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DH's family abandoned their bachelor 84yr old uncle due to a family spat. He chose the wrong side. 2 years ago he almost died. He has no dementia. Just health issues and fear of being alone. I couldn't stand that he was completely alone. He had to call a renter for help. His closest relatives are 3 minutes from his door. We offered to move from my entire family, older children, new grandbaby, parents, sisters and all their kids, an hour away to be his care givers. He had lived alone for years. His house was disgusting. It took a team of family members 2 months to make it livable. Before we moved in he asked if we would retire there on the family home place. He had his will changed to leave it to DH. DH, youngest son (who is away at college except 2 months tops) and our HS daughter moved in. Since then, 2 years and a 2nd near death experience have passed. In his mind, we were homeless and he took us in. Our 2nd son is living in and keeping up our home. It's on my family farm. We are making the house payments for that house, (it's for a family of 6 not a young guy starting out). My son is keeping it up so we can move back "someday". He is also helping care for my mom (I should be there doing that! Not a 23yr old grandson). We are paying for so many things that the old farm house doesn't have "or need" like further cleaning, up keep a safe bathroom and internet for school. We are struggling. His uncle is ugly to me but not in front of anyone else. He's a bigot and sexist (please don't say it's the age he was raised in, I know PLENTY of people his age who would NEVER use the words or phrases he uses.). I have begun complaining (as if you couldn't tell from above rant). My DH, college son and daughter have heard some but don't believe how ugly he can be. They get upset with me. I'm the one left here when they leave. I'm the caregiver for a man who doesn't need it. I'm the housekeeper for a man more disgusting than all 3 of my boys and all their friends rolled together ever were. I have adult children. I should be enjoying my granddaughter. I should not have to worry if he washed his hands before he touches her or her toys. I should not have to bleach hardwood because she is crawling or buy new carpeting for the basement to keep her clean. All because he won't wipe his shoes when he comes in from parking in the barn where Goodness Knows What deadly chemicals were spilled over the last 100 years.
I don't know how to suck it up. I don't know how to deal with someone who is ugly like this. I'm not used to being dismissed by my family. Now, I'm not sure if this is a rant or actual question.

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I wonder how much being around this uncle is affecting your wellbeing. Just because he is an atheist does not make him a bad person. What makes him a bad person is that he chooses to be nasty, and he's two-faced.

Record an assortment of his nastiness toward you so that *you* remember why you want to leave and, once back home, why you left. Play it whenever you "feel sorry" for this uncle. Should your husband ever try to get you back into caregiving for this uncle, play the recording for your husband.
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"And fools rush in where angels fear to tread..."

Your DH's uncle fooled you. Well, the obvious next quotation is: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."

Go home.

- By the way, once you're not shielding them, the rest of your family will very soon see what you were complaining about.

I'm interested. Would you still call his falling out with the other side of the family, "a spat"? Would you still say they abandoned him? - abandoned, or ran for the hills?
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Tough love coming to you...
You state it right in the first sentence. His immediate family abandoned him for a spat. And then you describe why...his personality. No one can abuse you without your permission. You are his current doormat.
He may be a slob and he should and could get to choose how he lives his own life no matter how poor his decisions are.
I think you will see many posts to stop this
Since you believe this is your religious calling and he is your little project, there is a passage about Jesus reminding his apostles to dust off their sandals and move on if they get rejected.
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Looks like your volunteer time has expired.
Be waiting at "our home" for when your husband returns.

Christians walk with Jesus, not atheists.
Wipe the dust off your feet as you leave that place for your own home.
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OH MY GOODNESS! My bf said the exact same thing. Dust your sandals and leave sister. Everyday is one step closer.
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Seriously friends, I am truly grateful for your help! I don't have the power to convert an atheist. There is only One with that power. I was carrying too much, again, on my shoulders instead of giving it to God. As for the rest, I am not ready to leave. I do know if I did, my husband would be with me. It's, as with many of you, a no win situation. Thanks so much for the peace you have shared!
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You state "I'm the caregiver for a man who doesn't need it". If he truly doesn't need daily care then I vote with everyone else, go home. As for the "inheritance", it's just words on paper that he can change with any whim, not to mention it will be all gone if he ever needs to pay for a higher level of care.
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He did at one time. I couldn't care less about the farm. I just miss mine. I know. You are all right. I guess I wanted validation of my feelings. Thank-you!
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Is there any reason why you cannot leave and go back home to live in your house? Or, set up a video camera, with sound to record how this man treats you? You are being used by your husband and his family.

“He had his will changed to leave it to DH”...perhaps that is a telling sentence? Is it worth your marriage and happiness?

Explain to DH that you miss your home and family. It is no longer the 50’s where a woman had to be totally subservient to her husband and other men in his family. You’ve had enough and in two weeks, you will have your things packed and will be returning home. He has that time to find a health aide, housekeeper, etc.
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Here's another side. We are faithful. He is an atheist. My dream was to move in, he would see the Light of Christ and become a Christian. He has become more tolerant. But the dream hasn't happened. I of course have guilt and fear he will use my leaving as a sign that Christian's don't walk the walk. (Excuses. I know!)
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Burnout alert.
You are making perfect sense. The frustration, doubts you are having are normal.
But normal for a caregiver with burnout.
Normal for anyone put under these circumstances.

Stay here with us, keep posting, until you find a solution that fits you.

Can you make a visit to your own home?
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I do, by-weekly or so.
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Its time to go home. You need to tape him. You are not suppose to be struggling to care for him. There was a reason family won't care for him. Go take care of Mom.
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Thank-you!
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