I am 60 years old, and have been caring for my, soon to be 90 mother, for the last 10 years. She lives with me. She was diagnosed with dementia and cognitive decline, several years ago. I'm not a "Negative Nelly" but I try to be honest and realistic about situations and life, in general. One thing I've noticed, however, that is exceptionally hurtful to me, is w when some well-meaning individual hears of my current situation and feels the need to comment on how fortunate I am, to still have my mother. I feel angry inside, immediately. Not only are they clueless about my individual living situation, but they are also ignorant about just how long TEN YEARS can feel at times. I'm not even sure how to answer their comments. Maybe I should just agree? I already know I am blessed to still have her presence in my life... the hard part is that it's not even really "my mom" anymore. :0( She's often silent. Doesn't engage much, except to silently do crossword puzzles at the kitchen table, while I clean, cook, etc. I've been saying "goodbye" to the person my mom used to be... for years now. But I feel sad, broken and angry, when folks feel the need to state something so stupidly obvious like, " you're lucky to still have your Mom with you. " Have any of you been in this same boat? How do you normally respond? Not trying to be ugly, am just hurting and feeling quite misunderstood by friends, and distant family...
Unlucky is living to 95 or 100 with advanced dementia suffering daily.
Extremely unlucky is the daughter who chose to care for that parent in home and witness the decline, deal with the histrionics daily, clean up the messes and struggle to have a life at the same time.
People are ignorant who make comments about how "lucky" we senior citizens are to still have seriously demented parents alive. They should be in our shoes for a week or two, eh?
Thank you for your response. 💕👍🙂
Thank you. 🙂👍
One short note about the money - I'm glad they had it. The problem was that I had to manage their business, their legal issues and the money on top of caregiving chores at a time when I had serious family issues of my own to take care of. It was way too much because it alone was a full-time job that was way beyond just keeping a checkbook and paying the water bill, which I also did. On autopay, which was something they'd never heard of.
I never found a good response to those idjits who told me I was lucky that they were still alive. Or to the others who would say that God never gives us more than we can handle. Seriously? When an omnipotent God could take away the problem by calling them home to him? Unless he didn't like them due to my dad's being a nonbeliever? Or something equally ridiculous?
At this point I think I'd respond with "Mom's the lucky one because she has someone to take care of her - me." And maybe drop it at that.
It appears you are speaking from a wealth of experience, yourself. I'm so sorry for all you went through with both of your folks. Thank you for your response. Great respect and love to you for having traveled this road already. Hugs to you, right now.
Sincerely. 💕👍
My mom is still alive. She's 97 1/2. She has dementia and congestive heart failure and probably other things. She lives in an assisted-living memory care facility. She's no longer the person she once was.
Now I think that we were fortunate that my dad died when he did and how he did. I don't feel "lucky" that my mom is alive. But I don't say this to other people. If the topic comes up, I explain how she's doing. They can decide for themselves whether mom's current existence is good.
No I don't feel lucky. My father's existence is nothing but a burden. I am very resentful that a. he's still alive because he's already been gone a long time as far as I am concerned and b. that his very existence is making my life miserable because I have to deal with his Medicaid crap because he and my mother never put their damn affairs in order and I'm left dealing with their mess. It's been three years and counting dealing with their garbage.
Of course if someone says something to me about how lucky I am, I just smile and think to myself if you only knew how I really feel. You'd be appalled if you did.
We love our parents and provide the best care we possibly can. Dementia and Alzheimer's makes it extremely difficult. Agingcare.com is definitely a blessing for all caregivers to come together for support. You are not alone.
Thank you for your response. :0)
I was always terrified my mom would die first and leave my sister and I to care for my father. Thankfully, that did not happen. Unfortunately, my sister passed away unexpectedly, during the pandemic, so she and my father are both gone. I am all that my mom has left, and it's truly frightening and exhausting. My heart goes out to you. Much respect to you as well.
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When anyone suggests that you are lucky to still have your mother, you can reply, "Lucky does not describe it."
Seriously, you can go into a whole lengthy explanation of what it's really like, if anyone cares to listen. But, really, people don't understand if they haven't been there themselves.
Try not to let careless remarks get to you. You don't need more stress.
The statement that gets me riled up is, "Why don't you just..... ?" followed with some suggestion that they clearly don't think I have considered already, or don't understand how difficult it is to do something that seems so "simple".
It's usually, "Why don't you just put him in a home and get on with your life?"
or .."you can still find another man" Really?! Do I need another man?! HA!
"Why don't you get a real job?" or "Can't you hire help?" "Doesn't your family help?" hahaha!
It's hard to find help. The help wants to sit and scroll through their phone, paying no attention to his needs, or they meet with him and say "no" because he's difficult and it's a lot of work, or they might be hard working and qualified, but don't want to drive this far (20 min). Young people don't want to work or do anything hard. So, I'm killing myself doing it all alone, because I love this man more than anything!