We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

Since there were mice feces, et al., initially, tell it it was ruined due to the bugs and mice. This gets you out of the dog house and it is partially true. You did the best you knew how in the moment. These decisions are not easy. After the fact, I feel that the best course of action for care providers / family members to forgive themselves for doing what they felt was right at the time, let go of guilt and stress. I would encourage others to keep special mementos (family, wedding photos - things that are really personally meaningful). Clothes, 'stuff,' furniture can all be replaced, one item at a time. gena

Lie. Tell her that mice got into it while in storage and that it all was contaminated.

You've already told her an untruth for her health and safety. Now, for her mental well-being, tell her the storage unit was broken into and everything was taken.  If she asks what is being done about the theft, tell her the storage unit management is handling everything and "we all have to be patient."

I'd tell her there was a fire, water damage... anything that you are comfortable with to let her know that nothing is left. Let her know it was damaged beyond recovery and had to be thrown away.

I would just keep up the ruse. I find that if I throw my mother the truth, she gets really confused. It may sound a bit weird, but if she didn't need stuff any longer, no reason to keep, and no reason to upset her if it is gone. Making up another lie like a storage unit just will confuse her more. IMHO. Best of luck as you are on a tough journey. This place helps me read about some answers I need me my 90 y.o. Mum with advancing dementia.

Hoarding is a mental illness in the DMS-V. This may also be Diogenes Syndrome, a hoarding behavior and lack of self-care that develops in some elderly people. As others have said, redirect and know that she will probably continue to "hoard up" her current residence. Hoarders do that with some, who have the financial means, hoarding up multiple houses. Hoarders do not change unless they want to change, which happens very rarely because they don't see the problem, even with mouse-infested, decaying stuff around them. I don't know if you are on Facebook, but there are at least two groups for Adult Children of Hoarders which have a lot of valuable insights into the disorder. My mother was a hoarder and I have learned a lot from the group. Good luck.

My cousin and I spent 9 months on the weekends packing up my mother's stuff from a 2300 sq. ft. house due to hoarding issues, and I have all of the small stuff in storage units and at my house. The house and the appliances and furniture were sold, and my mother was told of this, and WHY it had to be done. She has never forgiven me, and is now dying and even TODAY had to remind me of what I did. Can't WAIT to wind up in Hell!! It was done for a PURPOSE and a NEED. I am not afraid of what "direction" I am headed for when it will be MY time to go!! What a relief!

Your story is like so many these days! I had to move my mom(now 99) to assisted living 3 years ago. She had a nice clean mobile but had lots of "stuff" neatly packed away in closets etc. Lots of stuff she had collected over the years. She was a product of the great depression and saved lots of things due to the time that there was nothing. I carefully went through everything, saving the precious mementos and family things, etc. A lot of things had to be donated and lots of stuff was thrown away. Like you, when she asks, I tell her it is safely in my storage unit in town, it isn't always convenient to go there and so that is what I add to the equation in hopes that she forgets for another couple of weeks, or I say that I forgot to go by there and look for stuff but I assure her that the family stuff and things that are precious are being kept for future. Sometimes her confusion makes her believe that she is going to go back home someday. Just keep the "little white lie" going. It is best for her, and you. There is no need for her to know otherwise. We used some of her own furniture and some of her little trinkets into her apartment in the assisted living and she feels comfortable that way. I hope this helps. Don't keep beating yourself up about it. None of u!s realized we would have to go through all of this! Hang in there!

p.s. We have also had to go through the "hoarder" issue with my father in law with dementia(now deceased) had the infestation issue etc in a very large house, lots of stuff, trash etc. Had to move him too, had to do the same "little white lies" to save arguments, upsets etc. It is just better for everyone involved. Again, there is NO reason to engage in the fighting and upsetting them about why their stuff was thrown or donated.

Is anything left? If so, bring it out and ask your Mom to tell you about it's story. My mother attached her memories to "things." Throwing out her things was the equivalent to throwing out her memories. It was very upsetting to her, as one can imagine. Keeping some things around to talk about might distract your mom from the pain of losing everything else.

