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I think this happened slowly at first, my marriage broke up, it escalated, now I sit upstairs, he has the sitting room, well really the whole house, I'm very angry, I don't really want this anymore but how to change it now? He is old, 88 and nowhere to go but a home, god, x

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"Guests" and fish ....well you know the rest.
Time to have a sit down talk with dad.
Senior housing is an option
Independent Living or Assisted Living facility is an option.
This is YOUR house YOUR rules (I am sure he said that to you more than once growing up) so come up with rules that he has to follow until he moves out.
If he is not paying rent he should be. divide all (electric, insurance, mortgage, water, sewer, garbage....)household expenses by the number of people and he should be paying at least that. Is he paying or food? Include that You get the idea.
Begin to retake your house.
Move his stuff put your stuff back where it belongs.
14 years is 13 years 11 months to long.
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You know the answer, you let this happen. No boundries were set from the beginning. Now at 88, you are going to have a hard time getting your house back. You said it happened slowly, then you may have to approach it that way. Slowly work to getting it back. If he complains about something ur doing, remind him "Dad, I think u have forgotten this is my house".

Why at 74 did he need to move in with u? I hope the break up of ur marriage had nothing to do with him living with u.
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And what's wrong with 'a home', exactly? Since he's ruined YOUR home, it sounds to me like it's time for him to go to a different home. Being old is no excuse for breaking up a marriage *if that's what happened* or for taking over your whole house or having you in a position to feel as if you're a guest in your own home. That's not acceptable. The question is, why have you allowed all of this to happen???

Take your life and your home back! Look into long term care or Assisted Living for your dad (as soon as the virus situation clears up) and that's that. My mother has been living in Assisted Living since 2014 because there is no way on Earth she'd be invited to live with me. Not gonna happen. Toxic personalities are not welcome in my home, I don't care WHO they are! Assisted Living is a good deal........they get 3 meals a day, lots of entertainment, social interaction with people their own age........the list is endless. If you are one of the people that attaches a stigma to the word 'home', let that notion go now, and research alternate living arrangements for your father.

Good luck!
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This will require a serious sit down discussion.  I am curious why he moved in with you at the age of 74?  Was he so devastated by the loss of your mom, so you offered?  You are going to have to tell him that obviously both of you have forgotten that this is your house and you want to re-establish ownership.  Sitting in your room while he is in the living room is an obvious parent / child set up...  That needs to be reversed.  Setting up his bedroom like a private suite with a wall mounted TV and maybe a small fridge for drinks might entice him to use his room.
Do you not feel comfortable sitting in the living room with him?  I truly get that may feel awkward...it's not like he is your husband.  Back in the day, multi-generational family living conditions were common...today, not so much.
I hope these living conditions did not contribute to the demise of your marriage. The dynamics between the parent and adult child are not easy to navigate.

Be strong and try not to be too emotional when having the conversation with dad.  Good Luck!
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'Multi-generational family living conditions' used to be common but a whole lot shorter! Not too many men lived to 88.
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Time to speak up for yourself. Sounds like you have let him take over, slowly and gradually.
You may need to get a third person as a moderator to help resolve this. He is probably content with this situation, so it’s up to you to make the change. Don’t suffer in silent rage. That will eat you up. Depending on his resources and his abilities and needs, he can be moved to independent or assisted living. His doctor might be a good source to start this conversation. It’s ok to tell your dad that you no longer like the current situation. Your life matters too. Best of luck.
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Sounds like a good time for a V8! Add some vodka and look around for a special place to move Pops. Things will not get any better over time and sounds like he may out live you now that he's in control of things namely, YOUR LIFE.

