We just placed my father into an assisted living facility. He is being promiscuous with another resident. How can I get him to stop?

I was OK w/my late husband holding hands w/a female resident while they watched TV, movies, or sang songs with a group in the activity room. This was a nursing home where all residents had a form of Alzheimer's or another form of dementia. If it had progressed any further, I would have contacted the medical director (who had been his personal neurologist before my husband entered the facility), the nursing home's director of nursing, and the nursing home's administrator and begged them to stop it. Only about 30% of the residents (including him) were 100% private-pay; the rest were at partially dependent on Medicaid. That would have given me some clout. If they weren't responsive and I actually found out he was having sex w/another resident, I would have strongly considered divorcing him. Adultery is against our religion, That wouldn't mean that I wouldn't continue to monitor his care or helped manage his finances, though. I couldn't bear unfaithfulness, no matter what the reason. If both residents are single, perhaps it depends on their religious or ethical beliefs and whether one was able to pay for a private room so no one else can see the hanky-panky.

Things like this are one reason why STD's can spread through long-term care centers.

Dylan:

Have you reached out or spoke with the family of the other person involved in the affair? Unfortunately it is part of the disease, their inhibitions goes out the window, I had the same situation with my father as you are going through. I asked the director to reach out to the family to arrange a call with me. The family did contact me and we agreed there was no harm no foul.
In theory if the other family agrees that it is OK and you are OK with it; there are no problems and the AL should not interfere; if consentual among the 2 families and the other resident.
Keep it in mind that once they move into memory care more of their inhibitions might go away as well. It is not uncommon to see residents strolling around the hallways unclothed, with staff chasing them down to get them dressed again, I have seen it many times in very reputable and well managed memory care facilities.
From being the sole guardian/conservator for my father this past 5 years now I can tell you, it has been a learning experience and an emotional roller coaster not for the faint at heart.

Best wishes

There is nothing you can say to him that he will remember or that will make sense to him. He started a romance. That sounds like a positive thing in his life.
I'm not sure why the care facility does not allow this.
Perhaps you can find another assisted living where residents are free to live their lives and socialize and even begin romantic relationships with whomever they choose.
If his (or his romantic partner's) dementia is to a point where they are not able to make reasonable decisions, this would indeed be inappropriate behavior and could be considered sexual harrassment.
As Freqflyer pointed out, perhaps Dad belongs in a Memory Care facility.

Talk with his physician about his hypersexual behavior. It is common. They can prescribe medication for him, especially if you tell the doc that he may get kicked out of the facility he is in.

You are correct...talking to your father will not work because of the dementia. Talk with is doctor instead.

Don't. As long as it's consensual.

I want to apologize first if my post below offends you. If your dad is well-off, can you not keep him at home with 24 hr care?

Just what in the hell does the facility expect the family to do about it?

Awful, that anyone needs to interfere.

Well if he has dementia so badly that he had to be put into care, he will not remember that he isn't supposed to be having a romance with another resident. He cannot give sexual consent one way or another and neither can his "girlfriend" if she has dementia. So warning him and telling him will do nothing.

His girlfriend will have to be moved to a different area or he will have to be. Or he'll have to be medicated to supress any sexual urges. Or he's past the care AL provides and now needs to be in memory care.

There's really nothing you can say to him about it. Move him to memory care if he needs that level of care and make something up about why he's leaving the AL. Tell him that they're closing and all the resident have to move.

You will not be able to tell him anything that he will remember or do. My daddy would talk to me about his sex life and YIKES! I had to tell him to stop each time. He did not remember - he couldn't - he had ALZ. After he was given his ALZ medication he did stop. So my suggestion is to talk to his doctor and get some meds for him. You really don't want to leave a great facility.

Leave them be. They are adults. Enjoying their time.
Is it against the rules?

Sandra Day O Connor walked in on her husband holding another lady’s hand. She just picked up the other one. Was there likely sexual stuff going on with the other woman? It likely crossed the justices mind. Was it relevant, not particularly.
I would ask the facility if they have seen courtship behavior. Do they eat together? Go to activities together? If so, let them be.

I didn't find a good US or Canandian website that covers sexual consent with dementia.

Your local Dementia Organisation may have something? Be good to see what the ethical standards are where you live.

I found a couple of good references for sexual concert matters with dementia from UK & Australia. I'd guess these may be more influenced by Europe, as Netherlands & other countries are leading the way with dementia-friendly communities & dementia care.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/sex-consent-dementia

"The most important part of sex and intimacy is consent. A diagnosis of dementia does not mean that someone automatically lacks the ability to consent to sex and intimacy. However, they may have the mental capacity to engage in sex at some times, and lack it at others. Both partners must consent to sexual activity".

https://www.verywellhealth.com/should-people-with-dementia-have-sex-4156679

This sites covers ethical considerations.

Certainly it is an important issue.

I support freedom & human rights. Sexual needs are part of our basic needs - but safety from sexual abuse needs to be taken very very seriously.

