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She has dementia and lots of health issues that have caused her to decline more rapidly over the past year. She can hardly get around. She struggles with the walker and doesn't have much strength to use her wheelchair but she manages. She has gotten to the point where she just can't take care of herself, struggling to dress herself and do even simple tasks. On top of this she is incontinent and has trouble sometimes controlling her bowels and often can't get to the bathroom soon enough. My dad has been taking care of her for years but now his health has become an issue as he has had 3 strokes and has gotten a lot weaker himself. He simply can't give her the care she needs. We are thinking this most likely will turn into a long-term stay at this nursing home - she appears to be past assisted living. I'm afraid if we bring her home for Christmas she will refuse to go back. To make matters worse, for decades mom has exhibited signs of having Borderline Personality Disorder which causes her to be very abusive to my dad. We are all overwhelmed by this and trying to help her settle in but she is adamant about coming home. Sorry for the long post. Any advice is appreciated on how to convince her to stay at the nursing facility and let us come to her for Christmas.

I"m sorry you're in this difficult situation. My suggestion is that you say "no, but" or "no, and" to your mom about coming home for Christmas: "No, but we'll be coming to see you at Christmas" or "No, and we'll be coming to see you at Christmas." It seems from the information you provided that your mom cannot transport herself from the nursing home to anywhere, so you should be able to avoid her showing up at the front door unexpectedly.

If it helps give you resolve, reframe this from "we're not doing what Mom wants" to "we're going to do what is necessary to keep Dad safe."
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
Exactly! That is what I am trying to do: protect my dad and also provide the care my mom needs. Thank you!
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AMINOR01, when my Dad was placed in senior living, I decided not be bring him to my house for dinner or the holidays. I wanted him to get use to being at senior living, plus the facility had Christmas day where family/friends could join their love ones for holiday lunch or dinner.


The above worked out great, as Dad was ready for a nap soon after filling up with lunch. So he was glad to get back to his apartment within the facilities. Then we visited him later in the day.
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
Thank you! I am hoping to do something similar at the nursing facility for her.
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Given all you have said, coming home for Christmas would be at best a risky option. I think that your Mom should stay where she is, and the family should make a visit as nice as you can for 2-3 hours IF she is made happy by that (if she is made UNhappy she should know that you all will be leaving).

This back and forth is confusing and anger-invoking in the beginning of adapting to this change. Everyone needs to be calm, gentle, empathetic with her mourning all this, but she should be told that her being home is not sustainable now for ANYBODY and especially for her hubby. She should refrain from arguing, and if this is something she insists on doing she should know that you will all leave, and return when she's feeling a bit better.

You aren't responsible for her happiness, and truly it is unlikely that happiness is on the menu now for either of your parents. Make is as good as you are able. I am so sorry.
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
Thank you for your kind words. It IS confusing and anger-invoking as you describe. Sadly, I think you are right: happiness is not really an option for either of them right now. We will do our best to muddle through. It won't be perfect, but hopefully after the holidays, both of them will be able to settle into this new normal.
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Tell her that her doctor won't allow her to come home for Christmas. She isn't strong enough yet, etc. etc. Then - there's no more discussion. Change the subject, say you have to leave, tell her whatever you have to. Also, it's time to decide among the family that she isn't making the rules anymore. Period. You don't have to discuss that with her - probably no need - but her ADAMANT ideas mean nothing. Let her talk, get mad, whatever. I'm so sorry, but when we get to the point where we can't take care of ourselves, we have to let someone else drive the bus. Of course mom doesn't like it! But unfortunately, that's the way life is.

I hope you find peaceful moments with mom over the holidays - at the facility, not in anyone's home.
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
Thank you for your kind words...and the excellent advice. I feel like the family meeting is a good idea. I will set that up with my sisters and my dad.
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“ Sorry Mom , due to the level of care you need , coming home for Christmas will not be possible . What would you like us to bring you for dinner ?”

You don’t convince her to stay . She can’t get back home on her own steam .
You don’t have to grant her wish by helping her get home . Learn the word “ No” . You leave if she is persistent . Say you have an errand to run . As already said Mom isn’t driving the bus anymore . You are in control of what you do . She can not order you to bring her home .

Mom has dementia , you can not reason with her . She will refuse to go back to the facility if you bring her home . I never took my mother out in my car once I got her through those doors . She would have refused to get out of the car again .
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
That is exactly what I am afraid of! Thank you for validating what I believe to be true.
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Bring Christmas to your mom in her new facility. All facilities have rooms that families can request to use for special occasions. And don't worry if it can't be on the actual day, Christmas can be celebrated anytime.
And you don't "convince" her, you just tell her that that's how it's going to be whether she likes it or not, as she's no longer in charge.
And definitely DO NOT bring your mom back home ever. She's in her home now.
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
Thank you! I don't want to bring her back. But Dad is struggling with it. He feels sorry for her. But I just don't think it's a good idea. She knows how to manipulate him and it is awful to watch.
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My 93 year old aunt is in an excellent care home in the UK. The last time I took her out was to the hospital for an eye appointment in May. It was a nightmare because she is becoming incontinent but demands the toilet. Even in a disabled toilet I could not manoeuvre her properly because she can no longer stand even for a few seconds. We got her back but she was wet and so was my car seat.

Regrettably you cannot manage someone who is incontinent, even if they are wearing any diapers or protection. The carers are trained and have the right equipment, you may not be nor do you have the kit in your home. This is not being cruel, it is reality.
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What she wants and what is best for her and everyone else are two different things.

You don't try and convince her, you just say No this will not work.

She can't force you or anyone to fold to her whims.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Tell she and dad both that she’s not medically released to come home. Speak to the nursing home staff about backing you up on this, or at least not contradicting it. Make Christmas at the nursing home. Relentlessly Change the subject every time she starts about coming home, accept no guilt for her aging or medical status. Consider if she might need a med to calm her abusive tending behaviors.
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AMINOR01 Dec 7, 2025
Thank you. I am doing these things - speaking with the nursing home staff, and trying to change the subject when she gets combative. She is already on so many medications, more than I can count. Some are anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and pain meds for her physical ailments. All these on top of everything else she takes...thyroid, blood pressure, stuff for her diverticulitis, the list is very long. It is overwhelming just keeping up with all her meds. My dad has been managing it but it is getting hard for him.
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It becomes what she needs, not want she wants. The doctor not clearing her to go home is a good excuse and probably the truth.

I wish I could show you what my daughter and the staff are doing at the Nursing Home she works at, the Grinch. My daughter in her own right is an artist. Last year the did A Christmas Story. There will be a Christmas Dinner at the NH. You may be able to join in.
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