Get in gear now to change things or they will stay the same. Bless you!
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Oh sweetie, god bless you for everything you have done and then some. I know it’s hard because they are our parents but you still have your life to live. You have given 14 plus years of your life it’s okay to feel angry and resentful. He is being selfish and I am sure he is scared too sweetie. But you have to come first and put up some boundaries for your own emotional health. All of this stress can really affect you physically too. I don’t know your whole story but I take it there’s no one else to help out? Your next option may be him going to a home. I am sure others have mentioned al and his financial situation. Maybe talking with him when you are in a good place and expressing how you are feeling and asking where can we go from here. You love him but you will be there for him but you need to have your life before it’s too late. I will be thinking of you and please keep reaching out. The people on this forum have gotten me through so much and are still getting me through it.
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I agree with everyone else on this one! As a first step, take away the big TV that's probably in the living room where he sits all day. You can have it re-mounted in your room if you'd like, or the kitchen, or wherever else you would like it. Move the furniture around in your living room to suit whatever configuration you would like. If you'd really like to give him a bigger hint, start measuring rooms with a measuring tape; when he asks what's going on, you can say you've been planning on renovations and CHANGES for YOUR house. Let that sink in. You could then tell him you've been thinking about money issues that you have, and that you're thinking of taking in renters for extra money (after Pandemic measures have been lifted of course). He should start getting some hints about financial issues, and if he's used to having the whole place to himself, he sure won't like that!! If that doesn't have an impact, you should just invite a bunch of people over (after the pandemic of course), and enjoy your own living room and kitchen. If that doesn't work, you can leave out some senior living pamphlets in the kitchen and on the coffee table.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
This answer reminded me of what be a wonderful opportunity! After the COVID-19 stuff is over, tell him you'd like to "celebrate normality" again, and then invite people (especially those who love to talk and laugh a lot) and have parties. Maybe he'll decide your house has become too loud and boisterous for him, and he'll want to leave. Of course you're the one who knows him, so you'll know whether this might work or if he would just join the party and decide he likes living there that much more. However, if he complains, you could emphasize that "this is MY house, and I want to be able to enjoy it with my friends!".
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My mom and I had a similar issue. She sold her home in Illinois without a plan of where she was going to live afterwards. She thought she would have months with her house on the market. It sold in 3 days and she had to move in 30 days. I went up from Florida to help with her estates sale and packing her stuff. She ended up moving in with my husband and I. She said it would be only "temporary" until she found a place, maybe a couple of months (I was thinking 1-2 months).

In 4 months, she expanded form the bedroom, sitting room and bathroom we let her use to the entire patio and starting to encroach on our living room. Unfortunately, my mom has a problem with her sense of smell. She smells bad and she kept brining stuff from storage into the house and the boxes reeked of mold (she actually insisted on using donated boxes that smelled moldy). So in addition to the encroachment, I had to take allergy medications because of the mold. We had arguments, oh my. I would lay down the law and she would just not abide. So, I ended up with ants in her room from eating cookies in bed. Her stuff smelled like mildew and she smelled of funky old person. My mom only paid a pittance as "rent" which never covered her share of the utilities.

After 4 months, she left to visit my sister in Chicago for a couple of weeks. I talked with my husband and we came up with long-term "guest" rules and short-term "guest" rules. My mom came home, saw the rules, and was ready to find her own place.

If took a month and a half of helping her home hunt. Yes, I had to take her to every place, help her evaluate good and bad, and eventually she decided on a condo in a huge retiree area. We helped pack her belongings and get moved in. We painted her entire place before moving anything in. We removed a couple of tons of pavers that the county said had to go.

Before COVID-19, I visited my mom weekly and she would come my way weekly. My hubby and I make sure her place is in good working order. I make sure she is keeping the place clean and has healthy foods in her frig. Does she and her place smell, yes. But, we don't have to live with it and I am off the allergy meds. We are both happier.

WIth COVID-19 in place, we visit over the phone several times a week. I encourage my mom to "stay-in-place" but she has her own ideas about social distancing. I figure that if she gets sick won't be from a lack of knowledge or understanding, but from stubbornness. And yes, she is mentally competent and able to care for herself at 77 years old.
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jackiemaher, your dismay and frustration is completely understandable — I'd feel the same way if it were me. Can you please provide a little more info? It would help those of us on the forum to give you better, more specific support.

- are you the durable PoA for you dad?
- has your dad ever been diagnosed by a doctor with any sort of cognitive decline, memory loss or dementia?
- what specifically does he do that you find the most bothersome?
- How old are you and do you have any chronic health issues you are dealing with?
- What is your dad's financial situation: does he have savings/investments? Is he just living on SS alone?
- if he moves out, will that have a financial impact on you that cannot be overcome?

What is the solution that you think would give you peace: Him moving into AL? Redefining and reenforcing boundaries so he can continue to live with you? Hiring outside help for him as a companion and helper? You DO have options. The question is whether you are willing to do what it will take to execute them. Please come back to provide more info -- thanks!
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