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My husband has look so overwhelmed and exhausted. He is so overwhelmed with the emotional ups and downs of dealing with his parents. They are both in a nursing home but will eventually be in assisted living. They call all the time. He has agreed to not take calls while at work. His dad had a horrid temper and calls yelling and his mom calls constantly ( dementia) with some crisis or another. We are cleaning out their house (they were boarders- house goes on auction block as a foreclosure in 80 days) we have to keep this (cleaning) secret or they blow up and accuse us of stealing. He has missed work, and is now behind; he can't focus when there. They had a meeting yesterday at work to try to force him to travel on business with unspoken threats of termination if he doesn't step it up. He's 59 and been their since he was 25. He can not retire ($$$). He has a dormant autoimmune disease and I'm afraid he's going to have a flare or a heart attack or stroke. Yesterday he looked awful. He works 40 miles away and usually rides his motorcycle but doesn't trust himself lately because of all this so now he deals with Los Angeles traffic on top of everything else. His parents are probably going to loose their Medi-cal because they have not paid the nursing home (6 mos) and now have SSI built up in their account. The NH told us they can not kick them out or allow them to leave until they have another place to go. They also said they constantly try to get them to pay but FIL blows up and accuses them of imprisoning him and he's not paying for it. The NH said all they can do is try and take them to court. Meanwhile they are in constant contact with my husband trying to get him to convince his dad to pay up. I've been making sure he is eating lots of organic vegetables, cooking everything from scratch, gone gluten free, walk with him, we even pray together daily. How can I be there for him other than what I'm doing?

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Thankyou all. Fortunately things have been pretty quiet the past few days. They found someone else to travel at his job and his dad has been quiet. His mom has called frequently though but he only takes one call a day. She thinks the dad ( her husband ) has found a 16 year old hooker at the nursing home- you just have to look for the humor in it I guess. Grandkids are coming Friday to visit for a week from the UK so that's put a smile in our hearts for now.
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For his sanity, maybe he should allow the state to take over. They would have the means to get to their money. And Dad can't fight them. Or blame son since Dad has made his own bed. Maybe someone other than your husband or u can have an impartial person go in and explain things to his Dad.
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the POA was done in 1997. Y es pre foreclosure then. - they hadn't made a mortgage payment for 2 1/2 years. But nothing was done. I don't really know why except I think they were protected by obamas keep your home thing or they had a bankruptcy 7 years ago and that may have done something. Anyway my husband has that guilt thing ,obligation or who knows. The NH said we could sign care over to the state but he refused. Now that his dad has been told by his doctor he no longer requires skilled nursing but assisted living that may no longer be an option- I don't really know how that works. When I say cleaning I do not mean cleaning. I mean getting important stuff out and putting in storage. But they hoarded tons of stuff and we're living in a 2400 sq ft house in one of those 55 plus communities. But this was originally about helping , supporting my husband and his health.
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This sounds like one of those terribly sad " lose/lose situations.

Did a lawyer prepare the Poa? If so, have the lawyer contact the bank.

If not, was the POA witnessed, notarized, in any way Official? Did the NH accept it as Valid? Perhaps put the bank and the NH in touch with each other.

Your father is receiving services and he is obligated to pay for them. Perhaps the bank can pay the NH directly.
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Just saw ur post. I was on Moms bank account but my bank allowed me to cash in CDs for Moms care. They have POA on file. Maybe its time to get a lawyer involved.
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Do u mean preforcloser? Foreclosure means the bank has taken over and you will no longer have access after so many days. Get out what is important and let the rest go. Once the locks are changed, the bank is responsible for cleanout.
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Thank you, yes he has POA. However the bank will not honor it. Your name must be on the account. We even took paperwork from the Doctor to prove to the bank that dad was unfit to make decission and they told us it wasn't on official letterhead; then his dad would have to show up himself. His dad is doing better after the fall and is now able to use a walker etc. he has not been diagnosed as having dementia. He is diabetic, at risk for falls, and incontinent wears diapers. The reason we are cleaning the house is because they are in foreclosure. We wanted to find anything of value so we can put it in storage for them. Also there are family heirlooms and momentos packed away with their 20 plus years of junk mail that they never threw out. Molding food. Poo smeared floors, - ..............
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What put them in a nursing home? If they aren't paying the nursing home, how do u think they are going to pay for an AL. Sounds like they have no money if house being foreclosed on. And if in foreclosure, why r u cleaning out. Me, I would just take what is worth something or u want. Maybe have a "junk" man come in for the rest and give money for it. They haul away. Who is paying for phones? Cell or provided by home. If provided by home, have them take out for nonpayment. If cell, take away saying the bill isn't being paid. Then u don't have them calling. Even though he isn't picking up their calls, its still stress hearing that phone ring. You don't say if ur inlaws suffer from Dementia but if so, u need to realize, they no longer reason. His Dad sounds like someone who always had his way. Maybe your husband needs to sit down with the facility. Explain that he has no control over his Dad and they need to stop calling him. Your husband is not responsible for his parents debts. You said NH did u mean AL since inlaws are paying? Ask the facility what they would do if inlaws had no family? If a nursing home ask about Medicaid if there is no money. Make them aware that because of husbands job inlaws cannot live with u. Believe me, you cannot care for them. Guardianship may be what you'll need to do and that cost can come out of parents money. If u can afford it, it may be wise for husband to take some time off work to research what he can legally do and get what he needs to done. It will take some stress off.
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You are doing good things. Encourage him to detach as much as he can from the situation. For example, he has no responsibility for the nh cost, right? So he can ask the nh not to call him about that. If they must communicate about something financial he can ask them to put it in writing. FIL having his bank balance build up so they are no longer eligible for Medicaid and at the same time not paying the facility is not just crazy, it is stupid. Sigh. But I don't see what the nh expects hubby to do about it (unless he has POA). Tell them to take legal action.

Your hubby is smart not to take their calls during work hours. Maybe he could extend that. He only takes calls from them between 6 and 7 (or whatever works). If there is something you truly need to know the staff will call you. (Do take calls from the staff.) They won't like it, of course, but it may help you both feel less anxious.

If your husband would like to do some travel for work, encourage him to do it. He could still take his parents calls at the designated times. Many people in care centers have no local family at all, and the care center manages to meet their needs just fine. Getting away a little might be a good break.

Above all, convince him that this is Not His Fault. Guilt just makes everything more stressful.
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I take it no one has PoA?

If husband has not been entrusted with poa, I'm not sure why he is doing anything, including cleaning out the hoarded house or taking phone Calls?

Tell us more.
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Hoarders not borders
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