Wanting happiness for your loved one.

My mother was never happy, her whole life. My attempts to "make" her happy in her old age were futile and only made ME unhappy, as it turned out. What's important to realize with caregiving is the difference between Needs and Wants. If we take on a caregiving role and want to maintain some semblance of sanity, we should focus on fulfilling their Needs and not necessarily their Wants. The Needs can become so overwhelming in and of themselves that the Wants MUST take a backseat anyway. Not to mention some things are impossible to do anyway. Once I realized all my efforts to make mom happy were in vain, I was able to back off and focus on her Needs only. As long as they were met, it was up to HER to find gratitude for the life she was given.

My MIL passed last week. In the time since, the family has been talking a lot about her and their remembrances of her.

I am amazed and astonished by the difference in our viewpoints of her. My SIL is really grieving and her 'take' was that her mother, while admittedly 'difficult' was a paragon of virtue and love. My BIL is just glad she's gone and we can all get on with the process of living. He didn't even look at her in her casket. "Loving" was not mentioned in his talk at the funeral. My DH is waffling between some measure of guilt that they ended up having to place her and then she died a week later--so he's dealing with that. He chose not to speak at her funeral.

Was she EVER happy? I honestly do not know. She never admitted to it, at least in my hearing. I mean, all of us have our days and moments, but I never felt that she was happy in any sense of the word, and nothing could have made her so.

I looked at her in her casket, and she didn't look like I had remembered. (I haven't seen her for 4 years). She looked angry, even at 'rest'. I guess that old adage that if you keep 'making that face' it's going to freeze that way. She looked, well, pissed. Like she looked in life.

She was the kind of person who only liked a very few people. She talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk.

Nothing that any one did for her could make her happy. She was in a constant state of angry all the time. I guess she may have had some joy, I wouldn't know.

It's sad. I can't help but compare her to my mom, whom I lost last year--and who went to her final rest looking calm and sweet. My mom wasn't perfect, but she DID love us and we knew it.

I think we put too much emphasis on being "happy". What is happiness for one person is not for another. I think that is what is wrong with the generations born in and after the 70s. If they weren't happy all the time, they were depressed. Then turned to drugs. You are not going to be happy 24/7. For me its a feeling I get when I see a friend I haven't seen in a while. A feeling I get when one of my of my girls brings me a favorite food I like. Flowers for my birthday. My DH gives me a hug and kiss. When you don't have anything and someone gives you food or pays a bill for you, that makes you happy. Some people are just happy they get thru the day.

Right now my grandson Is not happy with his job because he feels the company does not care about their employees. This company does pay their employees well and has good benefits. He can live on his salary. He won't find another place that pays that well. I told him just look at the job as a means to an end. Go, do a good job and be glad you have one. It pays the bills. Very few people are happy in their jobs. My husband worked in a job he didn't particularly like for 30yrs but it paid well and the bills got paid.

I don't think we should use the word "happy" in everyday life. I think we should use the word content. Are we content with our lives. When I use that word pertaining to everyday life, then yes I am content. Thats a comfortable feeling. Happy is how you feel in a moment.

Some people you can never make happy nor will they ever be content. Why, because their expectations concerning life and people is too high. They can't be happy or content with the small things.

Absolutely nothing makes my mother happy. I came to the conclusion that she enjoys being unhappy and making sure we all know it. She was always this way, from back when I was a child.. Thankfully I realized when I was a lot younger that I could not fix this. I was a people pleaser as a child and I did try. I finally learned that no matter what it I did, it didn't work.

So I learned from my relationship with my mother that finding my happiness is on me, not anyone else.

It’s interesting that while many of us caregivers are concerned about keeping our LOs happy, there are two other top questions today on the forum about caregivers becoming depressed and losing interest in things they once loved.

I try very hard to keep my mom happy, or at the very least address her concerns as best I can. At the same time I become more disinterested, exhausted and yes, depressed, about my own life. This is no coincidence, especially when we’re dealing with people who are sick or dying, and most especially those like my mother who feel cheated and will never be happy, no matter what I do.

This is such an insightful post - I appreciate reading your thoughts on the subject. My mother always tried to be "satisfied" - I don't remember her ever expressing something related to wanting to be happy. She achieved being satisfied with most things in her life, but as her caregiver (and even before becoming her caregiver) aiming to give her joy/happiness was always there.

You are so right.

Caregivers move quickly from being a spouse or a child to being a caregiver and they seem to feel responsible for everything, and especially for happiness.
Over and over again in my answers I find myself asking our OPs to answer the question "When did life become about happiness, and when did you become responsible for whether or not your loved one is happy?"
Because no matter what stage of life you are in from infant to preschool to school kid to worker and spouse and parent, to grandparent-- life is NEVER ALWAYS HAPPY and not for anyone.

While women in the Ukraine haul water up stories to their family in buckets, meanwhile having prolapse of the uterus from it, while their men fight a war, we here in the USA remain preoccupied with "happiness".

Now, trust me, I love happiness. I thrive on contentment and look for the things that make me content, but I never in my life saw life as about my "happiness". I loved my career as an RN, my family, nature, gardening, reading, walking, travel. I could go on. But hey, there were the failures, the cancer, the broken marriage, the estrangements, the financial struggles, the mistakes, the losses and grief, the earthquakes.

Living isn't a Happy-all-the-time thing, and we can't make it so. Not for ourselves and not for our loved ones. And taking on that responsibility is such a mistake. I am so glad you brought this up for discussion.

Yes - Often times in Our role as caregiver we become the parent and switch Roles . So It is like taking care of a child - Of course you want to make them happy . I Liked to cook healthy meals and bring Treats home for My Dad - He Liked that . I got along with him pretty well . We had activities we Liked doing together . You did a good Job Give yourself credit where credit is due .

You can't MAKE someone else happy.
You can try your best to remove stresses or not to make yourself stressed.
Try not to "argue" or get "sucked" into an argument. Know when to not say anything, know when to walk away. And pick your battles when it comes to the important things.
If you do the best you can each day
If you make the best decisions given the information you have...
You can sleep well knowing you have done your best that is all anyone can ask of you.

Happiness has to come from within. We simply cannot create it for others, at least not on any sustained level. And when the issues and losses of old age pile on, often whatever happiness was for someone becomes progressively more elusive.

What an excellant observation.

I felt the tug of wanting happiness for someone this week. That little nagging voice of I must do something.. You are so right. I cannot generate it - but I can be grateful when it comes. ❤️