My brother and I moved our 78 year old mentally ill mother closer to me. She is an extreme hoarder and even worse housekeeper. We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. There is no storage!! Her house was toxic and there were very few things worth saving. We saved pictures and family items, but she keeps asking for things in storage and I don't know what to do? My brother is back in CA now and I am all alone in this. I never wanted to lie to her about the storage but I also knew that it was the only way we could get her out of the apartment to help her. There were mice feces, bugs, dirt everywhere. Any suggestions would be helpful, because if and when she finds out, there is going to be hell to pay I am sure.
Your observations recalled an econ theory, the name of which I don't remember right now. It addressed the positive reinforcement of spending, a monetary illusion perhaps of being more financially stable than the individual might be. Simply put, people affected by this phenomenon get gratitude and reinforcement from spending money, as well as a feeling of being more financially stable.
And the items purchased apparently reinforce that feeling. This might, however, address things like clothes, jewelry and other consumer goods purchases. But over the years, those things can deteriorate and end up in piles, with less value or comfort. And so the process can continue.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
I think I will share it in the Adult Children of Hoarders group I am in.
did she tell you everything she did ?
She never wants to "SEE" any of this stuff, she just wants to know that it still is "there' wherever "there" is.
We did have to keep all her checking statements from 1964 and all her PCH envelopes and inserts in bins in the basement. They are in huge plastic bins marked "Super essential to life documents" so when she passes we don't have to go back and go through it.
hoping you’re feeling well & getting stronger every day...
Hugs 🤗
I heard a radio interview once where a grandchild wrote a book about her relationship with her mom and grandma.
It’s fascinating to hear about a child views their family situations. I love hearing authors being interviewed about their book.
She said her grandma was fiercely independent and so was her mom. Both women were intensely strong and stubborn.
She said they both put her in the middle and she desperately didn’t want to take sides because she loved them both.
She said it was strange seeing her ‘mom’ be a ‘mom’ to her grandma because her grandma had always been a strong personality and she loved how strong her grandma was.
She said the only time that she saw her grandma compliant with her mom was after the ALZ. She said the only time she saw compassion from her mom to her grandma was after the ALZ.
She said the only time she ever saw her mom and grandma get along was after the grandma got ALZ and in some ways it was a blessing for her grandma because the painful memories were erased from her grandma.
She said her mom for the first time saw this overly critical woman with kindness in her heart because the harsh criticism no longer happened.
These cognitive issues are truly baffling. Others have testified to the opposite occurring saying that cognitive decline ruined the relationship. It’s all so individual.
Then she said it was the only time that she wasn’t thrown in the middle of their fights and how it was the very first time they were kind to each other because the grandma couldn’t compete with the daughter anymore. She saw how her grandma truly needed help. She said her mom for the first time felt needed by her mom.
The mom didn’t have to impress her mother anymore. It was fascinating hearing this from the grown up granddaughter who wrote a book as a young adult after her grandma died. It’s all about perspective.
It hurts kids being put in the middle of anything. I couldn’t stand being pitted against my siblings and them against me from my mom. I detested it.
Same with marriage. No matter how upset I was with my husband about whatever I never wanted my kids to be a part of ‘our’ conflict so I never trashed my husband to our kids. He didn’t trash me to them. It just isn’t fair to do that to young children.
I made up my mind after listening to this interview that I would never ever put my kids in that position and force them to choose sides between my mother and me. Fortunately my mother never undermined me to my children because that would have made me furious.
Later on though, my kids thanked me for allowing them to love grandma just because she was grandma but they noticed how she treated me even if I didn’t complain to them about her. They noticed me losing my temper at times too, even though I tried so hard not to. It is hard having a parent live with us. Even those with overall good relationships do attest that it isn’t perfect at all times. That’s impossible! No one has a ‘perfect life with perfect parents, husband or kids, just doesn’t exists.
It’s such a complicated thing. My mom didn’t have cognitive issues that I was aware of. She has Parkinson’s disease.
Seriously when I read these stories like this, ‘rat feces’ etc. I became terrified of I hope I will never be that person and my kid on this website discussing me.
I know that my mom hates having Parkinson’s and being a burden. It has to stink losing independence. To lose independence, plus your memory must be just horrible. Some people say people are aware of cognitive decline when it starts to happen. I’ve heard others say they are oblivious to it.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea to tell little white lies of coming up with where their items are. It is a sense of calm, comfort, and peace that they still have their items somewhere even if they can’t see them.
We couldn’t bring all her stuff back to my house (where she lives now) and most of it wasn’t worth saving. Brought back pictures, items of sentiment, and requested items. House had bugs and layers of filth. Dishes were wearing through to the underlayment.
But now I’m struggling with her getting very upset over something that she thinks of that she wants (and I know we don’t have), she blames anyone moving that it was stolen. Right now we are still going through what was brought back, and I tell her that we haven’t gone through all the boxes yet. Maybe it will be in there. When all the boxes are done and she remembers something else, there will be hell for me to pay for. Guess I’ll have to think of something else when that time comes. (She was told before the move and after the move that we couldn’t bring everything back).