We are going on a 4 day break and I want to go without my mom. She is coming on our main holiday in July, but I want a break and I feel guilty.

OMG. After everything you’ve done and are doing for her, you feel horrible??? Who put that idea into your head?

Seriously, no need to go eat worms because you need a break. Examine the need in YOU to be her strongest support. Why is that?

As my SIL would say "and you give her 24hrs of your day why?"

You don't mention your Mom having any illnesses or Dementia. Your children and DH come first. I would not feel guilty. Gives Sis skme one on one time and hopefully she will see how much care her Mom needs. IMO, if u are giving Mom 24 hrs a day, it maybe time for her to be placed in a nice facility.

Please, go and have some fun. Tell sister no phone calls. She can handle any emergencies.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion of no value. Why would your mother deserve 24/7 indentured servitude from you, while you deserve no break, no vacation from the grind, nothing?

If we each had a dime for all the I Feel Guilty posts written here, we'd all be able to retire in Maui and live high on the Hawaaiaan suckling pig.

Go have fun and put your mother out of your mind for 4 days. Your immediate family deserves your attention more so than anyone else!

Quit the guilt trip. You owe your husband and children some attention. They actually do come first. And I’d make other arrangements to leave your mother when you go on your July trip. You need to recharge your batteries because it’s gonna get worse. It always does.

Welcome to Forum, Jackie:

Guilt suggests responsibility for the woes visited upon your Mom, and for her dependence upon you. You aren't guilty of anything. You didn't cause this and you can't cure this.

And, without a break, this can quite literally kill you.

You not only have a right to some time to yourself, but you have an obligation to yourself, the rest of your family, and your MOM to keep yourself as well and stable as you can. This means taking care of yourself.

If this concept sounds foreign to you, then you may be so enmeshed in your daily caring bond with/to your Mom that you cannot function well without a bit of help.
Consider a couple of counseling sessions with a LSW (social worker) in private counseling practice. They aren't going to go all "Freudian" on you, but they will help you vent a bit, and give you some options to think about as you make your way through the caregiving journey.

My heart goes out to you. Please. Take CARE of YOURSELF. Many depend upon that.

Don’t feel guilty. You deserve this break. You’re going on a short mini vacation and your mother will be fine while you are away.

Why are you taking her in July?

It’s time for you to start working on “I still feel horrible”.

Whatever your sister chooses to do or not do, you were not born clutching the contract promising you to give full time care to your mother.

YOU need time away from your 24/7/365 job, but trust me, you won’t be getting it until you start regarding yourself as someone who is worth taking good care of.

If you consider “SELF CARE” as being synonymous with “Self-ISH”, it’s time to approach that idea from a different perspective too.

You are important. Treat yourself like it!

When you were a child, did your mother bring her mother along on every outing? Did your parents ever get a sitter and go out without you and your sister?

When the guilt gets me, I try to reframe the situation.

Also, I feel compelled to point out a very familiar aspect of your guilt. Ever go out on your own and leave your husband to babysit your kid(s)? Feel guilty and grateful? Same ridiculous notion. Because he is just as much a parent and shares the responsibility. Your sister is just as much your mother’s daughter and shares the responsibility.

If I ever find out who instilled all this guilt nonsense in so many of us, I’m going to grind them into meatballs and feed them to crocodiles.

Regarding your backup plan;
"I’ve asked my sister to come and stay with my mom"

Be aware that not everyone can or will be happy & obliging.

*Ask*. If yes, great!
If no, start researching alternative options.

You are doing the lion share. Fact. This can cause problems, such as expectations others will step in, provide backup when you need.

The flip side is this: siblings are free to be asked, also free to decline. They have no obligation to BE your backup service.

Don't let this simmer into resentment. Being up front & honest will help.

(I have been on both sides of this now).

No. You are not selfish or horrible although the issue is that YOU feel that way.
Your feelings come from inside, and likely developed over years if not decades.
Likely to do with self-esteem, messages you were given as a child (directly or indirectly from a parent).

You need to have a talk with yourself.
You have taken on the role of a matyr - this doesn't happen overnight. There are deep rooted reasons / issues for why you behave (and think) as you do.

You need to learn to love yourself.
And, when you do, you will be able to serve your mom 'better' - because you will feel / be better and have more energy. If you do not change your thinking and behavior, you will burn out - and then unable to care for your mother as you want.

Based on what you say "neglect my children" -
DO realize how you are teaching your children based on your treat / interact with them. You will not get a 'second change to do what is right for them' and what you do / teach them now will last them a life time.

If you know you are neglecting your children, or even FEEL like it, it is a RED FLAG to change your priorities, learn to set limits and boundaries with your mother, and enlist your sister to pull her weight on a regular basis. This is not 'just' your responsibility; it is a 'family unit' need/responsibility (to care for your mother).

You want your children to develop a strong sense of self; to love themselves, to have self-esteem. You do this by 1) being an example and 2) paying attention to them / their needs, along with yours. Ask yourself: do you want them to grow up ... and think that they are being 'horrible' and feel 'guilty' not doing enough for YOU? No. you do not. You want them to love themsevles so they make healthy decisions for themselves, and you / the family. This requires making decisions that everyone may not agree with ... and being okay with that.

It IS important to realize that what someone else thinks of you is their business. Do not base how you feel about yourself based on how another person feels about you. You want to teach your children to feel good about themselves, be humble, caring humans 'b-e-i-n-g.' Loving oneself is the greatest lesson and experience we have on this earth ... and that is when we do the best for everyone else.

Gena / Touch Matter - p.s. I spent DECADES learning to love myself as no one taught me that it was possible or even a consideration. A mother cannot give to a child what they do not possess / understand themselves. My mother didn't know how to be a 'good' mother. I had to learn how to be-come my own mother in my 20s ... and it never ends.