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My grandfather recently passed away from multiple health issues, and was in and out of the hospital for the past year and even more so during his last few months before death. My mother and I have been the main caregivers throughout all of this, but my mother ended up getting a job as a travelling surgery RN in September 2012 and I have been taking care of my grandparents since. Long story short, my grandfather and grandmother basically raised me since my mother was a single parent and they are more than just grandparents and I would do anything for them and have not regretted being their caregiver one bit, but my mother's one brother, however feels different. I have two uncles, one who I will call "Key", who is the oldest, and "Miller" who is the middle child. Both Key and Miller have well to do jobs and both are very busy. However, Key has made more of an effort of trying to help out and things I am not able to do (fix cars, mow the lawn, clean gutters, plumbing issues, etc) while Miller has not been around. So when my grandfather was admitted to an long term care facility for bounce back rehab, we had POA papers drawn up. During his last weeks, Pop was very tired and sometimes unresponsive, but was still sharp as a tack and his primary care doc deemed him mentally competent to still make his own decisions. Pop named Key, my grandmother, and I POAs and three days after the papers were signed, he passed away while getting ready for discharge. Miller found out, as well as other several family members, all of whom were utterly angry that Miller was not a POA. They have made me feel guilty and horrible... but was my grandfather really in the wrong by not putting Miller on there? Miller was never there... had no clue half of the time what was going on with their medications or medical issues, and only really showed up when Pop was in the hospital. I never wanted to be POA, but that's what Pop wanted. But was he in the wrong for picking the grandchild (me) over his one son??

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So Miller and the others put up a fuss about you being PoA for 3 days? That's it? Another red flag. Actually I see red flags all over this situation, so here's a bit more advice. If Key is the executor, Miller should NOT have any involvement. He has no more right to be involved than you do, so I find it VERY suspicious that you are expected to step back but he is not. Also, if your grandmother wants you involved but has not given you any legal position, you won't be able to do anything for her.

It sounds like Miller is bullying everyone in the family and they are allowing it. BIG mistake. Set boundaries and get the legal affairs in order to reflect your grandmother's wishes ASAP. And seriously look into getting an impartial co-executor to keep everyone in line.
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Thank you everyone for the insight. Yes, my grandmother is showing signs of dementia but she has already chosen Key as executor before she started getting bad. Key and I have been on the same page throughout all of this and I have chosen to not be any type of executor, as it will be nothing but a fight. My grandmother wants me involved however, and I told her I would stay with her through it all but when it comes down to it, to keep the peace my mother and Key have asked that I leave the decisions up to them and Miller, which even though I don't agree with, but consented too. My grandfather did not a have a will, but all of their deeds, bills, cars, etc. were in both names so we lucked out about things going pro-bono. I guess I was just looking to see if it really was that big of a deal, that big of an issue that I was named a POA and not Miller, even though I'm just the granddaughter and not a daughter.
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Hi Jess,
Your grandfathers choice of POA would indicate not only was his thinking clear but also that he was using good common sense! Why would anyone choose someone as a POA who isn't up on health history and involved with doctor appointments, etc. Sounds like your uncle has a bruised ego that he needs to tend to. You should feel really proud of yourself for being there for your grandparents as they were for you! Best Wishes!
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Assuming your grandmother does not have dementia or other competency issues, she can choose whoever she d--- well pleases as her executor. There is no reason for you to stay out of it if she wants to involve you.

It sounds to me like Miller thinks he has missed out on some benefit by not being PoA and he probably thinks the same about being an executor. That's not how it works, legally (PoAs and executors get very minimal compensation for their work), but he may believe he could dip into the money if he chooses. So, you've got to watch out for him.

One option that I think everyone should consider (I wish my grandfather did) was to have a trust company (they may go by a different name in various countries, so research this for your area) as co-executor. They get paid a small amount from the estate but it's worth it because their job is to keep good records and disallow any funny business. If their representative *does* allow funny business, the company is liable and can be sued, so they have a very good incentive to make sure everything is on the up-and-up.

No doubt Miller will kick up a fuss about this, and that to me is a huge RED FLAG.
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Your grandfather had every right to name whoever he wanted as POA. Now that he's gone, it's over and done with. Like the others have said, now what's important is what his will said about his executor, which I hope is his wife, your grandmother or maybe your mom or the uncle who helped out.
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Everything went to my grandmother, it's her who we need a will and she picked Key as executor for when she passes. My mother and I have talked a bit and she thinks its best that when my grandmother starts to go that I be kept out of things and let my uncles handle it, but I feel differently about having Miller make any decisions...
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no even wasn't wrong... Now that's pop has passed who's his executor...
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I think your grandfather made a good choice. It only makes sense to choose a PoA who has already shown their willingness to help.

Is the PoA for your grandmother? Because now that your grandfather has passed, PoA for him has ended. An executor is needed for his estate now. Who did he choose for that?
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