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I am 23 years old and my mom recently had a stroke. however I have felt like I've been a caretaker or my parents all my life. From my father extreme depression and poor health which eventually cost him his life 2 years ago with me watching for 6 months as he suffered. To my mother's anger and gambling addiction problem, I've always felt like I had to pick up the peices for both of them. Now that I am about to graduate I was hoping to be done with my mother forever now that she has a stroke. I feel like she is worst then ever and even more selfish even though I know this isn't completely her fault. I am still angry at her and I feel bad for being angry at her. She wasn't around much but she did make sure my dad, my brother, and I had food in our stomach and house to live in. She wasnt the most caring person in the world but she did try. And both my parents did the best they could. But a part of me still really really really hates them. I feel so guilty for wishing constantly she was dead that way I be done taking care of my parents and focus on my own life for once. But I dont want to see my mom dead either and even though my dad is gone. I really would give anything to see him again. I know they love my brother and I very much but I don't know how to stop thinking these thoughts.

I want to see my mom be healthy and happy. (The doctors gave a good prognosis) but yet I can't stop feeling this way. Does the feeling get better over time? Am i just angry and still going through the grief process? I love my parents very much and I really can't stand seeing my mom this way but I am scared. How can I be there for her if I am so angry?

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I grew up from a very dysfunctional family. We were always considered the "poor" family. As a teen, I knew I was messed up and needed to seek counseling. Like you, I had so much anger and resentment towards my parents. They never showed us love, hugs, encouragements, etc...Our only incentive to do good was to avoid a minimum of 5 spankings from a wide stiff leather belt. I dropped out of college so that I can spend fulltime teaching about God and hold a part-time job. At age 22, my mom was diagnosed with dementia/alzheimer. I remembered crying on a fellow believer's shoulders as I cried because I did not want to stay home and help father care for her. I resented them. I was angry with them. All my 7 siblings fled the home but I had to stay and "honor my father and my mother." commandment. I turned my anger/resentment/and yes, eventually hatred towards my parents because I had to put back my dreams of traveling. Because of these feelings I had towards my parents, I felt that I was a bad/lousy Christian. I turned my back on God (because I had to Honor my parents). I stopped completely and avoided anything religious.

1dayitwillbek, I understand where you're coming from. The torn feelings towards our parent. The hatred. I did NOT know that I could have sought free counseling by going to Public Health. (I only found out about this from this site!) If I had known, I would have sought counseling. I hope that you don't let the anger/hatred/love continue to tear you apart. I recommend that you seek counseling - even if it's at your college. Just seek help to "straighten" up your thoughts.

I also know what it's like to have a parent suffer from a stroke. My father had his first one 2 years ago. I would like to emphasis to you the Importance of making sure that your mom has Intense Physical Therapy ASAP. Father refused to go to Rehab after he was released from the hospital. He fought against doing the PT because it HURTS. So, the hospital doctor told him that if he did not do PT, they will keep him in the hospital. So he did it until he came home. After that, he refused to do it. The reason I bring this up is that when a person suffers from a stroke, it is Very Important that they go thru the intense physical therapy within a year of their stroke. This will give them a very high percentage of getting back to normal. I know several people who went thru the severe pain of PT and are normal. You cannot tell that they suffered from a stroke. And I know of 2 people (father and a female elderly friend) who refused and did not try hard to do PT. And both are bedridden.

So, if you can for now, put aside your anger/hatred/resentment towards your mother and make it a goal for Both of you to do the intense PT. Be there with her if that is the only way to get her to cooperate. Remember - if she does it, she can go back to close to being normal...vs...Not Doing It - and becoming bedridden or on wheelchair for life. So, do your best to ensure she does her PT so that you can continue with your life. And if she refuses, then you may need to start looking for alternate care for her. I don't recommend putting your life/career, etc on hold just to be your mom's fulltime caregiver. Just set 2 goals for now: free therapy for you and PT therapy for mom. I hope it works out for you.
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Thank you. It is nice to know that these feelings are normal that I am not alone. Reading it is nice and hear it is a good reminder. Your advice was very touching. I wish you and your family the best of luck too. And thank you again for your kind words.
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First I want to say I am so sorry. I had a similiar conversation with my husband today on how no one has a crystal ball and boy how it would sure help. My dad had cancer twice and went through chemo and radiation and had some good years only to attempt suicide, have a series of multiple strokes and develop dementia, cancer again and heart failure (partly brought on by the chemo). Hindsight is 20/20 but sometimes I have to wonder to myself if he would have been better off if he had passed on initially. Our family was put through more than anyone ever knew and at one point, dad was so unstable mentally, my mom had me stop bringing my daughter around who was a toddler at the time for fear he would hurt her. Mom was appointed his guardian.
So yes, sometimes you do feel that way. You have had a lifetime of parents who seemed to have either not fully "got it together" or was not really caring. I see a lot of people mentioned they feel obligated to caregive because they were fed as children but even a cat will feed it's kittens. That is what you are supposed to do. A crust of bread should not be an excuse for mental, emotional or in some cases physical abuse.
I would agree with the poster above me and encourage you to talk to someone either way you feel and here is why: 1) if you simply wish the ordeal to be over, when it is -- you need help realizing it is over and 2) if you hate your mom (or still even your dad) you need to talk it out.
My husband felt BOTH ways due to physical, emotional and mental abuse and even though his mom has been dead for close to 20 years, he never resolved his issues. His father is still alive and just has hateful has his mom and he takes his anger out by sometimes yelling at our little girl when she does wrong. I told him if he wants to correct her (she can get very hyper and annoying), then fine but DO NOT take it out on her because he is mad at his dad.
So hon, before you have kids of your own, talk to someone to get all the toxic junk out of your mind and even your soul. Be it a pastor, priest or a secular counselor, just talk to somebody. And (((hugs))).
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No, I don't want my mom to die but and we never close to begin with there is so much bad blood between us. So being with her all the time again is just so new and bring up painful childhood memories that I'd hope where gone. There have always been a lot of issues between us, but it isn't enough to actually have me want her to be worm food. However it is a terrifying thought to actually have to talk to her for the first time and be one the same footing in away. We have always disproved of each other but hopefully it is never to late to learn something together. I will try. Thank you for your answer and taking the time to respond.
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Is your wishing your mother was dead, really just wishing this whole thing would just end? I think probably that's really what you're meaning when you say you wish she would die, cause then "it' would be over right? If that's what you're really saying, then I would think that's a normal reaction to what's happening. If on the other hand you actually DO hate your mother and you personally wish she'd drop dead and become worm food, then you need to get some counseling. Maybe it's time to put aside the emotions and focus on the logic of your situation. What steps can you take to fix this problem? Who do you have to reach out to for help to make this better? What about your brother? And really, your mom is as much a victim as you are, so talk to her. Tell her how frustrated you are, tell her what you need, then put your heads together to come up with a solution. Time to be proactive, and not just wishing it had never happened. Because sometimes life stinks, but then we move on. ♥
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