How do I wash my hands of a narcissistic, violent father?

I'm so sorry for the pain you continue to struggle with. It's nearly impossible to be there for an abusive parent that continues to abuse. Some do it; I'm not sure I could.

You could start by trying to reach out to the county social service system through the area council on aging. They are probably not going to be a lot of help unless he qualifies as low income, which it appears he doesn't at this point. But they may have resources that can help so they are the best place to start.

The other option is to hire a fee-for-service geriatric care manager that would take on this burden for you. You could pay him or her out of your dad's finances, if you have access to them. You can get his needs met and yours by turning to professionals. You just need to be persistent in finding the right fit for you.

Your situation is not unique but most people suffer in silence. I applaud you for reaching out and asking for help. Good luck...

Oh my goodness. I am in tears as I read this post. How horrible for you.

Coming from a family with a very, very narcissistic father and a very narcissistic mother, I can tell you this is over your head. You do not owe him one thing except to make sure someone other than you takes care of him. Spend his money, or make sure he does, get advice from social services. Just don't take him into your life yourself. He is abusive.

My father and I never got along. I was his scape goat. He had a hard childhood but in reality he was a little bully. He bullied the weakest link, me. I now have PTSD whenever someone yells at me or talks down to me. My last conversation with my father was not pleasant. And it was about getting him help from the Veteran's Admin. He had way too much money but didn't want me to know about it. It was a lifetime of abuse, verbally and emotionally.

So under no circumstances would I have taken care of him. He has now died and I realize more than ever how little I had with him. My mother was his codependent. So realize, in dealing with your father, that you are going into the lion's den with a fly swatter. Don't do it.

You must remember, don't beat yourself up so about his care. What sort of care did he give you? You poor sister? God doesn't expect us to take this sort of punishment.

I am sure many will read your post and give you some great advice about who to contact and what to do. Listen to them.

First of all, I can really understand how painful this experience is for you, especially when you had decided to do right by him and try to help him, even though he has been harsh and unloving all of your life. I can't help you with the details of services available in his State. I guess that can be figured out with some phone calls. If he has been in the hospital lately, you could start with the patient advocate or the social worker in the hospital. BUT, I hope you can get some therapy for yourself. Carrying all this anger and pain inside of you will only hurt you. Please reach out and find a professional to work with. Don't wait until your father dies, as then you'll have the added burden of guilt to work through. I'm sure that having such a father has made you stronger AND more sensitive to the struggles of others. Take care of yourself through this difficult time. AND, just know that even asking this question shows that somewhere, deep inside you, even though he was violent and destructive, your father matters to you. Parents matter. They just do.