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We recently moved in with my 83 year old dad. In doing so we found that he was addicted to Loratab and Lunesta. We went through three weeks of hell! He is now just a mean hateful old man. He is rude and bullies us and our children. He doesn't get that we gave up a huge house, with a pool to take care of him. My mom is in a home with Alzheimer's. I don't know if I can do this! I just want to walk away and never look back. Help!

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So sorry! What kind of care does he need? How hard would it be for you to move back out into your own place AND could the gap be filled with a paid caregiver or an assisted living placement for him?? Do NOT allow what has happened to continue , if you lay the cards on the table with him and he ignores you it's time to move on. Can you lay out house rules with him? How cooperative is he?
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Thank you for what you tried to do. It would not have worked for me to live with my mother, at all.
Did he ask you to move in? How did it come about? As you have found out, you either need to hire a lot of help, or run. Taking care of him will adversely effect your health and your family.
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Life isn't meant to be 'Hell". Pls find a caregiver or two and move out. Keep an eye on him daily and be near. You only have one life to live.
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Some of this behavior may be new and some may have existed but you weren't aware of it having lived apart. Also, his living arrangements have changed from being alone to being part of a family with under age children. Even lovely children are a bit of an adjustment for an elderly person. Elderly people don't like change for the most part. He is probably unhappy that his wife is no longer able to live with him and has poor health too.

I would see if his medications are correct and try to reinstate his routine prior to the move in of the family. If he was not a bully all of his life it may be part of the aging process. Many elderly rail against the limitations of old age. Unfortunately, they tend not to realize the effects on others. As we age we tend to see our needs to the exclusion of others.

You may need to move out and get home health aides for his care. Moving him to a NH or an assisted living facility may be difficult if he fights most change.

Good Luck. Caregiving is very difficult and the caregivers are often frustrated.
You are trying to care for the younger children and the elderly which can be
a tall order. Each age group has unrealistic demands and both see things only from their point of view.
Elizabeth
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The loss of freedom for a parent is a huge blow to everything that they ever believed in. It is not unusual for a parent to turn bitter during this time in their lives. It is like the day you get out of college and have to move back into your parents house until you get that first job and are able to move out on your own. It is hard. They are now the child and you are now the parent.

Did you talk to your father before you made this huge change. Older people have a big problem with change. I moved my father in with me when there was not other options for him. It was, for me, not an option to put him in a nursing home, but I had also been preparing him for it for the last year with little 5 minutes talks about his wishes. When the time came, and it out of the blue we had to move fast but it was easier for him because we had those little talks. Your father also had an addition to overcome. I would suggest some counseling for him for most likely what is depression and for you, and for both of you to get some communication going. I know what you are going through is so hard and what I have gone through is so different than what you are going through because my dad accepted moving in with me. I think I am one of the lucky ones. He died peacefully Tuesday morning at 7:30am after living with us for a little over 3 months. I hope you and your father find peace in this most difficult time.
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You don't say that your father has dementia or any mental problems, but perhaps he does. This sounds like what I go through every single day with my mother, who does have dementia. I am seeking help to see if I can find medication to stop or at least calm some of this down and you may have to do the same.

This behavior will take a toll on you, your husband and your children....they do not need to live in a volatile environment.

If your Dad does not have dementia or alzheimer's then, he may just be angry that you have now entered his home, you are changing his schedule and your kids are loud and are running all over the place. My Mom cannot stand it when anyone comes to visit especially with loud running kids, it is upsetting to them and they cannot handle it! My mother has threatened spankings, slaps in the mouth, you name it!

Your father has lost his wife essentially, he realizes he is getting closer to death, and he sees his life slipping away and someone else trying to tell him what to do....he is ticked!

I would honestly check into medication for him. Or see if you can put him in a facility, do not feel guilt, you have tried.
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I have the exact same experience except for the two drugs. My father is 86 and has turned into a mean and hateful old man as well. I started to attend support group meetings to learn that his brain is deteriorating at about 3% a year. I learned how to cope better because I moved from out of state and had no other options. The caregiver and family relationships suffer the most, and a recent article in a newspaper stated that caregivers are often running "a marathon that breaks their spirit, sends them fleeing the house in a rage - and even at their breaking point - causes them to abuse the sufferer whom they love." The article also goes on to say that "Alzheimer's is a disease that loves to ensnare a caretaker whose ordeal can almost match the afflicted person's . . ." It's a life changing experience that forces you to either roll with the punches or find another way out. I wish there were more books published that helped the caregiver with vital information to learn how to cope or warn them or something - but sadly the focus is on the person with the disease and not those that have to deal with it.
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I am absolutely shocked and now dismayed at the overdosing of the elderly on this site.. It's a perfect example of what is being described on CNN and FOX. Physicians will give you anything that you ask for, or complain about.
With the exception of morphine FOR PAIN, I do not see the continuous use of these drugs on elderly persons who show all the signs of dementia and the uncomfortable aging process. Comfort them and let them live until the day comes that they expire.
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This is just my own perspective, everyone has the right to their own opinion.

83 years is a long life. I suspect that it is the rare person who lives much longer than that. I personally don't think that pain pills and sleeping pills should be seen as evil when a person is facing the end of life. In a younger person the risk of addiction that can shorten life or lead to a lower quality of life should be avoided. But for someone who is facing the end of life I would think that the pain associated with the decline of physical and mental vitality could be alleviated with pharmaceuticals without guilt, either guilt of the patient or the caregiver. It seems that insomnia is a common problem for us all as we get older. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture, literally. If the problems suddenly started after the medications were withheld......maybe you could re-think that decision.

Of course, I don't want to see any patient turn into a "zombie" or be medicated so that they can be ignored! Of course, I wouldn't want anybody to overdosed on any medication in any way!

I have been helping to care for my mom a little over a year and I can tell you it only gets harder and harder (for everyone involved.) The patient won't adapt to you and your family's routine. You will all have to adapt to "Planet Alzheimer's" and if soothing pain and inducing sleep helps I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.
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You have to deal with the addiction first before you can deal with the dementia. There are psychiatric facilities than can help him wean off the medications. Addicts of any age are mean and unpredictable. However, you need to have medications withdrawn in a safe way. As well as adding appropriate medication for sleep and anxiety. Then you can determine the mental health and safety needs of all concerned.
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