My mother never got her affairs in order (I have posted here before I appreciate all the help).
My sister changed the will with my mother's permission, IDK how and I honestly don't care. It's my father, he won't let me take over his bank accounts, between him and my mother they have over 10 or more accounts. He won't let me help he says I'm secretive. He goes to the banks, and they call me because he is confused. He is so stubborn all I can think is let him do whatever he wants and if the lights get shut off so be it. Tired of being treated this way. He is incontinent and visited my dying mother smelling pee.
You are not their POA, so it is not your mess. Let the chips fall where they may and then let your sister pick up the pieces.
You have said in previous posts that your parents did not want you as POA, Sister was appointed. That Mom got upset having you around. Replies have been, I am sure, that you need to walk away. So my question is, why do you keep banging your head against the wall. Your parents have said, they don't want you involved. I know it hurts. But I would be so hurt, I would just walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Is sister Dads POA, then let her do her job. She can get to Dads bank accts.
If Sister is not POA, too late for Dad to assign you if he has Dementia. Just call APS and report Dad as a vulnerable adult. Tell them you have no POA so have no way to help him or get to his accts to pay bills. If you can afford it, try for guardianship. Its expensive, but if u win u may be able to get reimbursed from Dads money. Guardianship overrides POA.
If no then theoretically no one should be answering financial or medical questions for your parents. In the case of the bank calling you if you are not POA and you are not FULLY aware of ALL his financial doings how can you honestly answer a question. Particularly if they have 10 (possibly more) accounts.
By stepping in and "helping" him your dad is under the impression that he can handle his own affairs.
If you do not think he can manage on his own then report him to Elder Abuse hotline. Self neglect is reportable.
If no one is POA you (or sister) may have to consider getting Guardianship.
He should have a full exam to determine his health and hopefully the doctor will also do a "mini mental exam" (think Medicare calls for that during an Annual Wellness check up). The doctor may then refer him to a neurologist. (but you can contact the doctors office and express concerns and they may just refer him.)
Ask the bank if you are listed in the account as a hoint co-signor. If not, how are you vested on the accounts?
since dad is still in the branch, have the teller, ask you dad there and now, “ Mr. Smile, Would you like to add your daughter, Mary, to your accounts as a joint signor? If do, we will need to fill out another signature card to add her.. we can do this now if you wish.”
If he says NO, then that’s your answer.
If he’s “confused” (and paranoid) there will inevitably, sooner or later, be a moment at which he will “hit the wall”, and as you mention, the lights will be turned off or some catastrophic financial event will occur.
If you can be detached and objective (tough and perhaps undoable job) and you WANT TO, stick around to help. If you CAN’T, DON’T.
Oh gosh, that’s a ridiculous amount of accounts. People did this though, back in the day so they could receive a certain promotion. I am old enough to remember people smoking cigarettes in line at the banks before seeing the tellers. When we went along with our parents to the bank, the tellers would hand out suckers to the children.
A lot of things have changed. My children laugh hysterically when my husband and I reminisce about how things used to be. They really giggled when they spoke to my parents.
My daughters have said, “Mom, Dad, how did y’all get through college without owning a laptop?” Then my youngest daughter decided to be really sarcastic and asked if we owned calculators!
I assume that before your dad and sister changed the will and other details that your phone number was listed for your dad. If you are bothered by being called then ask for your phone number to be replaced with your sister’s number.
Is your sister dad’s POA? If so, let her deal with it. I understand that you care about your dad. All you can do is to offer your help. You can’t force your dad or sister to accept your offer to help.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I have a mantra that I'm currently following and it says "Let whatever you do today, be enough."
It sounds like you've done all you can do, and maybe when things begin to unravel for your Dad, you can give him the response, "I'm sorry dad, there's nothing I can do, my hands are tied on this one."
At that point, he may not even understand that - but the important thing is that you will.
The good thing about your post is that it really does seem as though you've been driven to the point of not caring. In reading it, I remembered when I "arrived" at that same feeling with my family/sibs. And it's something one does truly have to "arrive" to. That may be your blessing. Just because your father is older doesn't mean that he still doesn't have things to learn. Maybe he needs to learn by having the lights shut off?
That said, when you know you've done everything you can, and the situation starts to become impossible for you and your peace, it's time to "hand it over".
I don't know what the filial laws are in your state, but if you are planning on walking away, DOCUMENT. Start writing everything down. And if the bank is calling you, which backs up his confusion, know that that is on your side as well, and that it's also recorded.
The whole mess of this thing sounds like your sib is "whispering" in his ear, the distortions of her own perspective because of power/control. This happens alot with aging parents and adult children. The sad thing is, the wholesome part of the situation, which is supposed to be what's best for your father at this point, is getting lost in the power struggle. I've learned this too - there can be ONLY ONE person in charge, and if all of the the moving parts (siblings) are not on the same page, chaos ensues.
The most important and best thing to do in my opinion, is to let go. Be ok with it FIRST, and then just let go and try to enjoy any time you have left with your father.
If your sister (who has her perspective of things too) wants total control, let her have it and let her learn her own lessons from it as well. I guarantee you that when you step away, alot of loose ends that you were trying to hold together, will fray and fall apart.
This too is something I've had to learn on both side of the coin, but the most important thing for me when it all went down, was that my mother is better off with how it's all turning out.
This changes alot between you and your sibling, so be prepared for that too. Know where your relationship is with her now and where it's going to take you in stepping away - and be ok with that too. Remember, your PEACE is your key to your own health and well being.
((HUG))
Mary, are you dad's POA?
Why are the banks calling you if you are not. Give them Sissy's number.
The banks call you? You must still have POA? If sister wants POA, maybe just let her have it? (But with the agreement that you are then done and will not be stepping back in to clean up her and dad's mess.)
It appears that your mother will have passed before your father's possible mismanagement of finances will harm her.
Good luck and take care.
Our parents and grandparents lived through the depression and it changed their mindset on how they felt about banks.
Hahaha, one of our politicians tried the ‘freezer’ trick! Louisiana has had many, let’s say. colorful politicians. Okay, in reality they are corrupt politicians!!! He was caught with frozen food boxes placed in his freezer that were filled with money! Didn’t work, he went to jail.
The way you write seems practical. Makes me think you have a good grip on what is inside your control & what is not. That will really help you.
A wise Social Worker once told me:
advise them
they decide
the consequences are theirs
Maybe try to twist your words a little to avoid suggesting anything resembling any kind of "take over".
Offer Dad a choice - he may feel more in control. He may well stay dug into his stubborness, but at least he will have a way out when HE chooses to change his mind.
Eg Mom & Dad, simplifing your banking to suit YOU better is a SMART move. You could meet with the Bank Manager to arrange. I could help you phone? Or help you make an appointment?
Or a eeny bit of trickery.. I heard the Bank is offering these banking checkups. For FREE! Why don't you take one? (If he likes a bargain!)
If the bank calls you, let them know you have strongly suggested Dad (or Mom/Dad together) make changes. That maybe Dad will trust the Bank Manager - if there are problems could they initiate a meeting with Dad?
Having the power cut off is a dire way to find out you can no longer manage your bills..
PS When you cannot change a situation you can sometimes shift focus to adding safety where you can instead.
Eg Sneak a few torches & batteries into a kitchen drawer in case.