We want to take my early-dementia MIL to my son's wedding, but then she wants to go on up to Idaho by herself. How can we work this out?
MIL (86) wants to go to my son’s wedding in Washington in July. We would be happy to take her with us. FIL is in a board-and-care awaiting a heart valve replacement and cannot go. (More on that in a bit.) Olympia is 7 hours away from her summer cabin in Idaho. After my husband drove them back last fall, FIL had said “Never again,” because after all the headaches to get her from San Diego to North Idaho, all she did was sit in the living room and play cards for months. He was miserable and had an awful trip each way. Since he’s awaiting surgery, she figures she can go on over, even , she says, if she has to take a cab. (7-hour cab ride each way!) She says that “no way in hell am I spending the summer in San Diego.” (A lot of people would LOVE to spend the summer where she lives.) So she will put the dog in the kennel and fly up with us. We are hoping the dog will entice her to come back with us as normally when they used to go up there they always took the dog, of course. But we are expecting a big fight with her with lots of yelling regardless. She refuses any in-home care at either home because she doesn't realize she has dementia. She has no valid driver's license but plans to drive anyway if she can get there. We have thought of just not taking her to the wedding, but that seems cruel. But leaving my FIL alone in Skilled Nursing possibly within two weeks of having risky heart surgery seems cruel too. She figures FIL is on his own since it’s “his choice” not to go. (Her actual words.) My son would like his grandma at his wedding as she would be the only Grand there. But he wants his dad and me to be able to focus on the wedding. Everywhere we go on this it feels like SOMEONE is being selfish. Except my son and his future wife. I'm sure I've forgotten something, but any non-snarky advice is welcome. Her personality has definitely deteriorated since the dementia started.
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Not sure how you are going to go about telling her ur not taking her. My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia when my niece married. I was going to put her in an AL for respite care but ended up permanent. When I talked to them, they were having a sale on rooms. So, I placed her. The trip was 7 hours so no way would she have made it. I had been caring for her 2 yrs in my home 24/7. Needed a break.
If you bring grandma you won’t be able to relax and focus on the wedding. Your son realizes that his grandmother has serious issues and as much as he would like to have his grandmother present at their wedding, I think that he will be relieved that grandma isn’t there so his parents can fully enjoy the wedding.
You also need to consider all of the prep work before and after the wedding. Did she receive an invitation from her grandson to the wedding? Is there any way that you can make up an excuse as to why she can’t attend, so you won’t hurt her feelings?
Check into respite care for her during the time that you will be at the wedding.
And your DH was willing to make the massive round trip as driver??
I had long wondered how that trip went.
How about "Yes" to the wedding & focus all the talk on that. Who'll be there, outfits, flowers, gifts etc
(Excellent suggestions below about having an Aide pre-booked for the event to manage her : a friendly woman to shadow her all day. Do it. Hopefully you can then relax a bit).
Any attempt of your MIL to talk about the cabin can be met with "We'll See".
(Which as most patents know = no 😉)
Fiesty types like MIL like to be in control & make their own decisions. So if somehow you can trick her a bit so that SHE decides not to go to the cabin - Whalah!! Problem solved. If not, all discussions must be AFTER the wedding. There may be an epic tantrum, tears & shouting. (But hopefully NOT at the wedding). Oh well to the tantrum. Let her be disappointed but keep her safe.
My Mother was determined for a family gathering outside. I warned & warned the weather is unpredictable at that time of year. "It will be ok" was all you'd get (standard vascular dementia answer btw) or "I'll manage". The look on her face when the weather changed... Wind!!!! Rain!!!!
Next event I got wiser. I realised trying to reason with someone who lacked reason was futile. I had to stop arguing & let common sense rule instead.
Take necessary precautions - like hiding the car keys if she should not drive & use 'therapeutic fibs' if need be.
I honestly have no solutions for you, but I thought I'd mention that much. You might take that into account in addition to all the other "what-ifs" you're facing.
Your easiest way out of this might be to tell her the TSA said her ID is a no-go.
You've got a lot going on!
I think you had indicated last year that your MIL almost burned the place down? So between that and her shaky navigation skills, the lake house as a solo adventure is off the table, right? Given that she sat in the house playing cards, it sounds like her executive ability is begining to be affected too-again, not conducive to functioning alone, and someone--I'm guessing your hubby unless there's a POA--will need to make some decisions in her best interest while your FIL is having his surgery. She should be assessed by a neurologist or geripsychiatrist and then the doctor can be the bad guy & tell her ''no solo trips, no driving.'' At least rule out any other causes, get a diagnosis, and trial her on meds to see if it slows the progress of the memory loss (if appropriate). Tell her that this year isn't going to be the year to go in July, but that you'd be happy to travel with her to & from the wedding (IF you're willing to wrangle her for the duration of the trip). Maybe you can take her for a week or so later this summer or Fall--that would seem to meet more people's needs-wedding, surgery, lake house. As you say, she's not really herself in some ways, so she needs help whether she knows it or not.
Leave her at home.
Her going anywhere in July, (heat), especially the wedding with a deteriorating personality will disrupt a lovely time for everyone involved. How does she take the heat? Weather in July/Idaho:
"July is the hottest month of the year in Idaho, with average high temperatures in the warm zone of 79°F (26.1°C) to 95°F (35°C)".
Your son is being gracious, but gave you a qualifier.
"My son would like his grandma at his wedding as she would be the only Grand there".
Qualifier is: " But he wants his dad and me to be able to focus on the wedding."
Traditionally, the grooms parents hold the rehearsal party. With that, and participation in the wedding (photos of wedding party), this may stress out grandma.
Maybe grandma needs respite care. How would she get home from the cabin, since her husband had already said "Never again"? (Because of her needs and behaviors back then?).
Still, go ahead and take her. But nix the cabin until you all can go together?
I have known some really functional 86 y.o. seniors.
She could even offer the cabin as part of the newlyweds honeymoon?
How do you feel about it?
If her husband can not care for her while he is ill someone should be appointed temporary guardian so that if something happens the proper decisions can be made. AND, heaven forbid if something happens to her husband during surgery or after someone will have to be appointed permanent guardian.
You should also have a caregiver that can help you with her at the wedding. Either hire someone from an agency to act as a "friend of the family" so that you can concentrate on the wedding. Also be prepared to allow her to go back to the room or leave the venue if she gets upset, anxious...
Tell her that the summer cabin has been rented out for the season. And since there is another family there she can not go right now.