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Hello! My mother and I have a complicated situation. She’s 75, I’m in my mid 20s, and my family and I believe she has early frontotemporal dementia. My grandfather (her father) passed away from Lewy Body dementia, so the family has done a good bit of research on different dementias, however my mother has been living overseas and hasn’t been able to be checked. She recently made the decision to move back to the States due to poor finances. She has a mountain of debt, and a spending addiction that continues to get worse; I am also her POA. She is moving in with me for a month, but will need to find housing, she has no money saved (spent all her money) and only has Social Security as income. She may qualify for subsidized housing, however she won’t like it. I am not in a position to financially support her as I am currently unemployed and looking for work, and also do not have the space for her long term. We are also not on good terms due to her behavioral changes and toxic behavior towards me. The worse it gets, the harder it is on me to handle, and also due to her financial situation, she has constantly made her finances worse despite family efforts to sway her in the right direction. Now she is hoping we will clean up the mess she has made or support her which none of us can afford to do. I am wondering what sort of resources I should look into for living help? Most subsidized housing is currently full as are wait lists. She cannot afford assisted living either, which would be the best place for her right now. Any other advice on how to potentially handle the living situation would be grateful. I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do.

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No no no,, do not let her move in! From what I can see here, you will never get her out again! She Is hoping you "will clean up the mess she has made or support her" and so she has no intention of moving out,, you must know this!
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I too am very concerned that moving a person with "toxic behavior," a spending problem, and who can't afford their own place into your home is a bad idea. The obvious default is that she can stay with you for free until she can find something better. All too easily, that "free rent" also includes utilities, groceries, transportation, ...."

So, if you must, give her a week free visit, and then at least charge rent (couch surfers in my area pay about half of what someone in a bedroom does), a fair share of utilities (two people in the house, each pay half), and groceries.

Use that week well. You need to get her evaluated for dementia. You need POA for money matters and healthcare, either because of dementia or her other psychological issues. You need them while she is still a guest, not a tenant. Do your homework on appointments and paperwork before she gets here. If she still has any room on her credit cards, the medical evaluations can go on there if they won't bill her later while medicaid pending.

If you rent, does your lease allow for long term guests? Having her stay for a month is likely to give her "tenant's rights" so you (or your landlord) can't get her out without evicting her. This might be a good excuse to decrease the time you host her or encourage other family members to take turns.

I wish you well.
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I'm sorry to say I see situation where mom will be with you much longer than the time you want her to be with you. You say she will be with you for a month? What is going to happen when you can't find a place or mom doesn't want to go to any of the places you do find? You won't be able to just kick her out at that point, and you will eventually be her caregiver if she does have dementia. You will be responsible for her, and it is going to take most of your time and energy and severely affect your ability to work and earn money for yourself. I know you feel you sort of have to take her in because she is you mother, but I fear once you do, you will be in a situation you can't get out of. I would suggest not having her move in with you, but instead help her locate affordable (as affordable as can be) rentals near you, and connect her with local social services that can help her with any subsidies or community Medicaid available based on her income.
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If she can't work at all, she'll need to go on medicaid, so it will be good to get the application started. A few care facilities take medicaid. You might begin a search, since if she does have dementia she will eventually have to go there anyway. You are very young to have to deal with this. Call on any agencies in your area that will help you search for elder facilities or group homes. And don't allow her to get too comfortable in your home when she arrives. Sleep on couch, no closet for her things, etc. It's so difficult to get people out once they've moved in. She will need therapy help with her spending addiction too. The debt? Someone here else will know what to do about that.
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What will her income be when she gets here? Is she a citizen of THIS country, or of another? Does she get Social Security? She is only 75 and likely has 2 decades ahead of life. I would caution you against her having her in your home even temporarily. You will be very unlikely to be able to get her out. I am uncertain why you accepted POA for a difficult woman. I wish I could give you some hope, but I do not see an upside here at all, and to be frank would caution you also against investing into this whole thing any money you have saved, as that you are very unlikely to see again. I am uncertain why your mother is leaving to return to the states. The cost of living here outstrips almost anywhere else.
I wish you good luck but I would say read the book Boundaries, and keep strong ones between the two of you. Lewy Body I believe is not familial. Without any diagnosis your Mother could be suffering from nothing other than bad attitude, which is her norm. I would stay uninvolved, to tell you the truth. You are just beginning your life and you are going to need all your resources. You begin this question by telling us you are in your mid 20s and your mother is 75. Did she somehow adopt you at age 50-55? What country has she been living in? It is almost certainly the best expenditure of money to be ready to purchase a ticket back "home".
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Katec31 Oct 5, 2020
Yes, she did adopt me from a different country when I was an infant and she was almost 50. She had been living in Thailand due to her poor finances.
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I agree do not let her move in with you that would be the first mistake. Been there done that and now looking for a way out of this situation......
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Find a place before she gets here. Do not move her in with you....you will never get her back out. Contact office on aging and see what your options are. How will this be better than her staying in the country she is in? Is she moving here expecting others to support her? I repeat, do not allow her entry into your home.
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