What about Assisted Living?

My mom and dad moved near me into an independent living facility when my mom was 81 and my dad was 84. They loved it! Mom didn't have to cook and they got to socialize with others. They were in good enough shape to adjust well to the move.

My dad passed away after nine years and my mom still lives there, 13 years later. I help her quite a bit and have people come in to give her her meds. She has a pendant that she wears in case of a fall. We both have peace of mind that she's in the best place possible for her. It also forced them to downsize and get rid of 35 years of "stuff" that will make it easier for me when the time comes. If you have children, please consider the impact on them.

I'd say at least investigate it and consider it while it's not an emergency situation. For many folks, it's a great move.

Bunny, what is it about moving to assisted living that is off-putting, scary,whatever you may be feeling? Can you look at it as a new phase, a new adventure together? Right now, you and your husband are in control of where you go and when. If your health,or his takes a sudden turn, you may find the options are much more limited. It sounds like your doctor thinks that it's time to start looking. Have some lunches at the nearby al's and you will start to become more familiar with what each one offers and what your own preferences are. For the record, in the al my mother was in, pets were allowed. You could have a car. It's not jail. The food was delicious and there were nice activities and trips for those who wanted to do them. Think about it.

Or even better get each of you a alert pendent to wear around your neck, if you fall it will auto-alert help for you.

Bunny, I'm recently retired from marketing an assisted living for 10 years. The biggest problem I had was people start looking when they needed it yesterday. Many assisteds are full and have a waiting list. Take tours and check out places now. Go for lunch and try the food. Ask to attend some activities. The friends you will make will be wonderful. Most people aren't tickled to death to move. Look at it as a new phase in your life. What an adventure. If your doctor is suggesting it, make plans while you still can and make your OWN discision to move where you want. You can do this.

My mom is in an independent living, but they have home health care and "certified" companions on staff. If she needs someone to walk the dog, hang her pictures, just come to administer meds, then all she has to do is call someone. She has her car, but doesn't need it, because they provide transportation to most everywhere she needs to go. They provide the med alert to all residents. She loves the food and interaction with others. Think about where will be the best place for you or your spouse when the first one goes. If you are already in this kind of place, the surviving spouse will have their routine and tons of support. Start looking for the "right" place so you don't get into an emergency situation and make some poor decisions later.

"What if" is a valid question to ask and a perfectly reasonable way to plan ahead.

Nobody can know with 100% certainty what's in their future, so planning for a reasonable level of "what if" is smart and reduces the risk of something really sad and catastrophic from happening. What if my kitchen catches fire? I have a fire extinguisher and fire insurance. Is it 100% certain to happen? I hope not, but until it does happen, it's just a "what if". A what if that is planned for.

These places do get to charge what they want. They are for-profit businesses just like hotels and other apartment landlords, unless they are a non-profit (e.g. the Masonic homes). Non-profits may offer less expensive rates, but you have to shop around and compare what you get for the money.

The doctor talking to you about fall risk is not fear-mongering. Falls are a huge risk to the elderly and can cause other really big and expensive problems. I can attest to that with my own mom. She fell quite often in her home, and had a bad one in April, and is now in a care center for the rest of her days. She never returned home after that, and never will.

My advice as the adult child of mother who REFUSED to plan ahead for her aging is to expect changes, plan for services you don't need to today but might need to use, and downsize your stuff now.

Do not expect family to pick up the slack. People have to work to earn a living and should not be expected to drop their lives and income. Those days are gone and it's really smart to plan to be in a place that can provide the extra help when you need it.

Also consider that by the time you need help, you may not be able to do any searching or comparing, and you'll have to take whatever's open at the moment. Wouldn't it be better to be in a place that has add-ons right there, so you don't have to move again when needs change?

You have the luxury of choice now, but it won't last forever. Get on the stick and look ahead, assume that you are both going to need MORE care down the road, not LESS.

