One solution is to hire two to three caregivers and rotate them. Mom has one person who does shopping and errands and another who does personal care. That way, no one becomes too entrenched in your family's business. I removed any financial papers and anything of value in my Mom's home (the owner of the agency actually suggested this...I thought it was a great idea). I also had a talk with Mom about mentioning personal or financial things to "strangers" (just like she told me when I was little). I told her that if any of these helpers got too personal or wanted financial information, to let me know. Another thing that was helpful, is using an agency that hires its workers locally. This agency also hires more mature caregivers and most have been nurses. So far, we haven't had any problems.
I tell you what there are a whole bunch of woman out there whose main ambition in life is to hook up with a elderly person,around here the nursing homes are full of them.They pay low wages,require no skills,no drug tests,no criminal back ground ck, they are so desperate for help will hire anyone,same problem with daycare.in alot of cases the people takin care of children and the elderly are the lowest form of life.I imagine its like the school system the wealther the area the better and more responsible the facility. The girls that use to make money off of men in bars using there looks are middleaged and working the nursing homes now instead of the bar scene,I see it all of the time,know some of them personally,its how those girls make a living now.Older people in alot of cases are starving for attention,someone comes in an pretends to care as they wipe them out of belongings and assets. This is another reason why families should work as a family unit instead of dumping everything on one.The month or so I wasn't around my dad every single day ,when JEFF was dying,I came into the house to find a drunken man keeping house for my dad.He had a criminal history a mile long.He had keys to everything,access to everything.My brother who was busy trying to get votes for DA was letting this happened. Along with money,coins,silverware,tools,antiques-15 cows were gone-price on cows was up that year-alot of people in town knew this guy was taken my dad to the cleaners,instead of anyone being concerned it just brought in more preditors.Thats when I cleaned house of the riff-raff and pretty much rode shotgun.You would have thought my brothers would have thought enough of there dad to stop it-but nooo it had to be a girl to run off drunks,drug addicts and criminals.My brother was to busy in politics trying to convince people he's something he wasn't to get elected. Now my brothers are trying to take the land from me and accuse me of all those missing items and the court system lets it happen,but with what I know of politicians,I'M NOT SURPRISED. Just because you live in a Mansion does not mean you have any class about yourself.that is why I don't like the term upper-class and lower-class.Money has nothing to do with class or nobility.People have money or not -has nothing to do with class.My rich brothers are no different than the drunken thief I kicked off of the property,My brother who is into the politics of TENN. should be held to higher standards as all of our politicians and leaders should.Tenn. is not the only place with a good-ole boys club,it is universal.The guy at the newspaper told me most change for the good happens when a bunch of angry women band together to force the issue,if all of the lone caregivers on this site wrote letters about the deadbeat sibling issue,maybe change could accur,would not help us, but maybe it could help someone down the road.
Last night on our local news there was a story about a elderly widower who got hooked up with a woman who travels this area of the country in a group of gypsies (sorry, just repeating the story). He was lonely and flattered by the attention. She stole at least 50K from him and only because he was about to lose his house did he tell his daughters. The daughters are making it their mission to get this woman behind bars. Their dad passed away a few months ago. How heartbreaking that his last months were spent in anguish. The police know of at least one other man who was targeted by the same woman. It'spitiful that lonliness in one person and greed in another can cause so may problems.
My father gives his female "friend" money all the time when he barely has enough money to live off of. IT SICKENS ME, but I was told there is nothing we can do. It definitely should be illegal to take advantage of an elderly person's affections, but there are some low life people who don't seem to care. They will have to live with themselves and answer to their maker someday. I feel bad for you also.
gbeaty, When your mom was in the process of dying, your dad and this woman formed a common bond. I totally get that part, what raises the red flag for everybody is, that it goes beyond the 'bond' and starts into the money aspect. If money were to be left out, but she still dropped by and chatted with him, then there wouldn't be as much as a problem I would imagine. But start talking about greedy care givers that take advantage of old people, that's another story. I would talk to dad and tell him that having a true friend doesn't depend upon giving out money. Down deep he will agree with you, because he knows that you can't buy friendship. We all know that. If I had been the one taking care of someone lonely and old, and they wanted to give me money, the first thing I would've done is contact the family and tell them. If the family agreed to it, then all is well, but they certainly should have been given that option, and kept in the loop. It's the stuff that goes on behind a family's back that is not good. Dad is just lonely and likes having a woman around, that part is normal I guess. But you are still going to have to protect his thinking about finances till he 'gets his sea legs' again.
Whew. Ok, unless this "caregiver" is giving care to your father, then there is no need for her services anymore. Your mother is deceased. Call the agency and tell them that her services are no longer needed. End of discussion. N1K2R3
I would tell him and this caregiver if he has to go on medicaide within 5 years she will have to pay the money back and I would also see an elder lawyer charged to your Dad to get his or her advice probably one letter will do the trick-my husbands union did not want to give me half of his pension even though he got 35 thousand dollers less after he retired so if he died I would get half and after 5 months of playing games one letter from the lawyer changed things in a matter of days.
maraljake, your dad really gets around! At least you got rid of problem #1 and I'm glad her boss listened to you. I would've gone to Daisy's boss except I know he was involved to some extent. Our parents can sure get involved in some crazy situations, can't they?
