We visit Mom in memory care once a week. I last about 7 minutes and then get tongue tied. What do I talk about?

The dinner hour daily works well for me, she needs the help any way, and the staff seem to appreciate it. I rattle on about whatever happened that day, tell her about other family members, ask her silly questions, etc. She doesn't really initiate conversation but does respond fairly well. After dinner, we go to her room. I usually get out the portable CD player and put her "choir" music on (she was in a church choir when she was younger), and that usually seems to make her happy. I may clean her nails and apply a moisturizer where she needs it, comb through her hair, maybe clean her teeth a bit. I check her closet and drawers, collect her laundry that needs doing and generally straighten her room. She has a new roommate who likes to "borrow" things, if you get my drift, so retrieving mom's stuff might take me awhile (still can't find mom's new eyeglasses, but I will). I wheel her to the big TV room where everyone else usually is at that point and tell her I'll be back in a bit, then I leave. When it gets nicer out, I'll be able to wheel her outside and sit in the garden with her. She liked that very much last year.

Sue, do also remember that you don't have to keep up a running commentary. You can just sit with her and do the crossword or your knitting; and if subjects happen to come up then great, and if they don't it doesn't matter. You are there to spend time with her, not to dazzle her with sparkling conversation or confirm key points of her yet-to-be-written biography.

As one who has a hearing problem, I can tell you that sometimes it's easiest to give up trying to hear what is being said. You know that her near term memory is shot. Why not bring something visual and old? Photos for example, not recent ones but old ones. You might want to try a photo of her as a girl. I bet you can find one that will make her smile!

sue,
I know how hard this is -
I don't really remember the last time I had an actual conversation with mom even though she is still verbal - our activity is either spent helping her eat or just sitting with her -
Sometimes we will play with pool noodles and balloons but she sleeps a lot more now and more so in the evening I just sit next to her bed after we say our prayers

Thanks to everyone for all the great suggestions. I'm going to reread all the posts and "take notes".
I think I'll try to bring a photo album with me tomorrow. And I'll put on a running thread of 40's and 50's music, if she can hear it without blasting everyone else out of the room. Mom didn't listen to music much but it is soothing and fills the "space".

She sure enjoyed the Snickers bar I brought last week. She, like most, have a love of chocolate. I'll make it a weekly treat.

Maybe I'll bring some flowers next week. They don't keep them in the patients room because all the residents are either in the living room or outdoor patio all day. But I don't mind if everyone can enjoy them in the main room.

Poor dear, most memories of earlier times are lost but the photos might help.

We try to get to the outdoor patio when the weather is nice but mom's always cold. Oh well, it gets us moving to go out there, sit then come back in.

I'll try a couple of catalogues too. She used to love to shop mail-order.

And a curling iron is a great suggestion. Her hair is so thin and straight. I'm sure it would give her a lift. Hubby used to polish her nails at the other MC, so I just dug out the acetone and polish to take with us.

Thanks again for the answers. I feel like I'm prepared for a few weeks now!

That would be wonderful because I’m a cinefile and music lover. My mom hardly EVER listened to music or watched movies. 😕

(((((Sue))))) My mom enjoys it most when I sit and watch movies with or listen to older music with her. Then we talk about the movies or music, or the celebrities that make those things. It astonishes me what she can remember about celebrities! She also enjoys educating us younger women about what life was like for women "back in the day," including women in her family - movies/music by/about women encourage those conversations....sometimes documentaries too (she had a great time the other day, talking with me and the home support worker during a Gloria Steinem documentary!). Older music also prompts conversations about the "old days" in general. She particularly likes music from her teens and early 20s.

I agree with focusing on doing rather than talking. My parents are in memory care and conversations are very difficult. I think they feel like they need to converse so ask me the same questions over and over.. so.. have you heard from any "family"?...errr.. no. (they are unaware of just how out of touch with "family" I am). Even worse.. if the conversation gets too involved it could come around to why are we here? where is the car? etc etc

I try to bring some things with me. I have playlists on my phone of music they like and I bring a blue tooth speaker with me to play music (if its a nice day and we can sit outside), I bring my laptop sometimes and watch funny youtube videos with dogs or cats or other animals, sometimes I bring stuff to do my Mom's nails , I bring magazines we can look through and discuss, I play word games with Mom.. etc.

Sometimes I bring treats.. candy, ice cream, starbucks, or sometimes just oranges or other fruits.

So many family members come and visit and don't bring anything and I see them sitting all uncomfortable and quickly leave. If I plan it right I can actually enjoy my visit with them.. It is just a different type of visit. I try to stay away from involved conversations. If I do converse it is about the here and now.. no big life discussions, nothing about work or anything.

Good Luck!

How would talking about you and her when you were a child and went to the park, beach, played board game (any game), any pleasant thing she can relate to from the past?

Or just hold her hand. 

There’s a screened sunroom people can go outside and enjoy the very ample outdoors.
My own mom always avoided outdoors activities due to allergies, biting insects, dirt, etc so likes looking at pretty nature not being eaten by it! We live in the South.