Have some answer rehearsed in your back pocket like ....  the health dept said she had to leave & most was disposed of as toxic waste by professionals & that your bro & you could only save a bit ..... you didn't want to let her know as it would have upset her so much - this way you are not the bad guy but rather saved as much as you could at the peril of your own health [say you were forced to wear full body suits & resperator] - BUT DON'T TELL HER THIS UNTIL ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY
 
Meanwhile make excuses, use therapeutic lies when you have to do so [I don't see this as lying but as keep your mom on an equilibrium of some contentment], 'forget', get busy etc

My father is 83 with vascular dementia and he is also a hoarder. We are in the UK and social services told me that his place is a mess and i agree. I live with dad but i have my own apartment in the same house. I therefore dont need to share anything with him. Every room he occupies has a hoard. It's mainly papers and out of date medicines, old clothes, furniture and so on. I recently cleared out his kitchen and i had 22 black sacks of rubbish. Old food, papers, containers, empty cigarette boxes, medicines and more. I blitzed it and he was there trying to stop me throwing things away but i just told him go and sit down and leave me alone. He kept telling me he needed things and i said ok give me reasons why but he couldn't so it just went in the bin. In the end it looked like a new kitchen. I had the cleaner come in the following day to wash down all the worktops and appliances and it was sparkling clean. He has started accumulation again but i soon go in and throw stuff.. You have to in order to keep on top of it. I just throw and throw. I was also initially worried he would ask but he hasn't. He doesn't remember what he had or even know. He just keeps for the sake of it. I take things when he is not looking to my apartment and then sort through them. 90%is trash so i get rid of it. This is the only way otherwise it gets too much.. I thought about putting things in storage but decided against it as costs were high. I now am working on a plan to get him out of the house for a week or two so i can clear out more. Yes he will go mad when he comes back if my plan is successful but hopefully he wont remember and will realise that the house is looking clearer and fresher. I know when he dies i will have a lot to do but i habe gotten a good head start already by taking things when he is not looking and just throwing and throwing.

Every family has a story! My uncle was a hoarder. When his sons said they would just throw out everything he said he would hide money in the boxes. Well, he did! It took 2 years to go through everything, and everything was organized in boxes but not easily accessible. There was no filth and vermin to deal with, just huge amounts of stuff going back decades. No one plans to do this to their family, but it does happen for the reasons others have stated. While lying is a religous as well as moral prohibition, taking care of another person pre-empts that. Say what you have to within reason to protect Mom from herself and to protect yourself from the fallout of a mentally ill loved one who doesn't understand.

I think 7Again  offers some excellent insights, especially about relating the story of objects.    And I totally agree about disposition of items:  it does break a memory chain.   

While I'm not criticizing others, I think that suggesting items were burned, stolen, or otherwise violently disposed of can only be traumatic.   

It might be that people in that age group (and my age group) attach memories to objects which support us through challenging times, and breaking those memories has MORE of an effect on an older age group than a younger group.  

E.g., I couldn't care less about a cell phone when it's old and no longer functional.   Same with a CD player.   But I still have pleasant flashbacks to youth when I take out a pair of ballet or tap shoes, or something my family gave me at a birthday or holiday.    Or items we purchased on vacations.  

And somewhere I still have a written acknowledgment from Pete Seeger thanking my sister and I for watching his guitar at a Newport Folk Festival.   That I will NEVER throw out.  I can still picture sitting on the ground, the sound of forceful but often beautiful music creating the atmosphere for young people wanting to change the world.   And I still remember seeing Buffy Ste. Marie in a drugstore in Newport, Rhode Island.  

The memories of those pleasant events attaches to items. 

So I would do this:  if there are special items, find something (fresh and clean) as close as you can and substitute it, leaving it with your mother.  Don't help destroy or segregate the memories; help support them.

There is a difference between ‘junk’ or ‘filthy trash’ and sentimental objects. Nothing wrong with getting rid of the ‘junk or trash.’

I like the view of the poster that pointed out that there are memories and stories attached to certain objects and to ask them to share a story. That’s really sweet and who doesn’t love learning a little bit of history? I love that.

Also, the poster who said that her husband threw away her cherished objects that meant so much to her because he saw them as ‘clutter’ and enlisted their kids to do his dirty work while pretending to be on a relaxing trip with his wife. That is pure evil!

