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When I was slammed into being my mom's caregiver 5 years ago when she could no longer do anything for herself, everything was a mess. I moved her into a new apartment where she could get her wheelchair in and out, instead of going down steps.


I'm going to be honest when I say I'm an anxiety-ridden person. However, I do take care of the business that needs to taken care of, but I do admit I let a lot of things slide. I don't keep a perfect house, sometimes I misplace things, however things that are needed, I do them and I do them with perfection. I am here for my mom 24/7. I've been with her to the hospital probably a hundred times. Know her illnesses and medications like the back of my hand. I keep my mom free of bedsores. I keep her crystal clean. I am VERY good. Except for some things....


Like her drivers license. I don't know where the hell it is. I used to carry it in my wallet when I first started taking care of her, but since then I don't know where the I put it, it's somewhere, I just don't know where. But... I did get her a new Senior Identification Card that works perfectly for whatever she needs to show an ID for. I also got her a very cute purse that she can keep her things in that hangs around her chest so that I will no longer have to carry her things. This seemed to make her very happy, that she had some things.


But just now... she said "I need to get a new driver's license. Where did you put my old one?" I told her "Mom, don't you remember, I don't know where it is."... My mom is VERY stubborn and also can get REALLY mean. She'll throw a tantrum for an entire day. I'm almost on the verge of crying right now because she just brought this topic up AGAIN when I thought we resolved it by getting her a new ID. Oh lord, how I wish I could find that ID. I have looked everywhere. I don't know where it is. It's expired anyway, and she can no longer drive because she can't move her legs to stand up to get into a car.


What can I say to get her off of this topic?

I think it's safe to say - Mother Nature has a way of taking care of things.
As it stands right now, during this Covid-19 Stay At Home order, all DMV offices are closed until further notice.
Blessing in disguise? Possibly.
Take care and take a deep breath. Try not to worry.
The missing driver license will show up when least expected.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to stargazerlisa
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Tell her the drivers license has expired and the DMV is closed due to the Corona Virus. It’s closed in New York State. Tell her the DMV is closed in your state.
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Reply to elaine1962
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I agree with Minsu...........leave her presence when she gets mean. You're not perfect? Gee whiz, neither is SHE! She is just bringing up a moot subject to point out that you lost something that she wants.....the woman can't even drive, for petesake! She has a senior ID card, so she's all set. Tell her what JoAnn said. SHE CANNOT HAVE BOTH; it's either/or. Since she can't drive, she now has an ID card INSTEAD of a drivers license. Period. Give her the phone number of the DMV if she has further questions.

If she's so stubborn and right about everything, maybe it's time SHE take care of her OWN papers and her OWN life entirely, leaving you in charge of nothing.

Sometimes a bit of tough love goes a LONG way with women like this. We're not here to be treated like a POS because they're in a bad mood about something. Contrary to their opinion, the sun does not rise and set on their desires. If I sound irritated, I AM. My own mother sees fit to take her rage out on ME because her ALF is asking her to wear a mask when she leaves her room. "As if" it's MY fault the world is facing the coronavirus. It's not. And I'm sick to death of being a punching bag, so I am not listening to her nonsense today. Or any other day she sees fit to treat me badly. I'm worth more. And so are YOU!

Let yourself off of the hook she's put you on. You're a good daughter and you're doing a fine job for her. More than enough, in fact. Go take a hot bath and turn the phone off.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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In the state of NJ, you cannot have an ID and License. Its one or the other. If you did have Moms license, the ID# is probably the same as the ID. They r in NJ.

It was explained to me, that when I got an ID for Mom that it took place of her license and had the same #. If Mom was able to drive again, the ID would then be changed to a license with the same ID#.

What I am saying here is that you may not be able to get a new license. It was cancelled when you changed it to an ID. She no longer needs a license. She is not able to drive. Her ID is all she needs to prove who she is. The license is no longer valid.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Another idea:
Never mention again that it was you who lost the driver's license.

It used to be, that when a person renewed their license (in person), the DMV would have you give them the old license in return for the new license. (or new ID).

So, that MUST HAVE been what happened to the old, expired license when you got her the new ID. Don't you remember?
To the best of your ability? Maybe you forgot?
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Reply to Sendhelp
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I lose things, too. I absolutely *hate* it. Can't let it go. Wake up years later wondering what I did with the wretched whatever. Please accept a shoulder rub of sympathy.

Yup, start the ball rolling for her to get a new one. Should keep her busy for a while.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Sendhelp Apr 15, 2020
CM,
Yes, years later, here too. 🐒
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First, please stop kicking yourself over her driver's license and wherever it went.  None of us are perfect; you're under and have been under tremendous stress.  Her bringing it up at all is getting on your last nerve, as it would anyone.  I definitely get that and that she 'can get really mean.' 

Be creative.  Say something like 'I don't know. They said it's in the mail; should be here any day.. but you don't need it anyway, so no need to worry about it' .. then change the subject.

Changing the subject, her focus often works.  When it doesn't work, get off the phone quickly or if you're with her, you suddenly have to go.  When she wheels back to that subject, just wheel out of it.  Don't get on that 'train' with her. 

And forgive yourself for losing it; it'll turn up when you least expect it.  Even if it never does, it doesn't matter; she's got what she needs thanks to You.  You're doing great! 

Good luck.
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Reply to lilhelp
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If she's throwing a tantrum and being "mean" tell her you refuse to be treated like that and remove yourself from the situation.
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Reply to HelloImMinsu
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thepacifist Apr 15, 2020
thank you
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You can say, "Mom, all of the DMV offices are closed".
And they will be for some time.
Then say, I have made you an appointment.

Hand her a few printed out DMV sample tests to study until then.

Take her through the entire laborious license renewal process, and allow the DMV to deny her a license.

If she needs to go somewhere, be sure she gets a ride.

When she asks for her old driver's license, get her new Id and show it to her.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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thepacifist Apr 15, 2020
Thanks for this, it helps a lot!
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