This is why I visit at meal time. My mom needs to be fed so I do that, but I've noticed others who order the meal and just sit and eat with their loved ones, it can easily take up an hour and conversation can be optional.

I am with my Mom daily for 3-4 hours at the NH. Some time she naps, and some is taken up at lunch, but here’s how I spend the waking time, in case it gives you any ideas. My mom has lost her vision so some of the things like playing simple card games and looking through her pictures has stopped. But I just yack on about anything. My latest stained glass project, the beautiful Victorian mansions I drive past getting to her NH, what DH is doing today, what the neighbors are doing, details about a wedding I went to, the weather. I may have to say the same stuff a few times but it’s all new to her. Now I’m bringing in my gardening and seed catalogs and she’s “helping” me choose seeds. I describe the plants from the catalog and she oohs and ahhs and voices her opinions. We may repeat that the next day. Repeat. I’ve downloaded a bunch of her favorite music and play it on my phone and we sing together. She can’t remeber my name sometimes but she remembers lyrics to lots of old songs. She used to play the piano and when she could see we would play an easy piano game on my iPad. It’s called BDW Piano with Songs. Anyone can do it just press the red key. Her roomie sometimes joins. We still play it on a good day and I have to guide her finger, but she still loves it. I use a curling iron on her hair between hairdressing appts and do her nails. I make her a cup of tea and a biscuit. I make her bed if the aids haven’t gotten to it yet. We go through her closet and she tells me what she doesn’t like to wear anymore. I get her an Ensure if she’s thirsty. We wheel around the floor and find a sunny window, as she can still feel the heat of the sun although she can’t see it. I may take her to an easy activity that’s going on. I hope some of these have given you some ideas to fill you time with your Mom with some more activities that she might enjoy.

My father likes to look through old photo albums. Maybe bring one on your next visit.

Sue, i would work on my " material" all week before visiting my mom. Showed her Facebook photos of great nieces and nephews. Shared videos of my grandkids. Always brought a chocolate treat and a latte.

And wheeling her around the grounds to look at birds and trees is a must.

Sue, it’s a tough obligation we feel. At least I did with my father. He was 10 years with that horrible Alzheimer’s.
Eventually, he couldn’t respond at all and just stared. My mom was there 3 times a week and combed his hair and talked to him. Strangely, their life relationship had always been real stormy and financially challenging. They always had fought and it was tough growing up.
But I found that when I was there, it was strangely settling. My mom and I would just have our own conversations while he was with us. We’d just meet there and talk to each other about our day, our week, neighbors, whatever. I don’t know if he was trapped inside himself and listening or not. But it wasn’t so bad while we focused on each other, mom and I. There came to be a strange normalcy in our being there.

I know it’s tough. But, I don’t know, maybe you don’t have to just focus on her all the time while your there. Maybe it’s enough that you’re present and bringing a little bit of your life there.

That’s just how it was for me, for what it’s worth.
Either way, these are some of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Maybe because I just didn’t want to.

I hope you find a way to work it out for yourself.
I wish you the best in this.

Sue,

This is a hard one.

Moms fingernails grew so fast so once a week I trimmed and filed her nails.

I found an Avon nail polish that really did dry in about 10 seconds. Speed Dry maybe.

Other times I tried to straighten out her closet.

Sometimes she would flip thru a magazine.

There came a time Mom didn’t know me. She was always glad to see me. She would tell me my hair was cut just like her daughter (me).

Hang in there Sue.
(((Hugs)))

I agree with the "doing" instead of talking. Could you put lotion on her hands and/or legs or comb her hair or listen to music together? Paint her fingernails or give her a mini-manicure? Bring some snack or treat she loves and eat that together? If you have a smartphone, show her videos on Facebook? I'd show my mom animal videos and she enjoyed those. Maybe buy her cheap cards at the dollar store and make them like a real mailed card, write a short note inside and let her open it up like mail? My mom always loved getting mail or cards. Buy some cute stickers and let her put stickers on things? Buy some dollar store puzzles for kids and put those together? Good luck, it's tough!!

There is a documentary called Alive Inside. Parts of it are on YouTube, maybe on other sites like Netflix or Amazon, too. Watch that if you have time and it will give you some ideas about how use music to engage your mom's brain in ways that may get her talking in a more cognizant way for a brief time. This worked for my grandmother to get her telling stories from her youth, which I loved listening to and talking about with her.  

Bring magazines, maybe? National Geographic, gardening or travel, anything visual. Flip through them together. Something might “light mom up.” Just a thought. ((((hugs))))

Sooo hard! Hugs to you!

Can you "do" things with her, instead of relying on just talk? I'd always push Mom around in her wheelchair, outside if weather permitted, and inside if not. I'd comment on pictures in the hallway or new blossoms in the neighbor's flower beds. Mom loved trees and we exclaimed over the particularly nice ones.

I would color with her. I printed out coloring pages that were simple but not childish. She liked flowers best. A couple of my sisters played cards on their visits. I brought in photo albums and looked at them with her.

I don't think I could have sat and carried on a conversation for more than seven minutes, but we had nice weekly visits of 2 or 3 hours each.