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I have only been doing this for a short time (3. Years but since October full time), and the stress and anxiety I feel with every hospitalization makes me crazy. I guess that is why they started hospice. I just feel like the hospital and NH steels so much time because I am not able to stay more than two- three hours because the chairs are so uncomfortable and I am thinking about what has to get done at home. Whenever she is in one of those settings I am always alone, because my hubby was so traumatized by his father's 2 year fight with cancer that he can't deal with hospitals. He has visited my mom on a couple of occasions, one totally unbeknownst to me until she told me, but when his mom was choosing to be taken off life support, he did not stay until she passed. So when that time comes, I know I will be there alone if she is in a hospital.

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Jeanne- how do we ever know? She is 90 and has COPD, and has had pneumonia rice in the last two years. She has high blood pressure and was hospitalized for a virus or CDiff in March and then again in May, but hat time we found it was definitely CDiff and now 2 days after leaving the nursing home she has a UTI! She has all her papers in order, living will that does not want extraordinary measures taken but she does not have a DNR. We have had necessary conversations about the finances. She has paid for and written her funeral service. She is not ready for Hospice. She old live to be 100. However she could die tonight.
Gnagitthruthis- siblings are all out of state as are steps. They would be and are no support.when she first had pneumonia, I cried to one brother and he quickly got off the phone and he was the one I consider closest to. They call her on holidays and her birthday, but that is about the length of their commitment. I often comment that my stepbrothers are more concerned about her but that is because she was the one that relieved them of caring for my stepfather.
She has been a great mother and it broke my heart the other day when she said, I don't know what I would do without you. I have a couple of friends that are nurturing caring friends that would be there, but both are caring for their families. One takes care of her parents who take care of her disabled brother and her inlaws. They other cares for her fiancé that had multiple organ transplants and her friends son who has autism. I have some great friends but they do not have a lot of time. Others who claim to be friends are only ones who are there for what they can get from me. It took me a while to figure that out.
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Hi Sharadale! I have been blessed that my mom has not been hospitalized since last year, and before that it was 2010-2011. But I know it's quite a frustrating dilemma to be split between home and hospital and fear that "this is it". And it sounds like, as it is for MOST of us, you do not have a support system, it's just you. Which sounds like your primary concern/problem, actually, not where your mom passes. It sounds like if she passes at home, you'll be just as alone considering your husband's level of anxiety. First of all, if you have access to other support, start engaging it NOW! That is siblings, friends etc. When you first start caregiving, I think it's typical to underestimate the task. Don't be ashamed that you're frustrated or annoyed. Caregiving is a lot about having your "plans" disrupted. interrupted unexpectedly and we're accustomed (in our non-caregiving lifestyle), to being able to set a plan and pretty much carry it through. The only thing that will relieve that frustration is adequate support, distribution of responsibilities so that you actually have some regular reliable "care-free" time. As for the thoughts about where it'll be easiest for you (on a number of levels) for mom to pass, that seems a normal-under-these-circumstances kind of thing. You will constantly find yourself looking for relief, cause single-handed caregiving is a chronic stress situation. The thought of dealing with the moment of your mom's passing alone, with the added pressure of hospital stuff, is probably overwhelming. A constructive question to ask is who in your network of friends and family, will be there to hold you up and deal with all the stuff when that time comes,wherever you happen to be.
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Is your mother close to death at this time, Sharadale? What is her attitude toward end-of-life decisions? Does she want more aggressive treatment? Does she have a DNR?

If hospice care is compatible with her wishes I suggest you discuss with her doctor whether she is ready for that, and sign up for it when it becomes suitable.

My husband died at home on hospice. I am so glad we weren't in a medical setting.
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