Am I wrong for wanting nothing more to do with my mom?

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Am I wrong for wanting nothing more to do with my mom?

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I empathize with all of you. My father used to be emotionally abusive to my mother all her life. She passed away 2 months ago, and now he has started to do it to me. He is in a nursing home, and loves it there. But when he gets agitated, he blames me for putting him there, calls me vile names, and just 2 days ago, has now started blaming me for my mother's death (she died from heart failure after contracting MRSA, C diff, etc...from the hospital). It crushed me, I loved my mother so much and I don't need this in my grief. I do not know what to do, but right now I am no longer answering the phone. I'm going to stay away from him as long as possible, but I am his health care proxy, and I still have their house to clean out and sell. I pay all his bills (with his money). He also accuses me of trying to steal his money. People tell me "oh, it's just dementia setting in". But it isn't, he has always been a mean, moody person, and it's getting worse.
If anyone has answers for this one, I'm also interested.
I only have one sibling, who lives out of state, but considering that you have 6 other siblings, I'm wondering if you should step back and let some of them support financially and emotionally.

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Good advice DT. I'm going to try it.

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I have been having some "luck" (for want of a better word) in using the old psychologist trick of asking questions in response to an uncomfortable or distressing situation or even to distressing questions. "Why should I come around when obviously you do not appreciate it?", for instance. "What else can I do for you that I am not doing?" But ask in a perfectly level, non-confrontational voice, as if you were asking for directions to the mall. Too often I think we tend to allow ourselves to be sucked into an argument or a negative or contradictive response, and it just fuels the fire. She obviously feeds on it. Don't play the game. Be pro-active. Above all, don't perpetuate the abuse. It stops with me. If she continues without you, or bad-mouths you behind your back, you can be assured in yourself that you have done all you can. BIG hint next!!!! - You cannot buy love or respect by giving gifts either to her or to your relatives, all you are being is an enabler. Nothing good comes of being an enabler. Put her on a par with yourself at most, if she takes it all, that is all she will be satisfied with - all. As to siblings, I have found also that unless someone is personally involved with the care or support of an elderly relative, they are only too glad to stay detatched. Why should they get involved when you are already doing it all???!!! Stand by your principals, stay strong and resolve that she will not rile you any longer, it is at an end, act accordingly.

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I'm not dealing with this. My mother was never emotionally abusive. So my advice is easy for me to give, and probably a whole lot harder to put into practice. Pandoralou said it well -- No one has the right to rob you of your happiness. If the only way you can stop your mother from doing this is to cut all ties, then that is what you need to do. Maybe after you've established some of the lifestyle changes you are working on, and have focussed on your husband and family, you will feel strong enough to reconnect with Mother with some firm boundaries in place. For now, do what you gotta do to take care of you.

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It only gets worse. I'm an only child and feel guilty for not satisfying my mothers every need. But she acts like a spoiled child and I get tired of everything I do being wrong. I finally just gave up and either just did what she said or didn't try.

While we might "owe it to ourselves" to stop such a toxic relationship it's easier said than done. If you stop it, you only feel guilty for stopping it which really isn't any better.

Do you think counseling has helped you? I tried it once and the counselor felt sorry for her and I felt I came of whiny. It didn't help me much.

I do feel sorry for my Mom, she's in poor health, miserable and depressed. I try to be compassionate, but it's tough.

I'm anxious to hear what others have to say.

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I could have written that letter myself, but there are 9 girls and 3 boys in my family and my mother was physically as well as emotionally abusive. The emotional abuse is worse.
It will be difficult for you to remove your mother from your head and then from your life, but it will probably be your saving grace. I was in counseling for five years to help me with that step in life. Emotional abuse creates such a chain of reactions that become automatic after so much time.
You owe it to yourself, to your husband and to your children to seek joy in your life. If your mother is like my mother (and they sound like twins), she will block your joy at every opportunity. The turning one sibling against another has created voids in our lives that may never be filled, but we are working on it. No one has the right to rob you of your happiness.
I wish you luck and I hope you can find the strength to end a toxic relationship and find real happiness.

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Am I wrong for wanting nothing more to do with my mom?

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