Please help. Am I a selfish horrible person if I want my mom to leave me alone sometimes?

I do not know about your mother, but my own mother is a master of manipulation and guilt making. If you feel this is what is going on, just do not give in to it. Try and take yourself out of the equation...just think of what you would tell a friend who was having this problem and go from there.

Karen, I know exactly how you feel. I take care of my 95 yr. old mom who is a very stubborn, selfish, old lady. I have to turn her every 2-3 hrs for her bedsores, cook for her, bathe her, curl and comb her hair, put on her makeup, dress her, she's on a foley, have to crush her pills (about 12 meds), clean her after bathroom visits, the list goes on and on. I start at 8 in the morning and go all night. I set my alarm on my cell phone to wake up every 2 hrs. and you should see the bags under my eyes. I literally do EVERYTHING for mom.

The problem that she's rude, mean, and NEVER thanks me for the things I do. If anyone else in the family comes to visit and does the slightest thing for her, she thanks them over and over. Oh well....She fights me over everything from meds to baths.

When she was in the hospital, she expected me and my 2 sisters to sit there all day and watch her sleep! She is very anti-social, has NO friends, and doesn't speak to anyone if she doesn't need to.

I too feel guilty because I feel bitter and resent the fact that I have to do it all on my own. I have 2 sisters who who and try to help when they can. My mom is VERY demanding and just plain hard to deal with on a 24 hr. basis.

I told her she can treat me like **** but I am going to do my part and take care of her as best as I can. I take a 'holiday' once a month and go get a nice hotel room with Misti my dog and we enjoy Fri, Sat, and Sun alone and together--away from her! I can't wait for my next holiday. Hang in there Karen because at least your mom still goes out. My mom just sits in front of me and doesn't say a word, no reading, no puzzles, no TV, no radio, ugh!!! God Bless You Karen

I agree with a lot of others I was expected by the husband to give up my life for him entirely and now am glad I did not while he was alive or I would be just like him now that he is gone I kept up as many of my own interests as possible it was not my fault no one wanted to be around him when all he could talk about his health and now the burden of his care is off of me I have a full peaceful life. You can give your Mom a certain of your time but she has no right for you to give it all to her-if she is able she could volenteer even if it is to call shut-ins once a week or find something to do withherself-try to make a plan of separarting yourself from her constant needyness a little at a time maybe letting the answering machine get the calls for a period of time and increase it over time.

Great comments all around.

I called my mom's doctor today. We have an appointment tomorrow. My mom does not know about the phone call. I mentioned three things to her doctor..

1. Memory issues. My mom forgets appointments (I know we all do that once in a while), but a few weeks ago my one daughter and me and mom went to see a movie. After the movie I told my other daughter what we had seen. She said, "Hey mom, me and nan went to see that movie three days ago." I asked my mom and she said she had never seen the movie before. I know it was true because my daughter had discussed it three days ago with me, but when my mom said, "No, I didn't see it yet" I figured she hadn't. Also, like I said before, we live in her old house. She lived here for nineteen YEARS before we moved down here. She has slept over here twice and both times, in the morning after she woke up she said to me and my daughter, "Where are we? Have we been anywhere? I recognise the place, but..." When we told her she laughed and said, "Oh yes, silly me."

2. I also let her doctor know about the depression. I don't know if "just" saying that you want to hang yourself or that you wish you were with your deceased spouse automatically "qualifies" you to be labeled as depressed, but since I'm not the dr. all I can do is pass along the information.

3. I told the dr. that my mom is extremely lonely and overly dependent on me. I gave her specific examples of what has been happening (you of course already know them all. Lucky you or Poor you, depending on how you feel by now!) She said that my mother is probably in early stage dementia. I have heard of dementia, but is that the same thing as Alzheimer's? I will have to research to see.

