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My brother is a quadrapeligic and lives with my mom. She gets paid to provide aide services for him. She is very concerned that he continue to live in her home. My mom stated having difficulty working a couple of years ago which has progressed to her using a walker. My spouse and I live 45 miles away from her and take her to all her doctor appointments and get her hair done sometimes more than once a week. We are happy to do it. I love my mother very much and worry about her situation. She is not able to do daily chores. My brothers day aide does most of it. She needs to stop being my brother's aide but the extra money helps pay her mortgage.
My husband wants to move to his home state 2000 miles away. Our cost of living here is killing us. If he didn't have a small home business we wouldn't meet our expenses every month. They leaves both my husband and I very stressed out.
The other issue is we are both in our 60's and my health is very poor. Most of helping my mom falls to my husband.
I have one other sibiling who lives 200 miles away and would not be much help financially or otherwise.
I don't know what to do. I feel torn between caring for my mom and my husband's wish to move. Appreciate all responses.

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Could they possibly find funding for an assisted living where your hubby wants to move where they could both be together? Depending on the level of paralysis, I can tell you there are a lot of people who are babied and not nearly as independent as they could be with a few gadgets and rehab to train them in adaptive techniques, but some parents sabotage this and just do everything for the person instead, maybe out of misplaced guilt or pity, and it is not a good thing for either party. This is pretty tough.
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I appreciate the feedback. I have talked to my mom about assisted living and she has shown some interest but again wants my brother to live in the house. He has a little workshop and makes things there. My brother is 52 and became paralyzed in his late twenties and lived independently for many years. He is not always an easy person to be around. He is the baby of the family and was always quite spoiled. My husband move here about 20 years ago but I agree the cost of living has become very high here recently. We have looked into housing back east and found area that are much more affordable. A lot of thinking to do. Thanks.
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How does an 84 year old have a mortgage..?

Well, there it is.

If the cost of living in your area is killing you, how is your mother coping with it? The whole situation sounds a bit perilous, to be honest. And if your brother is already receiving some kind of state support to live at home with your mother, he must be on the radar of their local social services, is he? Maybe that's the place to start. Ask them to come and evaluate your mother's and brother's situation, as a family unit, and see if they have any helpful advice to offer.

I actually don't think your husband is being selfish, especially not as you say that most of the practical support for your mother falls to him. The poor man wants to retire, he's worried about money, he's perhaps just about had enough. But moving back to his home state? He's not searching for the Land of Lost Youth, is he? How long ago is it that he left? The other thing is, if your health is very poor, how is such a radical change going to affect it? What happens to you if you ship out to this new place thousands of miles away? What about friends and community? Was moving always part of your retirement plans, or is this a new idea?

Taken altogether, this seems much more complex than your having to choose between your mother and your husband: I think there are many other factors to consider as well. How is communication between your husband and you at the moment? Are you talking openly about your plans, or is it getting very emotional?

You're in a terribly difficult situation, I'm so sorry for it.
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You are truly between a rock and a hard place. I can only tell you that I personally could not leave my mom and brother in that situation. I would simply have to resolve it In order to sleep at night.

Mom is 84 years old. She is one slip and fall from a nursing home. Then what? Get them both safely situated and then move if you wish. Personally? Knowing that my mom had sacrificed much of her life for her son...well, I couldn't leave her. I would die of a broken heart.

One has to wonder if your husband would want to make this 2000-mile move if it were his mom he were leaving. I can't resist adding that I think it's very selfish.
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I can understand your Mom wanting your brother to live at home with her as she probably has been caring for him all of his life. I am trying to figure out how your Mom is still getting paid by the State to be your brother's aide when she is physically unable to do many things for him. Or does the money she get pays for the aide who comes to the house?

Time for a reality check. I know it would be tough for your Mom to move elsewhere such as Assisted Living but she is now in age related decline... and to have your brother be moved somewhere else for his care. Find a facility where both can live would be the best thing for both.

How long have both you and your hubby been helping your Mom and your brother? Is the home a single family dwelling with routine maintenance, lawn to mow, etc.? I tell you, it is hard to keep up two dwellings, your own and your mother's.

And in my book, seniors shouldn't be caring for older seniors. We are too old and we have our own age decline issues. It can age us to a point where our parent would outlive us.
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