You can’t blame his wife for harboring resentment and Lealonnie came up with the perfect solution! Send him on a fishing or golfing trip and get rid of his things. Lealonnie, you are so smart! Funny too! I just love reading your post. Hell, you could be Dear Abby as far as I am concerned.

It reminds me of my evil FIL when immediately after my sweet MIL’s funeral he started saying that he wanted everything out of the house. He showed no grief. His son became upset with him and flat out asked him, “Dad, can’t we discuss this at a later time? We just buried mom!”

Of course at that time we had no inkling that he had a woman friend in the background that he was planning on moving into his home and he had to make room for her. New woman moved in two weeks after his long and supposedly ‘happy marriage’ to my MIL. All of my MIL’s things were ditched quickly! Was horrible. We were shocked and crushed.

Would I have liked certain things? Maybe, but my darling MIL gave me a few things before she died.

Once I admired her beautiful nativity set she had displayed at Christmas and after Christmas she had packed it up and gave it to me. I was so touched by that.

I also have mementos that my husband made for her as gifts when he was a little boy in school. She gave me those too. I love those!

But what I cherish most are the memories of her love that I hold in my heart. Not one single photo of any of his family remained on the walls. They were all replaced with the new woman’s family photos and photos of him with her.

I hope my MIL haunted them. Hahaha. We did notice that he moved her into my husband’s old bedroom. Guess he felt odd or she felt odd about sleeping in the same room as he slept in with my sweet MIL. Oh, what crazy circumstances we find ourselves in, right?

Suppose you tell her it is in deep storage, and is difficult to retrieve.

Does she have all her faculties even though (line 1) "..78 year old mentally ill mother .." she is mentally ill and still recalls specific items?

Robert

ive cleaned up the ' estates ' after two elderly hoarders . it has made me a minimalist . i live alone for now and own ONE fork and ONE tablespoon .
thats how much i hate clutter .

One of the things that I observed when dealing with Alzheimer’s patients was the staff changing the subject. If they wanted to go out one door that was locked, then the aides would tell them to try another door. And, by the time that they walked away - they distracted them with another discussion, food, a ball, or anything they could. I saw it work during changing time also. They were handed a big ball to hold. It kept their hands busy instead of resisting the change of clothes.

So in short, plan some distracting conversation topics. If she wants to go to the storage facility simply say that’s a great idea but you already have an appt today. Or, we won’t have time if we go out to lunch. Ask if she wants to go through her closet and make sure she has enough clothes for the season. Or, could we organize your drawers today. Many times some of those tasks are necessary anyway - but it allows her to touch and handle “her” things. You are simply distracting her from the storage discussion.

Another idea might be to buy some little things that she historically hoarded and bring them in a storage box. Simply tell her that you brought one of the boxes from storage that she might enjoy the most. If there is room - let her keep her treasure box. If not, make sure she understands that it has to go back to storage.

Going around the discussion allows you to avoid a huge upset for you both.

Good luck!

As the child of a hoarder, I seem to have built in radar for attracting other hoarding people. I don't have any sympathy for them as they are making a choice to value their stuff over their relationships with people. The past friend (page1?) with the 12 cats so no one can visit is one example; the poster whose husband took her on vacation to visit relatives who is more upset about her stuff than excited about her trip is another. I value people over things and resent those who have it backwards because my childhood was stolen by hoarding. That husband on page 1 did not throw out his wife's things without years of turmoil and he is still being punished for it.

We moved mthr from the worst hoarding imaginable, but she did want to go home when she recovered a bit. I found a letter she wrote in one of her lucid (a relative term) moments where she told the woman who stole a farm from her that we (me & hubby) slipped her a mickey and had imprisoned her in a dormitory. She related all the (true) stories about her home we told her - that the electricity/water was off at both houses and we'd have to pay deposits, and the like. We were so evil we rescued her from death, had her stage 3 cancer cured by a fantastic, hard to get doctor, and placed her where she would have 3 meals a day, running hot and cold water, air conditioning, and a real bed with covers, not her fleas and newspapers and boxes and freezing water in the toilet. Sigh.

If I were in your shoes, I'd lie. Couldn't find the key. Place is too far to go by myself. Whatever. What she wants to hear is "Your stuff is still safe." She thinks that without her stuff, her past is meaningless. Let her think her stuff is safe, and ask about past memories so she has something else to trigger those warm fuzzy feelings.