The dr. ended up saying that she will put her on Aricept (a quick search looks like it's for Alzheimer's) and increase her Zoloft and recommend she see a psychiatrist. However, the dr. said not to expect too much in the way of behavior change. Just great. We both agreed it's going to be a hard road because my mother hates to take meds and says she is on too many right now. And you already know the nightmare of counseling/psychiatry. She won't go because they will "ask questions."

Well, once again, I want to thank you all for your outpouring of support. I hope I haven't bored you all to tears too much. I will take your advice. It's just difficult to break a forty five year old pattern in two days. I hope you understand.

I will let you all know what happens tomorrow.

Incidentally, I saw mom for about six hours yesterday and will be seeing her all day tomorrow. Her appointment is at 10:30am so I'm sure she will say, "Can I come over?" I don't have the heart (or is it guts?) to say no, but what I have done is taken some of your suggestions to heart....

When she called me today she said, "Will you please allow me to come over today?" I said, "I don't feel well today." This is true as I have been in bed all day until just now nursing a cold/flu whatever. She replied, "Well, I didn't mean right now. I meant later on." I felt like saying, "Hello? Did you not hear me? I said I don't feel good." But I didn't. Instead I said, "Like I said I don't feel good, but tomorrow you have an appointment and I will see you then." And tomorrow when she does stay over after the appointment I am going to spend a lot of my time upstairs. I can't keep babysitting her. Wow, it looks like I may be "growing a pair." Or (old habits creeping back now) is that I am a lousy daughter abandoning an old kind woman? Well, obviously the battle continues, but either way at least there is some positive movement, right?

It's all about setting boundaries and sticking to them. You know the old saying "strong fences make good neighbors" Well this applies to your situation with your mom. If you do not set some boundaries she will continue to encroach on your space. Soon you will not know where she ends and you begin. That is already starting to happen or you would not be taking the guilt trip you are on now. So start with small but careful steps like only visiting with her at pre-agreed times each week. Fill the visits with quality time by helping her recall the good things that happened in HER life rather than letting her live vicariously through you. And when you have things to do--like with your daughters--don't even share these with her. They are YOUR treasured memories. Make her find her own. But do all this gradually, so she won't suspect what you are up to and try to sabotage it. After a few months you should see improvement. If not in her disposition, certainly in yours. A measure of success will be that you begin to enjoy the quality time you spend with her and no longer feel guilty about the quantity.

When I first posted at the beginning of your question, I wrote assuming that your mother was losing it, mentally, and perhaps no longer in the "capable" column and that you'd have to assume some (more) responsibility for her. Your interactions with her give a good sense of the fight she has in her yet, and she is consciously playing you with her victim act. If she were of a more diminished mental state you probably could not expect her to change in the neediness dept.

From this exchange, it sounds like your mother has a lot of bats left in the belfry. And like most people, they don't like to be called on their act; they'll just dig in.

Coincidentally, last night's "Ugly Betty" dealt with just this problem. Betty's boyfriend was all about togetherness and loveydovy behaviors. The sequences quickly went from Betty lapping it up to wanting to strangle him. Her plot line is all about trying to reconnect him with previous passion, which was painting. This backfires on her in a hilarious way, but eventually she presses her point and he gets it. It's probably viewable on the abc pages or on Hulu.

Basically I think happiness is a choice. We can't depend upon our circumstances to dictate whether we're happy or not. That would be like living on a roller coaster. No, I believe true happiness comes from within. And for me and mine, that comes from the knowledge that as long as I'm doing what Christ wants me to, then everything else is inconsequential. God's opinion of me is the only one that matters. I will take my instruction from the Bible-
Philippians 4:11:
"I have learned - From God. He only can teach this. In everything, therewith to be content - Joyfully and thankfully patient. Nothing less is Christian content. We may observe a beautiful gradation in the expressions, I have learned; I know; I am instructed; I can."

I agree with SecretSister KarenP, you must make the change. But I certainly am glad that I found this site as well. I am constantly learning from you all. Thank You.

