I moved my mom in my house 5 years ago after my dad passed away. A few days after my dad left us my mom had a stroke. Since this happened I had to take care of all the funeral arrangement and look after my mom in hospital. I have 3 older brothers, but they're no help. Moved my mom into my house when she got out of hospital to take care of her. My mom was alright the first year or so, but all she does is complain and stay in her room. I love my mom, but it's affecting my marriage. My husband has been standing by me, but now he tell me that I've chagned. It's hard to see my mom depressed and I don't know what to do. My mom is diabetic and doesn't care what she eats. I try to make healthy food, but if she doesn't like it she has comments. I've told one of my brothers to take her a month or so to give me time with my family. He's asked her, but she always say, " NO". I've told her a few months back that I was having trouble with marriage and wanted her to go stay with brother, but she didn't. I love my husband and I want to see if my mom stressing me out is what is causing us to fight. It really frustrates me when my brother comes over and my mom is a different person. They might visit for an hour and they leave. I've told my husband, I wish I could visit like they do. Sometimes I think my mom is happy when my marriage isn't working. I don't want to think this,but she is so negative and I can't stand it anymore. I've never talked back to my parents, so telling my mom to leave I feel really guilty. What should I do? I'm afraid my mom won't understand that I need time along with my family.

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Wow SR1234, good for you! That must have been very difficult. Hang in there!

Your mom's situation is sad. It is OK for her to look sad sometimes. It is not your fault. It is not your responsibility. If you think she is depressed, it is OK for you to suggest that she see a doctor about it. If you think she is not taking care of her diabetes it is OK to serve healthy meals that are good for all of you and offer to go for walks with her for some exercise. It is loving to offer to help, but ultimately her happiness is not your responsibility. But I'll bet you know that. It is the putting it into practice that is hard, isn't it? I'm so glad you have taken this first step. If you think it would help to have some professional support, consider getting some counseling -- not to fix what is "wrong" with you, but to help you cope with a difficult situation. Good luck to you!
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I told my mom yesterday that I thought she should go to my brothers for awhile to try a different change of envirement. She had not response. I told her that I thought she was giving up and I hate seeing her like this. She told me she would just go to assisted living, but she didn't want to go to my brothers. I told her give it a try and she might like it. Told my mom that I needed to work on my marriage, and she didn't say anything. I told her your my mom... You should care about what I need and she said she did, but she got silent. She told me to give her a week to see what she wanted to do. I told her that I loved her and gave her a hug.. This morning when I gave her breakfast she was ignoring me. Had a sad look on her face, this make me sad, but with all your support I'm trying to stay strong and not give in. Thank you all for giving me the strength to say something.
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Setting limits with parents seems so unnatural, and yet you have to. No one can stand a room mate with untreated depression, and you could reasonably not be expected to let your mom stay untreated and cope with it. She might be OK if she can get treatment. but if she refuses and you are just plain stuck, it would be better to have her in assisted living. I'm sure you feel sorry for her because she has lost nearly everything - first her husband, then her health and independence, then her home; and as time goes on, she realizes it is permanent. Just a stroke in itself can cause depression. But letting things go on as they are is helping no one - not you or your family, and most certainly not your mom. The fact that she can put on a show for your brother is a sign that a change in the environment and/or expecttations for how she acts or both would be very possible. She is probably afraid of another change and may resist it at all costs even if it would be the best possible thing. Maybe you could even try marriage counseling and/or family therapy? But I'm praying for you and yoru marriage - this is very tough, and you do not have to feel bad if you cannot keep Mom at home with you, Somtimes it is just too hard. I often feel that my mom thinks I should be able to fix the things that are unfixable and I cannot be the one with her all the time because she simply cannot stop herself from demanding care and attention from me while heaping on the criticism if I don;t move fast enough or understand what she says the first time, though with staff or others she is mostly very appropriate.
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I agree entirely with the above comments. Everyone "hits the wall" at different times. Two red flags are: your husband's comment and your mother's unhappiness/depression. No one is happy. Perphaps sending Mom off to visit her son is a good way to relieve some of the tension in your home so that your family can come to a coherent decision.
Your Mom should not return to your home. She should stay with your brother until you can find a more suitable living arrangement.
Energy vampires can take you down before you know it. You can do tons of things for your Mom except make her happy....that's her job. And yes, as some seniors age they get ticked off that it is their turn to be old and everyone else is younger (they don't seem to understand that aging is an "equal opportunity" event.)
What we owe our parents is a safe, clean environment where they are well cared for. Allowing your Mom to intrude on your marriage is excessive.
Make at least one change today toward getting your life back.
good luck...we've all been there
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It is certainly not wrong to want your life back. I don't think the answer is to insist your brother take her, so everyone can be miserable for half the time. Could you and your brother talk together with mom about the options? Does she qualify for assisted living, adult family home or only a nursing facility? I would approach with these are the options. You need to make a decision by this date. If not we will make the decision that we think is best for you. Setting boundaries for those we care about is right. You will feel guily and she will try to make you feel even more guilty, but you care about her and want her to have a life, that doesn't mean you have to give up yours!
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I think it's true with the old adage that says 'misery loves company' in this case especially. Your mom is miserable and so she's happier when you're miserable too. Of course it could just be my jaded opinion, so take it or not. I'd be calling up the ONE brother that seems to give a dang, and tell him he needs to take her for a month, no other option. It's either that or mom goes into asst. living or whatever. Take back the control that you've surrendered to your mom (albeit with good intentions) and put your husband and family first for a change. I think it's wonderful that your husband has stood by you during this, which is what spouses are supposed to do, but when he says you've 'changed' that's a red flag to me.
If it were YOU that were coming between your mom and dad's marriage years ago, what would she have done? Would she have let you ruin her marriage? Come to think of it, that might just be a loaded question. Good luck.
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