We saved him. Now he wants our money. All of it. Any recommendations?

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My wife's estranged father had a paralyzing-stroke a year ago. Despite not having a close relationship, we paid hospital and hospice care for the first few months until doctors determined he was not going to make further improvement, and we had to find a permanent hospice for him. We were paying sustainable hospice accommodations (within our means), until suddenly he brought in his ex-lover, and gave her power of attorney and other law capabilities. She now dictates where he stays, the services he takes, controls access to him and is using the local court to try and force us pay for her healthcare choices for him. She is using "discovery" rules to tally my wife's economy, in order to use that information to ask for everything the court can allow her to take in the form of a "Pension for his care."


What are possible protections for this? How can we be held liable to pay for another person's service choices to benefit a patient, and pay monies for treatments and unsustainable accommodations that have been confirmed will have no effect on the patient's condition?

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How I read this, they don't really want the responsibility. They felt they had placed him in a facility within their means. Then he gave POA tova non-relative and she expects them to pay for upgrades. When it comes to Hospice, my daughter. a nurse in NHs, says criteria has changed. You don't have to be dying in six months just what you have u probably will die of. She has had patients on Hospice, in a NH, for over two years. This POA doesn't understand their responsibilities.
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There are a few confusing problems with this thread:

If FIL is incompetent he couldn't have appointed her as POA. If he was deemed competent then she dictates nothing, he is responsible for his own choices.

The way I understand it the only way your wife can be made responsible is through filial responsibility laws if you are in a place where they are enforced. For the most part children are not held financially responsible unless they are very affluent and the parent(s) are indigent.

You keep mentioning "hospice" and then "permanent hospice". Hospice is for those who are at the end of life, hospice facilities are for those who are imminently dying.

Given that you seem resigned to having to pay a "stipend of some sort" you might be financially better off to seek a different attorney, one who is versed in medicaid laws, filial responsibility laws, guardianship (which would put control back in your hands) and is willing to examine the issues that caused the rift between your wife and her father - if he was abusive or failed to support her as a child she is less likely to be seen as owing him anything.
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Children r not respnsible for parents support. I think you have a good case. Why should u pay for an upgrade. If he has no money than he can apply for Medicaid. Which is what his POA should do. Hopefully you have kept records of what you have put out. See if you can get an arbotrater. You can explain your side. the POA hers. Maybe you can say ur willing to pay what you were and no more. POA will just have to work with that.
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NYDaughterInLaw


"Abandonment". We stopped paying when we couldn't control the location and services we paid for. We stopped bringing supplies when nurses told us she ditched them after we left premises. The entire family (that visited him in the hospice alongside us - somewhat forced mind you) just went up in smoke the moment the lover/caregiver sued my wife for money for "better treatments", or clearly a bigger stipend for her to manage to both their benefit.

We used to pay for a private hospice close to us. She ditched it.
The local government family agency helped us find one that would be paid with his SS. She ditched it. She either wants an unrealistic permanent hospice in the $3,000-$5,000+ a month range, or she wants a stipend for whatever reason and take care of him in her own home, in a new form of scam that I would't put past both of them.

This case is in litigation. My wife never did find anything that could be used to defend her finances. And seemingly, neither did the Attorney. We expect to be paying a stipend of some sort soon (If i let it be).

But I refuse to accept this. Thats why I seek to legal clues of potential defenses against this type of attack against caregivers.
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In order for her to use "discovery" she needs to have filed a summons and complaint against your wife. What exactly is she suing you for?
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I'd suggest going to the best elder care attorney you can afford. The one I used charges
$500/hour, but has been worth every penny. They know the law inside and out and can answer your questions quickly. We're in an expensive area so you likely
won't need to spend so much $$. You need to get out in front of this asap, as once
the ball is rolling it's harder to stop. It's cheaper to pay for consultation than litigation
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Babultower, thank you for giving us more information.  At first I thought maybe you were in the U.K. as other countries health care system is different from that of the U.S.
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He never paid health insurance. I don't think he was aproved for Medicare, for age reasons (not old enough? can't remember) He hasn't paid taxes in decades. He hasn't really worked for decades. He receives social security because WE ARRANGED IT, using his ex-wife's SS status using some obscure rule. He's been living life using burrowed moneys, and suing people and companies with his actual caregiver, his ex-lover.

Now she is using her experience to manipulate the law to earn some more free checks.

We have talked with our attorney, but like most "low fee" types you must have already an idea how to defend yourself at the court OR she will just use the worst arguments to make the case a 3 year, no resolution slog. I need to know laws that can help me, or my wife and I might end up having paid thousands of dollars in legal fees for the privilege of handing over the rest to these no-shame scammers.
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Very sorry to hear that your kindness has been repaid with greed instead of gratitude.
You need to seek the advice of a good elder care attorney to protect yourselves legally.
Toxic parents unfortunately become toxic elders and often with their toxic cohorts
will take and take until their caregivers are left with nothing. Consider them to have the
emotional maturity of angry three year olds, coupled with the planning skills of adults.
They know how to use the legal system to their benefit, and no matter how unscrupulous their demands, will always find service providers and agony aunts to shame caregivers into giving their last dime. Remember some providers make their
livings divesting adult children of their income and savings to care for elders in high
style. For example, I once had a nutritionist create a "treatment plan" for my father in
care that cost $9,000/year for nutritional advice and exercises that were already being
provided gratis by his assisted living facility. Needless to say, she was not happy about
my decision to decline her unneeded services. End of life care should be appropriate and provide comfort and dignity to the patient, not provide unnecessary, experimental or luxury treatments at the destructive expense of the patient's family.
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Doesn't your FIL have his own health insurance (Medicare)?
Why would you be paying his hospital bills? If he's indigent, he would qualify for Medicaid (Medi-Cal for California).
Hospice is covered by Medicare.
Have you kept receipts?

You need to talk to an attorney regarding this situation. It will be worth the $200. to get good legal counsel.

What a pair of rats!
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