to be solving anything, does it? How about going out on your own once in a while. I'll bet you'll enjoy the respite! And maybe bring her home some little treat once in a while that she didn't even ask for, as a surprise.

So, yeah, I think you are doing some things wrong. But you are doing one huge thing right -- recognizing that things aren't working well and looking for ways to change them!

But the primary thing wrong here is Mother has Dementia. This is Not Your Fault. This is Not Under Your Control. You are doing your best and you can rightly feel proud of that! As you try some changes, please let us know how things work out for you and your family.
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If your Mother is mean to you, leave the room if you can. Minimize your efforts on her behalf and look after yourself and the child first. Look for some Adult Day Care so the fallout at home is less when you get there. The boy deserves some safe spaces which the demented adult cannot access. Like a treehouse or similar... You might want to start touring assisted living and dementia units in the neighborhood because chances are you are going to need one.
How long can she remember something? A few minutes or a couple hours or ? No point correcting someone with a 3-minute memory. Seems to me the only thing you are doing wrong is trying too hard to please the witch.
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You are doing the best you can. You obviously care, or you wouldn't be on this forum. Try to find a little time for your secret self, for goodness. I don't know why some if us have to deal with the abusers. I just pray it makes me kinder to my children, so that some good comes of it.
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Drugs for her, or for me... 😉
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You're probably not doing anything wrong, but you have one of the Mommies from hell that are impossible to deal with. For me it's Dad. He has dementia and won't allow Mom or I to do anything to fix up their miserable dirty house. I just want to choke him sometimes. There have been a couple times I stood my ground on some smaller issues and he backed off but not without lots of b*tching and griping. By the next day he doesn't even remember what a s....t he was.

There's no easy answer to this. You could try getting tough, shame her for being horrible to her grandchild and standing up to her. And there's always drugs......
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When they have dementia and are MEAN, they have no filter and being outright nasty is an ART FORM. In time, they alienate most relatives, former friends and neighbors. My father has been in care now for 6 months and the relatives are just now coming out of the shadows telling me horrible things he said and did.

Some will say that you can't or should not argue or try to reason with someone with dementia. I think it is a case by case basis. One month the screaming, accusations and nastiness reached a breaking point. I turned off his TV and sat him down at the end of his kitchen table and I sat down at the other end. I told him that he no longer could scream at my husband and sons. He said he did not know what I was talking about. I asked him if that really was the truth. He said OK and went back to his TV. Conversation over, caregiver dismissed. BUT, it worked for awhile. I know you will get differing opinions from others, but one very stern, frank, "draw the line in the sand" conversation will not hurt your mother. You owe it to yourself and your dear grandson! Hang tough!
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