All AL facilities are incredibly expensive: they may advertise $3500/month, however that does NOT include everything! medication assistance if you do your own at one place we visited was $2400/year (they have to keep your medications in their locked box in your unit, for insurance reasons), another place had a tiered system and for 9 medications was about $15,000 year.
Good luck comparing apples to apples-- they all have a different way of charging for their various menus: one place will do eyedrops as a separate charge, another place only as one of 3 other meds, etc. All of these places have liability insurance---if you have ANY medication assistance, or they see you a little out of breath on the way to dinner, they will record these and their RN will then upgrade your level of "service"....to be billed to you.
DO NOT sign any contract with an AL without having your attorney review it: and keep in mind COSTS WILL INCREASE. It is not like your 30 yr mortgage with a fixed cost--most palces say to expect 5% increase per year, and that is just for the rent portion; the medical portion could all depend on who services your AL.
Meals---some AL include only 10 meals per month and cloak it with suggesitions that if you are on vacation for a couple weeks, you're not losing money....but the reality is, if you want 3 meals a day, it might be another 8+8+12 dollars /day, for each of you.
My point is, YES these AL are beautiful....so is Pandora's box....they want you to move in, and they will do their darndest to keep you living so they can suck all your money out of you.....they are for profit and must charge a premium price, or seemingly small prices for many items.
If you do find a non-profit AL, and get a nice 1BR with a view....keep in mind, when you run out of money, they will MOVE YOU to a dormitory-style room (2, 3 4 or more residents) overlooking the delivery bay, because when you're on Medicaid they need to free up your nice room with a view for someone else who is paying the full price.
I am not making this up, I have personal experience which has taught me all of this is true. My spouse & I have purchased LTC policies but even then, we have a "healthy fear" of getting into a situation where the facility is more interested in building a beautiful building than delivering personalized care.
As my sibling said upon visting one of these luxurious hotel-like AL's, "I ought to invest in one of these places"..... because they are cash cows.

Get your self a home care giver to come in each day, they will often do a morning and afternoon shift. Right now my wife and I have home care giver come in 3-4 days a week in the afternoons and it is working out very well for us.

OF COURSE you want to stay in your home, Bunny — we all wish we could "age in place", but you can already see some reasons why that probably not possible. In my view, the most important reason to move the next HOME (and it will be!) BEFORE you HAVE TO is that you can do it TOGETHER. You can help each other thru the move and adjustment -- which will be quicker than you think! -- you will make friends TOGETHER and build memories together in THAT home. My husband is quite a bit older than I, and the timing for the move was his sudden wish, but we made the decision to move into a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) two years ago -- I was only 64 and perfectly healthy! (Although, like all of us, only an accident or one serious illness away from not being independent!) I am SO GLAD we did this! For him, no more house maintenance, property taxes, tree trimming, replacing the ice maker, etc. And I wanted to make this transition WITH him. RocknRobin is SO right...for some months my CCRC wasn't even accepting people to wait list because the existing list was so long. It can easily take a year or more and a LOT can happen in a year...none of it good. PLEASE go shop around and get on one or more "ready now" waiting lists NOW. The longer you wait the more difficult the actual move will be and the fewer options (if any) you will have. I would strongly suggest that you look for a place that has both assisted living and memory care units so that all the planning it is possible to do to meet any future needs is done while it is YOUR decision. This is a GIFT you can give your husband and he can give you. Angels watch over you!
P.S. We took an apartment in order to get higher on the waiting list for a cottage but when the cottage became available we decided to wait another 18 months for a brand new apartment now under construction. I'm fully on board with that but one of the reasons was both of us, but especially my husband, felt if left alone we would rather be in an apartment where we'd be closer to others, running into people in the halls and elevator. We're in independent living but we have made friends -- and kept them -- that have moved on to assisted living on this same campus. We can have dinner with them and share activities. If either of us eventually need AL, memory care or skilled nursing, it's all right here and the staff and fellow residents won't be strangers at a time that is likely to be challenging for both the spouse that is ill and the one who is not (or not AS ill). The food here is wonderful and they even change the lightbulbs for us!

The assisted living by my Mothers house is such a lovely place. When you walk in it feels like a 4 star hotel. I think assisted livings are wonderful places if you take advantage of what they have to offer. Meals are made in a restaurant style atmosphere or you can have meals in your room. They have numerous activities and transportation. You do not have to worry about maintaining property or house repairs because the assisted living takes care of all of that for you. Do not close your mind right away. I would take a tour of a couple-they even offer free 2 night stays so you can see if it is a good fit for you and your spouse. My Mothers memory got too bad for her to be in an assisted living but I wish we had moved her before.