I responded once regarding this issue w/Dad who kept an ongoing relationship with an employee at a nursing home who helped Dad change my sick mom's soiled diapers on occasion. When mom passed, Dad "lent" her $2,000 which I found out after reading his bank statement. I had her pay him back with money orders but she never paid the full amount. Then Dad told me she wanted to move into his house w/her husband and daughter and she also asked for him to sign for a car loan. He did not (not that I know of) but he kept insinuating that they were having a sexual relationship (she's half his age) They were have secret meetings at the local Walmart and at her home. After almost 2 years of I reported this to her boss who after repeated complaints intervened and threatened her job. Dad was devastated, but he's over it now. Now he's talking about getting married with someone we don't even know! We just can't win!
gbeaty, If your dad is of sound mind, there's little you can do. If you want to pursue it, make sure you have all your facts straight. Go to the agency and lay it on the table. And good luck. In my situtation, I called an agency, "Daisy" came over, mom liked her right off, I was pleased that mom was happy and life was grand. Daisy took mom to doc, store, lunch.They became friends with Daisy taking mom along on all her errands, parties at the agency owner's home,day trips. Stuff mom never told me until she slipped up months later. To make a long story short, mom didn't think I and my adult kids gave her enough freedom, we asked her to watch her spending, we didn't hop to every time she snapped,etc. Several months ago, my son/I had our POAs revoked, were disowned, written out of the will and so on. My lawyer said if I wanted to persue any charges, I'd have to prove them, but all I had to go on was "gut feeling".(Plus it'd cost a fortune to hire a PI on the owner/Daisy. They are slick, never letting me see anything.) Yeh, my gut feeling is Daisy is a gold digger and mom supplied the gold mine. She is my age, has now become mom's new daughter. I wish I could say mom has dementia, she does not. Mom is not guiltless, she chose Daisy. Mom is sneaky, she got great pleasure in doing this to me and my kids. No matter what we did, it wasn't enough so she decided to get even. I just pray for my mother. That's about all I can do with her.
gbeaty There are a couple of red flags in your question. 1) If the hired caregiver came through an Agency then she is definitely violating some agreement she must have had with that Agency regarding professional behavior and ethics. Your father should never have been encouraged in this relationship by the caregiver regardless of how HE feels about her. There are a lot of similar stories out there and most all of them turn out bad. This gives a bad name to the Agency and that is why such behavior is strongly discouraged. 2) There is no reason for your dad to continue "giving her money" if her caregiver services are no longer needed. She should be moving on to her next client. ( if your mom left a specific request in her Will for this, then that is a different story. But even then it should be a one-time event and not a regular payout.) 3) If your parents were poor enough to qualify for medicaid assistance that paid for the home care provider would this person still hang with with your father? (yes I refer to gold digging in case you don't get my drift)
I feel if your Dad is of sound mind-and he wants to give money to the caregiver-then by all means let him do so-however it may be a good idea to discuss this matter with him to learn the reasoning behind all of this. If you found this caregiver thru an agency-and feel she is taking advantage of matters-I would contact the agency. Good luck with resoving this issue~ Hap
Another thing that was helpful, is using an agency that hires its workers locally. This agency also hires more mature caregivers and most have been nurses. So far, we haven't had any problems.
Call the agency and tell them that her services are no longer needed.
End of discussion.
N1K2R3
If your dad is of sound mind, there's little you can do. If you want to pursue it, make sure you have all your facts straight. Go to the agency and lay it on the table. And good luck.
In my situtation, I called an agency, "Daisy" came over, mom liked her right off, I was pleased that mom was happy and life was grand. Daisy took mom to doc, store, lunch.They became friends with Daisy taking mom along on all her errands, parties at the agency owner's home,day trips. Stuff mom never told me until she slipped up months later. To make a long story short, mom didn't think I and my adult kids gave her enough freedom, we asked her to watch her spending, we didn't hop to every time she snapped,etc. Several months ago, my son/I had our POAs revoked, were disowned, written out of the will and so on. My lawyer said if I wanted to persue any charges, I'd have to prove them, but all I had to go on was "gut feeling".(Plus it'd cost a fortune to hire a PI on the owner/Daisy. They are slick, never letting me see anything.) Yeh, my gut feeling is Daisy is a gold digger and mom supplied the gold mine. She is my age, has now become mom's new daughter. I wish I could say mom has dementia, she does not. Mom is not guiltless, she chose Daisy. Mom is sneaky, she got great pleasure in doing this to me and my kids. No matter what we did, it wasn't enough so she decided to get even. I just pray for my mother. That's about all I can do with her.
There are a couple of red flags in your question.
1) If the hired caregiver came through an Agency then she is definitely violating some agreement she must have had with that Agency regarding professional behavior and ethics. Your father should never have been encouraged in this relationship by the caregiver regardless of how HE feels about her. There are a lot of similar stories out there and most all of them turn out bad. This gives a bad name to the Agency and that is why such behavior is strongly discouraged.
2) There is no reason for your dad to continue "giving her money" if her caregiver services are no longer needed. She should be moving on to her next client. ( if your mom left a specific request in her Will for this, then that is a different story. But even then it should be a one-time event and not a regular payout.)
3) If your parents were poor enough to qualify for medicaid assistance that paid for the home care provider would this person still hang with with your father? (yes I refer to gold digging in case you don't get my drift)
Good luck with resoving this issue~
Hap