Mom/dad both 88-years-old and living at home. Mom has dementia. She will fight in-home care. Dad is currently her primary caregiver and he is mentally exhausted. Three of us (sons) live within 10 minutes of their house and do whatever we can. Checking in, paying bills, getting prescriptions filled, etc. He has to take mom to the bathroom 2-4 times a night (which means he doesnt sleep well). Our goal is to give dad time to get groceries, gas or whatever without having to take her along. Any suggestions?
With Mom being 88 with dementia, it's not about what Mom "wants" but what they both "NEED", especially your Dad. Your Mom having dementia doesn't give her the right to control everything that she may have done before. She apparently doesn't care about (or is aware of) the level of work and stress she has put your Dad under?
Two Seniors struggling at home at 88, with your Dad doing all the hands-on care? He won't make it much longer at this rate. Especially if Mom cannot be left alone?
Your "goal" is to give Dad spare time alone, to run errands? How much longer do you think he can drive safely? I take it Dad is doing the cooking, dishes, cleaning laundry and everything else? I can bet Mom won't allow a housekeeper in either.
What if Dad goes first, then what happens to Mom? She won't be able to live at home alone safely, and will have no choice but be put in a facility.
The most important things here are probably finances and what changes Dad is willing to make - neither of which may figure in the interview. Adequate in-home care (even if M accepts it) is staggeringly expensive, so the finances are key. Dad’s view will call the shots.
This situation will eventually fall over, and sometimes you have to wait for that to happen. The more you prop up an unworkable situation, the longer it takes to fall over. Be ready with workable options for when that happens. And remember, things will only get worse.
What to do? What therapeutic fib could we tell Mom so she and Dad would move to senior living (Dad would be packed in a NY minute)? What would Mom believe? We came up blank.
As for groceries, I started doing on-line grocery shopping at Mom's favorite grocery store. That was a Godsend as grocery shopping, when one is a senior (which I was), can be exhausting. An employee did the shopping and all I needed to do was drive up to the curb. I kept Mom's grocery list on file with the software.
My Mom was a fall risk, so I just had to wait until she had a serious fall, where she was send to a hospital, then to a nursing home, and that is where she remained until she passed. During that time I got caregivers for my Dad, then later Dad sold his house and moved into senior living.
If mom fights in home care, she needs to be placed in Memory Care Assisted Living so dad doesn't predecease her, God forbid. He can visit daily and sleep in peace every night.
Dementia requires a team of caregivers, not one exhausted and burned out man of 88 who's responsible for all of it.
Best of luck to you.