I feel absolutely horrible asking for advice on this topic. My mother-in-law is currently in a rehab facility due to a fall and a heart attack. She has been in cognitive decline for a while, but it has progressed since she has been in the home. We have been asking her to move in with us for a few years now. Unfortunately, it took this incident for her to finally agree. Mostly because she doesn’t have any other choice.
When we asked her to move in, she was still independent and capable of taking care of herself. She had bowel cancer in the past and is somewhat incontinent with number 2. I have a terrible, weak stomach when it comes to smells and human bodily functions. I am not proud of myself for it, but I struggle greatly. I can’t eat when I am in nursing homes or hospitals. How am I supposed to overcome this to help with her bathroom and bathing needs? We suspect she has dementia. She is having a hard time cleaning herself in the home and has feces all over her bedding. I went to her house to get her laundry and discovered in her hamper, her underwear with feces all over them. This is going to be so hard for me. what do I do? I know I have to toughen up. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
This could go on for years, my mother is 98.
You don't need to toughen up you need to admit that you are not equipped to do this and turn it over to her family to decide what to do.
No, you don’t. And no, you can’t. This will not work. You will regret moving her in.
I’m the same way. Anything involving poop and I am gagging. Your body just reacts and there isn’t much to be done with that. It’s just how we’re wired. Not your fault. Even if I couldn’t smell the poop, I’d freak out at the sight!
Your home, laundry room, and her bedroom will smell. Febreze only goes so far.
I’m fighting a gag just by writing this.
As many others on here have said, you need to really reconsider. You can’t “toughen up” a body reflex like this. Poop aside, do you have any idea what you’re taking on? She is not going to improve. It’s nowhere near like changing baby diapers.
You can’t care for her at home. Find her a great skilled nursing facility. Don’t even move her into your home briefly because then you’re stuck. Not even for a night.
Good luck, and you might want to read others’ past posts on this subject.
Hell, nobody should do home care.
Get her into a facility and learn from your mistake. Trust me, the messes are only going to get worse.
I can say from 25 years doing homecare and having seen and cleaned every mess a human can make, the messes will get far worse.
Yes, you have to "toughen up," but not in the way that you think. You will have to toughen up and tell everyone that you canNOT take care of her, and that she needs to be placed in a facility.
Tell me -- who was it that pushed for MIL to move in with you the most? I'm betting it was your H. Your profile states that you are 49. Do you work outside the home? Does your H?
Is your H going to do any caregiving for HIS mother?
Just to get a fuller picture of the situation, does H have sibs? If so, then how and why did your home become the only option for MIL? What is MIL's financial situation?
Begin talking to the discharge planners and Social Workers make them fully aware that you can not safely care for her in your home.
You say you have 3 years that her care will be covered. Use that 3 years now. Application for Medicaid can begin when that is necessary.
When you start looking for a facility make sure that it is one that will accept Medicaid. Many want a resident to be "private pay" for 2 or 3 years prior to Medicaid.
I do hope your husband is POA and can make these decisions.
Although if she is cognizant you do have the hurdle of getting her to agree to a care facility.
By the way you do not "have to toughen up" It is your husband that will have to step up and provide care for his mother.
This is not your responsibility just because you have an X chromosome.
"When we asked her to move in, she was still independent and capable of taking care of herself".
Compare to the current situation:
Fall, heart attack, cognitive decline, ? dementia, incontinent (bowel)
For me, I'd look at these needs, look at what I could do, accept it was beyond my limits. Accept I was just one person & a team will be required now.
Your original plan was to offer MIL a home with you. But you may need to consider helping your MIL find a new home that fully supports her many needs.
You can still be the loving Daughter-in-law ❤️
I have a pretty strong stomach, but dealing with my FIL's blowouts through his thong style 'underpants' and pants and down his legs---OMGosh--I'm scrubbing and scraping dried poop off of him and my DH is sitting on the sofa gagging and retching--but NOT helping.
He had a few blowouts in restaurants and that was beyond horrible. Of course, DH takes his dad out to the car and leaves me with some poor restaurant employee helping me clean up. I was in tears from humilation and all the people looking at me, giving me the stinkeye (no pun intended) for bringing a sick old man into a public place. I remember I tipped the girl who helped me $50 and that wasn't near enough.
I went to FIL's place and threw out all his thongs and replaced them with tight fitting briefs. He hated them, but I told him it was those or a depends. And I also said we were not taking him out to eat anymore--crying out loud, how awful that is for the patrons! He got back at me by going 'commando', which was way worse. I loved my FIL, but those last few months--shudder---it was awful.
He'd have accidents and just throw the soiled clothes in the closet and shut the door. He did not have dementia. He was just not clean. And yes, his whole condo smelled to high heaven. After he passed, the first thing out the door was the carpet.
You have 3 years of monies for her care. USE IT! And I imagine she doesn't want to sell her home, but it's probably the best source of income she has. The sale of that will pay for many more years of high level care, which she needs.
If you cannot bear the smell or sight of bodily waste of whatever source, in home CG is a solid and implacable NO.
Look to the future, but be realistic. 3 years is a long time. If she lives with you, I can guarantee your house will smell like an open toilet within a week.
I am so glad you are not taking on the care of MIL. I think I am happy she made you stand on that brown rug and you finally reached your limit and walked away because if you hadn't it would be you not DH who would be taking care of his mother right now.