Over the past year or 2, it has become increasingly clear that my 84-year-old mother has dementia. Basically she is showing all of the classic Alzheimer's signs, and I would put her at the beginning of Stage 4 in the 7 stage Global Dementia Scale. Her parents both had Alzheimer's, so this is not really shocking. (And also does not bode well for my future....)
Since late summer, my brother and I had been talking about reaching out to her doctor, whom she sees every 6 months, to discuss our concerns. She has an appointment coming up next week, and we wanted to see if he would administer a screening test.
However-- my father passed away one month ago and Mom is still in the throes of grief. She is quite fragile emotionally and suffers from anxiety. My brother is concerned that if we pursue this diagnosis right now, it will be too much for her to handle. By the way, she has acknowledged her memory issues, but blames them 100% on stress and grief.
Another note, about 9 years ago this same doctor gave my father a cognitive test and referred him to a neurologist, and my father refused to go. I am pretty sure my mother would do the same.
With that in mind, we are not sure what the point of bringing it up to her doctor is, and if the stress and devastation it would cause her at this time is worth it. Should we just keep doing what we are doing to care for her and hold off until her next appointment 6 months from now? What is the danger of waiting? What is the importance of not waiting?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and about the loss of your father.
My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.
Right down what you have seen. Take it with you to the doctors and ask that he/she reads it before asking Mom any questions.
Further, you may need to move your Mom along now concerning drafting legal documents (POA, Healthcare Proxy, will or trust). She may be more willing to do this, if she has an actual diagnosis and understands time is of essence.
Doing nothing when you Mom is facing a horrible disease that robs her of her memory and could actually last 10 or more years is not helpful. She could be on medication to help her and in 6 months without meds she be could a lot worse. It may also be negligent and a violation of the healthcare proxy's fiduciary duty if they are not following through with medical care for your Mom should she want to see someone. You should speak with elder lawyer before not taking her to a doctor. Once you start down the path of holding healthcare proxies and powers of attorney, you now have a fiduciary duty and must act in good faith.
I know that this is all challenging. Reach out to neurologist (it may take 6 months to a year to get an appointment), a social worker, gerontologist, and elder lawyer to address these issues. It takes time to set up these appointments and organize everything. Your mom is likely scared to too. Do not be fooled. If she has early stages of dementia, she knows that something is not right and it may be too scary to face it.
Last, my condolences concerning your Dad. It is very difficult to manage all of this while everyone is dealing with grief. Dementia has a way of accelerating at times for the patient, including times of grief and isolation, so you are good kids to be asking these questions.
Just say to your Mom, "We love you and want to support you so that you have the best care possible and that you will be by her side."
You might say something like check blood pressure or something that won't feel too overwhelming to her. She has dementia. She likely won't compute whatever you tell her so make it sound calming / easy / supportive.
In addition, since she has dementia:
Consider why you want her tested.
Consider why you do not want her tested?
She most likely will be overwhelmed no matter what you do. She has dementia. The goal - your job - is to keep her as calm as possible.
You never talk 'logic' to a person with dementia.
Their brain / cognitive functioning cannot process it.
You tell them what will keep them calm (as possible).
And you smile, hug her, show her you love her.
She is confused, overwhelmed, confused, hurting.
Got volunteers in / others to be with her 24/7 (as is possible).
She may / may not know these people although there is comfort in her knowing she isn't alone, even if she cannot voice that.
I personally would ALWAYS ask for MD assessment.
If you feel it could support you, hire a medical social worker.
Perhaps with diaognosis, medication could help (I don't know)\
Consider massage. You can do (gentle feet or hand massage, head, shoulders) - or hire a professional. The key is connection, gentle touch.
I am a massage therapist.
Gena / Touch Matters