Great idea. We need to do this with my mom.

With dementia-- you re-direct. " We can talk about that later but for now--- and start a new conversation-- try the 10 absolutes of dementia and Alzheimers---.
1. Never argue, instead agree.
2. Never reason, instead divert.
3. Never shame, instead distract.
4. Never lecture, instead reassure.
5. Never say remember, say reminisce.
6. Never say I told you, instead repeat.
7. Never say "you can't." Instead say -- do what you can.
8. Never command or demand, instead ask or model.
9. Never condescend, instead encourage and praise.
10. Never force, instead reinforce.

Some of 'em I have to think about-- but most make sense since your Mom cannot think straight anymore. I recommend never letting her be her own boss ever again. THAT is asking for trouble-- she could burn the place down. For the first many years we used caregivers in an independent living facility-- then when she became a danger to her self-- next door to a Alzheimer's facility she went . And she could not remember living in the independent living facility. We had to lie to her to protect her-- and she was never the wiser-- it all worked out. Is your Mom on any kinda of meds ? Where Mom is at now the meds are mixed into some chocolate pudding. Good luck and God bless.

I am of the generation that had the original ‘Barbie’ doll. Do I still have it? Nope! Those things are worth a good bit of money now. Who knows what the value of something will be?

I love looking in antique shops and I own some antiques but I don’t get carried away with anything. I despise clutter.

I am not nor ever have been an impulse shopper. That I don’t get either. I have friends who go shopping, then return it the next day because they really didn’t like it. I don’t buy something unless I love it. I taught that to my daughters. I wanted them to know the value of a dollar.

I had simple rules with them. I showed them respect and so I received respect from each of my daughters. Were they perfect? Of course not. Was I the perfect parent? No one has a perfect parent or child. We do our best.

I told them we both had to like something before we made the final purchase. They have very different styles. The oldest is very eclectic and the youngest is a real diva!

When I took them shopping I told them that they needed to make sure they liked it because we were not going to buy something to take up space in a closet and not be worn.

I remember one time my daughter tried on a dress that I just loved. It looked so pretty on her. She was about 12 at the time. I told her how much I liked it and thought she should pick that dress because it was so pretty on her. Well, she hated the dress! She didn’t like anything at all about it and she quickly reminded me of ‘my’ rule that we ‘both’ have to like it. I stuck to my word and hung the dress back up. It would have stayed in her closet.

What is the point of making a kid wear something they hate? I always felt like they needed to learn to make their own choices because one day I would not be around to help them. It’s our job to teach them independence and control such as being selective about what to buy.

My kids had friends that had three times as much stuff as they did. That’s teaching clutter at a very young age! They didn’t use or appreciate most of it. Most of it would be pitched or donated and the items were still brand new.

Some of their friends had never gone to the zoo, aquarium, museum, a festival, a symphony concert, even a local park because all they knew were their things. Things shouldn’t be our only memories. Experiences with others, learning dance, music, art lessons or a sport is special. Those experiences last a lifetime. Stuff eventually ends up in a garbage dump.

Elaine,

I love your response to Surprise. I also love her honesty in her reply. She has first hand experience and that counts for a lot. Others are speculating if they haven’t lived it but she did go through a hoarding situation with her mom.

I like that you are accepting that you can’t change your mom. I am sure it took awhile to reach that point. We reach out to others because we want the best. Then we have to put into practice ‘the serenity prayer’ to change what we can and equally as important, to accept what we can’t. Proud of you! Took me years to accept things in certain situations but when we do we are finally able to find peace, right?

I haven't read any responses so forgive me if this is redundant or you have tried it and she didn't buy it.

I would tell her that you are sharing the storage unit, because those things are expensive and you put a truck load of stuff in the front of all her things and would she be okay with waiting because it is going to take 5 guys to rearrange everything so you can reach her things. You thought that everything would be safer being way, way in the back. Right now you just can't manage getting it rearranged, so maybe you could pick up something similar next time you go shopping?

Anything to avoid that battle ground, because it is a bloody losing battle.

Please let us know what works, my mom is a hoarder and I will be climbing this hill soon. I once spent 6 weeks trying to clean her house. She brought back 95% of the garbage I had put out for recycling and donations. I finally got the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen clean enough for her husband to come home after having part of his colon removed. It was insane.

