My parents both with different types of dementia/Alzheimer’s have been living with me and husband the past 3 years. It’s challenging but together we manage and provide the best care for them. Suddenly my mom woke up unable to walk?? Ends up in hospital then therapy care rehab. But because she has no short term memory she keeps getting out of wheelchair and bed and falling. So they moved her to memory care ward. More eyes and aides. Still a fall out of bed at night but overall a much more active environment. After almost 2 weeks between hospital and now MC they call me and say that she’s very anxious and ask me to talk to her. We had just had a very pleasant visit but now she is asking me to please go and pick her up. First time since this all started. I’m so sad now because she seemed fine when I left. Meanwhile my dad has been suffering with her gone. Ugh. Help me get all this registered please.

Is Dad mobile? Can he visit Mom? (Make them short & sweet) Bring her flowers, like a date 😍

Give Mom a hug & say you miss her but The Doctor says it's best to have a few more days there. She'll be just fine -encouraging smile 🙂.

Keep your tears for on your own if you can. This is hard!! But you've got this (((hugs))).
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Beatty

Mom's been in not one, but multiple new surroundings in just a short time, and those changes are always extremely hard on dementia patients. Any time they have new surroundings they tend to get panicky.

It isn't you, and you've done nothing wrong. Try to roll with the daily punches and don't overthink things. Is she going to come home, or is MC where she'll be permanently? She'll settle in there eventually, or if she comes home, know that she may still be kind of scrambled for a while even there. They have a tougher and tougher time bouncing back after each crisis, I'm afraid.

Hang in there -- you're doing a good job.
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Reply to MJ1929

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and responses. I’ve thought about both of them being there together; it is definitely something I will inquire about. Mom is still unable to walk and it seems that MC may be permanent. So hanging them there together might be in the near future if deemed possible!
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Reply to Tchrlange

I don’t have words of wisdom on this but I’ll pray for you and ask God to give you the wisdom and strength you need! God Bless you and family!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Cedricm

Try to see this from your parents' perspective. Things have changes dramatically and their usual environment and routines have been upset. They both want a return of their usual routine and environment. Those routines create a feeling of safety in a world they do not always understand. With all the changes, they feel anxious. The anxiety leads to agitation and sometimes to acting out.

Things to consider:

If your mom remains unable to walk, do you want to care for her at home?

If so, talk first to her physical therapists and then her doctor(s) about assistive devices she will need to help move her from bed to wheelchair to toilet... You can also request some sessions with physical therapy to learn how to safely move your mom and use all assistive devices. Insurance should cover most of these costs.

What living care arrangements do you want for your mom and dad if mom can not live in your home?

Most patients with dementia progress to a point that it is extremely difficult to care for them at home. Either they become immobile and family can't handle the work, or they get days and nights mixed up and upset everybody's sleep routines, or they become easily agitated and may hurt others.... The usual is that the person requires more care than the caregiver can give, In these cases it may be best to move the person with dementia into a memory care unit. I know of facilities that allow husbands and wives to share the same rooms - which may be of great comfort to both your parents. Sometimes, the person(s) with dementia experience a lot of anxiety as they adjust to a new environment and new routines. In these cases a mild anti-anxiety medication may help ease the transition.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Taarna
Lostinva Jul 12, 2021
Would the home be able to accompany both of them & put in same room? They’d be together & less anxiety on everyone. There’s always that adjustment period but my mother now calls her room her apt. Fill their room with memories, things they enjoy & lots of pictures!!!
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Elders also go thru something called “hospital delirium” which is acute anxiety, a worsening of their cognitive functions, inability to sleep, no desire to eat, when they have big changes like hospital stays or are moved to an institutional setting. The constant lights, sounds, interruptions to routine and all that was familiar, really does a number on their already broken brains. Some recover abs some do not. Some seen permanent and marked decline.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to DILKimba
FarFarAway Jul 14, 2021
yes! that is what I thought when I read she suddenly couldn't walk. Exact same thing happened to my dad and the hospital stated he would never walk again. My mum ignored them and brought him home, now we wish he would sit down for 5 minutes. No miracle happened, it was delerium.
Life is not a journey, but an ordeal. Medical science keeps people alive longer and longer so Alzheimer's disease has its chance to culminate to its fullest with no cure in sight. Life itself is a terminal illness with only one outcome--death. It is the price of being born, and there will be a time we all must die. The price of love is grief. Go to an eldercare attorney and do estate planning, DPOA (if not already done), prepaid funeral/cremation arrangements, and share bank accounts so you can pay their bills with their money, while you can, and will.
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Reply to cetude

If the prognosis is that mom needs to stay in MC (sounds that way), why not move dad in with her? It might help her to "settle in" if her husband is there too, and it will help his missing her.

Generally (but of course you'd have to check with the facility) it doesn't cost twice as much if a couple is in MC together - certainly more than one, but not double.

If you try this and they seem to be okay there, then make the move permanent? You can still visit, maybe take them out on occasion (perhaps wait until they seem more settled), and they might do better if together.

Where my mother was, a man was moved in and his wife, who'd been in AL elsewhere for physical disabilities, moved in with him. It didn't appear that she had dementia, but it kept them together now that he needed oversight.
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Reply to disgustedtoo

It’s so easy to get caught up in the world of caregiving with its crisis management, unexpected and unpleasant behavior, logistics and on and on. But beneath that there’s also grief, the depth of which depends on your relationship with your person. This is a part of caregiving but often the last aspect ever considered or addressed.

People in MC are going to have a huge range of emotions and things won’t make sense. Perhaps it’s time to look for a facility where your dad can be closer to your mom. Look at the Medicare website where they rate facilities. There might be a better one around and where your dad can be close to her.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to katepaints

Since dad also has dementia what is the possibility that he could move in with her?
I am sure they miss each other.
It would give mom a person she is familiar with and she knows is safe.
Your dad would feel better with her.
I bet there would be fewer calls from mom with dad there.

By the way I think my Husband had Vascular dementia with Alzheimer's and there were times when overnight he would not be able to do something he was able to do the day before. Walking was one of them.
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Reply to Grandma1954

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