…with technology. Mom has a landline phone that plugs into cell-based service. Every single time I have talked to her in two years, she complains the phone is broken. However, every time I - or anyone else on the planet - calls her, it works fine. She barrages me and my sister (we each live 1000+ miles away) with calls, and yep, it works every time. We bought her a new phone set anyway…guess what. She says it doesn’t work. She says her home care aide broke it. Then it was her little boom box. I bought her a new one. She told me it doesn’t work - her aide broke it. She cannot even begin to use a cell phone, a computer, an iPad. So none of the tech solutions to anything can be applied. So we seem to have hit a wall. Her stove broke too, and we are not replacing it for safety reasons. She has a nearly new washing machine, and told us it was broken within a few months (surprise, surprise - it works fine for the aides!). She refuses to see her doctor about anything. I am struggling to find a neurologist to properly evaluate her, because I think we are hitting the point where she simply cannot live alone any more. We tried assisted living and it was an epic fail - she hated every minute and every person, and now tells everyone all we want is to “dump me in a nursing home.” But we do think it’s time to be looking down that road, or some kind of catastrophe will force it. Are we crazy? It’s become so incredibly stressful that I can’t think very clearly about it any more.
She vigorously denied having dementia. She said her doctor told her she didn't have a brain tumor. At that point, I backed off but heard reports from others of her steady decline.
The latest is that she gave up driving. She would never do that unless forced. This has been going on for TEN YEARS, and she was able to get by with it for a while. OP, you are not crazy! Your mom is going through almost exactly what my friend has been doing. Anyone who observes this behavior knows what's going on. But they hide and they hide - or think they are. Document as best you can, make plans for moving ahead (such as finding a suitable facility near her), and wait. Good luck, and I'm so sorry this is happening.
I would tell her that outright.
I would tell her that, whether she calls it "dumping" or whether she can bring herself to acknowledge she is no longer really safe alone with no one close, is irrelevant.
I would tell her you cannot FORCE anything. That you are asking her for her safety to consider ALF or some home care now and if she choose to make a poor decision you will await the call.
The call will come. And guess what, my brother's diagnosis of probable early Lewy's dementia, diagnosed after an accident by his symptoms, began with the EXACT SCRIPT you just gave. It began with the phone.
And his was a simple landline.
He would be talking and all of a sudden silence. He would claim it was his phone. Someone came out. Nope, phone was fine. And when I traveled there I proved that for myself, noted his balance way off, noted he had nighttime "dreams" that he described and that they were very REAL. They were, in fact, hallucinations. Lewy's Dementia.
So, whether you hear as I did, from Desert Regional Hospital: "You know, we have your brother here" (I didn't know) or from the coroner, you WILL get the call. And you will have to swing into immediate action with travel, with diagnosis, with placement, with move.
IF your mother is judged competent and you cannot force an admission to care, then she may well die at home. I am 83. I think more and more "why NOT" as to that dying at home. Is another year or two in care that I would hate a BETTER answer? It surely would be for my DAUGHTER. For me? I know I should be responsible enough to do it; let's see, if I have to live so long, whether or not I AM.
Not everything can be fixed. But there does need to be someone there now, getting a diagnosis and a good read on how bad things are. I wish you luck. Do update us.
PS And being in care is ALWAYS a disaster of course. It's all in how you manage that necessity when it comes. My brother said "This is a lot like the army when I was young, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it". And that was his choice. He always made the best of everything. We die as we lived. Usually.
My best to you; good luck.
I will be honest with you; at 82 and 84 respectively, my partner N. who has been ever so much more tech savvy than me, and I myself have ever more a problem with phones, computers, etc. To say nothing of the trouble we have with entities out there you need to call for one reason and another. It was only last year that I got up the intestinal fortitude to get a "big girl phone" which is a Lively Smartphone (OMG I love that company; such great folks to talk you through anything so easily reached).
But the new washers and stoves? Guess what, our stove repair guy hates them, too. He says "NEVER give up this old gas stove; the new ones can't be repaired without sticking in whole tech units to replace what busted". They are bad news to we elders.
So far we are managing, but the beginning of the end (a diagnosis of Lewy's dementia) for my brother was his problems on the phone. We would be talking away and all of a sudden he would be gone. He had hung up. Stopped hearing me. Thought phone broken and phone company kept telling me "It is fine!" Then a letter addressed wrong popping back. Right name, street, wrong city--his OWN city. And I wondered "What's up." He just was not thinking straight. It came to a head about 6 months later.
I think you are looking to the time that an aid isn't enough if your mom currently is living alone. And there will have to be some decisions.
I sure do wish you good luck.
So you do one of several things.
You wait. You wait until something happens. When she is taken to the hospital (and you must take her to the hospital) you tell the medical staff that she is not safe at home. If you can not care for her you say that as well.
No one wants to live in a facility but your mom has no other choice unless she is going to have 24/7 caregivers not just a few hours a week but 24/7. Or another family members moves her into their house or they move in with her. (neither a great option in most cases)
As for communication.
If she has Alexa or other device she can simply say "Alexa call RunningonFumes" and a call will be placed to you.
It will not make a 911 call so if she needed to call 911 she would have to do that on her phone or call you or other family to call 911. (a bit of a round about way but I think in many cases a person calls a loved one before they call 911 anyway)
One day she stood in front of her kitchen tap with a drinking glass in her hand. She started to cry because she couldn’t figure out how to get water to go into the glass. He then realized it was serious and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
My mother (narc tendencies, dementia) reported one thing after another was broken. Endless. We were able to get everything to work. She had lost her ability to use things such as her washer, dryer, oven, thermostat, telephone, flashlight, tv remote control, some light switches.... I ultimately put stickers on things with directions broken down into numbered steps. That worked for a few weeks or months, then she couldn’t process that information anymore. Example: She’d set down her landline ear/mouth piece on the table next to the base instead of hanging it up. She’d argue up and down that something was broken or had been replaced with an identical item that was operated differently. To this day she swears she has no cognitive deficits.
If there is refusal &/or lack of insight, it often takes an actual crises to get professional advice & intervention. This then starts the new pathway.. to change.
Scenarios told to me personally by family, friends & neighbours that got their loved one to either local Doctor or ER include;
. Falls for investigation
(one bad fall direct to ER - or several falls in a short space of time). ? blood pressure/blood disorders/neuro/cardiac
. Sudden loss of speech/ability/mobility
? Stroke/other neuro issues
. Sudden behaviour change
? UTI ? Stroke ? Other infection/illnesses
Basically, any NEW change to function. Something worrying enough, something *off* enough to call EMS or present to ER.
Your concerns - as they are now - can be discussed with Mom's Doctor (on your own) too. Ask what the Doctor advises to do in these cases.
Maybe mom is saying every thing is broken because she can't make it work? Doesn't know how to anymore, I guess.
I'm not sure if I'd take her to neuro or not. We only went once for an MRI that didn't really give much info besides "some atrophy". No kidding.
She will hate anywhere you put her, and that's OK. It's about her safety and your sanity.