With my mother hoarding is a distraction and her gambling addiction is a distraction and now her drinking is a distraction. Anything to numb the pain. Things get traced back to our childhood and our relationship with our mother and father. My mothers feelings were not heard. She was brought up with children should be seen and not heard. She was born in 1924. It’s all a distraction to cover up pain. My mothers mother never liked her mother which would have been my grandmother. My grandmothers 2 siblings both died at age 4 way back in 1896 and 1899. The only one home at the time was my great grandmother. One drowned in a tub that she was doing laundry and I don’t know how the other one died. Back then things were covered up. Maybe I have watched too much forensic files but it starts to put doubts in my head about my great grandmother. Maybe she wasn’t so (great).

Elaine,

You’re right. The ‘good old days’ weren’t always so good! There is a book playing on our local radio station that reads incredible books for the blind about the topic you just addressed. It’s about the lifestyle and habits of earlier mothers. Oh, it is so interesting. Can’t recall the name of the book at the moment. I think it’s something like, ‘Act Natural.’ I will try to find the exact title and author for you if you think you’d like to read it.

The radio station is WRBH in New Orleans. As many sighted people listen to it. They do fiction and non fiction, newspapers, magazines, medical journals, etc.

All the people who read for the station are volunteers. Just a wonderful public radio station that serves our community. They are uptown on Magazine St.

Elaine,

Yes, the title is Act Natural and the author is Jennifer Traig. She is a wonderful writer with a wicked sense of humor that I totally appreciate! Anyway, great read.

I save money by listening to WRBH. Hahaha. I don’t have to buy the book. I do buy some books but they read only non abridged versions. It’s wonderful because sometimes the library is out of a book too. They usually order it if possible.

I have to say that many years ago while on a trip to D.C. I went to see the Library of Congress. It’s very interesting and just a spectacular building. I love beautiful architecture.

Elaine,

Fantastic! Please let me know how you like it. It’s a fascinating look into parenting throughout generations and in different cultural situations. Wait until you read about mothers from the ‘Victorian era.’ I’m telling you, every generation has their issues and challenges, right?

She is mentally ill and she will keep asking. Just sweetly tell her when you go to storage, you will bring it. Then change the subject or tell her you did not get there yet or you forgot. I assure you if she is mentally ill, she will not remember that she asked. Just ignore and go with the "white lies". It won't make any difference - and with mentally ill people you have no choice but to lie to prevent more problems. It sounds disgusting and you did the right thing to clean things up. No one ever has an excuse for filth and hoarding.

NHWM, The difference between hoarding and collecting is that hoarders cannot let go of items at any price because of the emotional attachment. Collectors recognize value to items and are willing to part with their things at a good price, as well as having a much more narrow focus than "everything I touched, owned, or was sent," the widest manifestation of hoarding.

The purchase of so much duplication I believe has several reasons. The act of purchasing has positive reinforcement of either the sales girl OR "winning" an eBay auction, a satisfying grab on Amazon or QVC, ehich is finished off with a visit from the UPS driver. There's the distraction of shopping instead of dealing with the reality of home - magical thinking. Then there is the protection of the item, piece by piece, layer by layer. To discard an item is to admit defeat in the hunt for the bargain, collection, etc. Throwing away a newspaper, relic, or Happy meal toy is disposing of history, their personal historic story. They are afraid to let go as if it would diminish their own value.

My hoarder organized her stuff like a pro, but did not protect it from destruction, just disposal. She churned her collection in the name of cleaning, just like the tv shows do when they box up like stuff and put it back in the house. They can't be fixed - it's the hoarders choice to live like they do, but those around them do not have to accept the behavior. I had to separate myself from mthr numerous times; the husband with the hoarding wife who went on the trip took what steps he needed to to continue to live in his house. The person who chose not to visit the friend because of the 12 cats made a good choice too.

BKB: Wait for the next stage of dementia where you mom will be waiting for her daddy to take her home. It comes too fast but the stuff will no longer be missed. It took mthr less than a year to forget her house and be waiting for the school bus. In the meantime, the hoarder wants to know her stuff- her being, her life, her value- is safe. Whatever you say, help her with that valuing.