We want to write a letter telling her to not interfere in our family matters but have been advised against doing this. The neighbor hates men and told mom she does not want to talk to my husband. We feel she is trying to insert a wedge between mom, her son (my husband) and me. We live 1500 miles away and get out there or mom comes here every other month. We want her to have two places - keep her small home and have an apt in a nice senior facility down the street from us. She says she is excited about this, then has “tea” with this neighbor and suddenly is not so interested in moving. Anyone have experience handling an unwanted influencer?
Mother with anxiety & suspected dementia. Would not move close to family (picture busy inner city). Family could not move out to her (picture two horse town).
Neighbours in her ears that children were uncaring, slack, should drop their career, sig other, move in with Mom to be her 24hr assistant.
Neighbours brought her food when she couldn't shop, helped with garden when she couldn't manage to hire help, helped bring her home when she wandered.
They considered they were the BEST helpers.
Friend explained, in person & letter. Their 'help' was preventing the move into assisted living the Doctor had advised. Was supporting a dangerous situation. But this gave them new ammo. NO nursing home for OUR neighbour!
Was actually very selfish. Helping made themselves feel good but they admitted they liked their neighbour & didn't want the house sold to 'strangers'.
The Doctor (small town) got involved & got the move to AL in the end.
Your Mother's friend... is she her advocate? Drawing out what your Mother actually wants? Or being manipulative? As likes her friend & does not want to part with her. Hard to know.
Keep on with your plans.
Suggest to Mom that she invite her friend to come stay now & then? Her friend may be fearful of losing the friendship. Good friends are worth keeping 😊
You say “We live 1500 miles away and get out there or mom comes here every other month. We want her to have two places - ..her small home and an apt” close to your place. If she still keeps ‘her small home’, do you mean to visit her there? Or is a benefit for you that you can avoid a long and regular visit 1500 miles away? Will M be OK on her own? What happens next as she ages more – do you expect her to sell ‘her small home’ and move permanently close to you? Is this clear to you, M and the neighbor, or is everybody guessing the next plans?
The ‘nosy’ neighbor ‘checks in’ on M, and it sounds as though they have quite a close relationship. The neighbor may be unhappy about a future that involves M moving away permanently, because of the impact on her own life, and that’s not unreasonable. M ‘has anxiety’ according to your profile, and is agreeing with the last person she speaks to. The future may be quite hard for her to understand.
If you can afford it, one option might be to arrange respite in the “nice senior facility down the street” for M’s next visit. That could take some of the stressful unknowns out of the situation for M.
Another option is to think it all through a bit more clearly, and discuss it with M. It might help to discuss it with neighbor on your next visit. If you want to make it even easier, you might offer neighbor an expenses-paid visit to see M in her new apartment – so the relationship is not cut off automatically. The neighbor is your M's friend, not your own enemy.
Decisions that seem quite logical to you, may be a real upheaval for your mother. Take it gently!