I had a client that had dementia, but he was in denial about his condition. I spent three days with this person and couldn't take the sexual advances any longer. This gentleman refused to put on his underwear and clothing and paraded around me without any clothes on except for a bathrobe. You can expect anything in this line of work. The office knew about how he was with his female aides but failed to tell me what type of situation I was walking into at the time. On that third day, I was showering him and he started in with his usual sexual talk and I changed the subject. He even went as far to ask my bra size and got mad when I didn't answer him.

He was dressed this time and called me into the bedroom trying to get touchy feely. I left him alone to go make a phone call to the office. I was told to leave. He looked sad, and I sort of felt sorry for him, but I didn't know how far he would have taken his advances. You can't just smack a client, so I had to excuse myself carefully. I felt dirty and violated. The agency tried to give me another client they couldn't keep staffed, and I was like no way! All it takes is one time for something like this to happen to me and I refused to go back to work for them. If they couldn't protect their home health aides in these types of situations, why should I work for them.

I've never experienced anything like this before. I had all elderly people back in the eighties, but nothing to this extreme. When I got back to the office, I found out that I was the third aide he did this to. I told the manager do not send anymore women into that household! Yes, he needed help and that they needed to send a male aide instead of a female. Even though this man was early dementia, he still had enough cognition to recognize that he was wrong.

Unfortunately, this type of scenario goes on in nursing homes and even though they refer to it as consensual between two residents, I have a problem with this. Dementia clients and elderly people are there to be helped in these places. However, sexual encounters do happen in these places, and I was taught in training if someone is enjoying a bit of intimacy to close the door if they were both enjoying the encounter.

However, this is not consensual if it involves two residents that are in cognitive decline. Hypersexuality is a symptom of this illness.

If it were my father I’d be asking his doctor about meds to decrease the desire. Rather have dad docile than kicked out of a good place

My mom was like that. We allowed both to share an appartment. It works OK with 2 families approving but if you want or need to reduce his libido then you need a geriatric psych visit and trial and error meds

The man has dementia as do the other residents. They facility needs to put a stop to it ASAP. This is not consensual sex. These residents with dementia are not capable of consent. The facility should be charged for allowing this to happen.

It is not OK for demented people locked in facilities that have no memory of the last day or hour to be allowed to have sex. It is plain wrong.

I am curious how much dementia there is involved in either your Dad or his lady friend?
You say this is ALF. It may be that memory care is needed for one of them?
This is a medical issue if your father is suffering from dementia. There can be hyperactivity of a sexual nature for many patients. Medication can help.

The facility itself has some responsibility when this is memory care, to know what is happening. And I am assuming that they "know" that the "lady friend" is not the one initiating this activity.

There are many facilities where couple become convinced they are spouses while visiting REAL spouses are relegated to "That nice person who comes see me". This isn't unusual. I would speak with admins about what they have done in similar circumstances to keep things safe.

You don't tell us a whole lot about the mental capacity of your dad or his lady friend. I must tell you that my son in law's mom is in ALF and has recently "moved in with" her boyfriend there. This is in AZ. The couple has traveled together, and been great companions for some few years, and they have decided they can cut costs by sharing a one bedroom place. No one is demanding a marriage certificate.

Sorry, but she may have initiated it, not him. A woman at Moms AL latched onto ever new man that came in. The sexual urges heighten with Dementia in both sexes. I would ask the Director, what does he/she think you can do. He has Dementia so cannot be reasoned with.

My daughter had two residents that thought they were married and you could not separate them. Each had a spouse who visited. She even walked in on a couple having hanky panky and walked out.

This post will start a string of replies one being why do they not separate the men from the women. Good question. Another they have Dementia they can't consent. True. But it does happen and the facility should know how to handle it.

I do not understand why he would need to be removed if the relationship is consensual. Assited living is not prison. Why can't your father and the partner of his choice enjoy themselves? Seems like you are horrified over your father having sex.

Shawdogpro, your Dad really needs to be in Memory Care and not Assisted Living. With Memory Care the staff knows what to do in any type of situation that comes along with a resident that has dementia.

Please remember, with dementia the brain is broken. Like you said, your Dad won't remember your conversation with him on that subject, or any subject.

Can you speak to his doctor about going on meds?

Your Dad being the new man in town will be highly popular!

When the shock wears off.. check in again with staff. Strong attachments can form between residents, opposite or same sex. Romantically minded or platonic. Concent is a moving target though... Staff have to be on their toes to ensure any intimacy IS consential, that day, that time.

When volunteering in a medium level care home, I saw a sweet couple. Would watch old movies together in the afternoons, holding hands on the sofa. I asked staff how long they had been married. Staff informed me both their actual spouses lived 'outside' & these love birds got together in the care home! Both spouses came to accept this, still visited but staff had to 'socially engineer' things to ensure paths didn't cross.

See what this is. A one-off. A new romance that both agree to. Maybe it was a man-crazed lady who took a liking to him. But if he is harrassing all the ladies, a visit to the Doctor to discuss medication is often suggested.