I tell you what people have told me. You cannot change your mother. And to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results is futile. She is pushing the buttons she created, and you are allowing it. As long as you keep worrying about her responses, making her mad, and pleasing her, you will stay stuck and not have a life. The many suggestions you have had above are all telling you the same basic thing: stop obsessing and start getting a life of your own without your mother. Go ahead. Rock the boat. The water's fine, come on in!

I quit answering the telephone when my mother calls. She is verbally abusive, and has a new guardian now, so she is no longer my responsibility. I don't have to care for her, and don't have to put up with her threats, accusations, criticisms, unreasonable demands, and unrealistic expectations.

I ask you this, who told you she is your responsibility? Hmmmmm. Why does she have that hold on you? Why do you ask for suggestions from others on this thread, then not follow through on them? Are you wanting permission to remain in an unhealthy situation?

You say you are unhappy. So change! Your mom won't. We can't tell you anything that will make her change. We can't tell you how to make your mother set boundaries. You HAVE to do this for yourself. You can choose to stay the same, not change, remain unhappy, and not do anything different. We can't change you, but if you won't, the complaints are confusing. Are you afraid to change? JUST DO IT!!! You don't do it expecting your mom to suddenly say, "That was a good idea!" or "My daughter is wonderful because she is setting boundaries and taking responsibility for her own life." Your mother won't say, "Boy, I sure am glad she made me do something different than just expect to have my demands met."

I wonder why we resist change at times? It is risky. What if things don't go well? What if... Don't let fear, or risking your mom's wrath and complaints keep you from taking healthy steps to take personal responsibility for your own life. You gave her that power. It's time to take it back.

It is not written anywhere that you are responsible for your mother's happiness or contentment or her for yours. You are only responsible for yours, and nothing you can do will change your mother's. You're not responsible to relieve her loneliness. You weren't born to be her social director. You can't relieve her depression.

So, instead of complaining of how she won't change, why not just go work on your business, and develop relationships with healthy individuals? (Sorry, but your mom is NOT in the category of healthy, and nothing you can do will make her that way.) Practice this phrase, "Sorry, Mom, I'm busy right now." "Sorry, Mom, my daughter needs me right now." "Sorry, Mom, I have work to do." (I'm not advocating total rejection) but you need to establish boundaries. It's OK. You'll live. It may feel weird to take responsibility for yourself, at first, but until you do, you will remain unhappy. Is that what you want?

Now, go make 2010 a great new year, make you a new you, and quit worrying about what mommy thinks. Don't let her dictate how you live your life by sucking the life out of you. Remember, the choice is yours, not your mom's. Like the song says, "Don't worry, be happy!"

Once again, thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to print them out and stick them on my wall and read them and act on all of your suggestions. And yes, I do hug my mother. She is actually a very physical person and loves getting hugs and giving hugs to people. I remember when we were in the hospital one day and a woman was crying. Complete stranger to me and mom. My mother walked over to her and put her arms around her. That is the type of person my mother is. She is wonderful, caring, loving, kind, generous in everything she does. The only "fault" is her over dependence.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor's with my 22 year old daughter. My mother went too. I started talking to my mom about spending time with her. I spoke with my daughter about spending a little less time with her too so I can get the business up and running.
I mentioned to my daughter that I spend "tons of time" with my mother and need to cut that a little too. My mother then gives me a nasty look and says, "What? Tons of time? That's not true. You do NOT spend tons of time with me." I said, "Mom, I do. I calculated that I spent 12 out of the past 15 days with you. I only see my daughter once or twice a week (the 22 yr old no longer lives at home)" My mother replied, "Yes, because that's what she wants." To which I FELT like replying, "Well guess what? I would LOVE to see you only once or twice a week, but you won't let me get by with only that will you?"

I used to see my mom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, but because she would complain that she "never saw" me I increased the amount of time I spent with her. I now see her on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays and go to EVERY SINGLE drs appointment she has (she is having a hard time remembering, so I go. I don't mind. It is my responsbility to do this), so it often ends up being five days a week sometimes. Complete and utter idiot that I am, I thought she would be happier now that she sees me more, but just to hear her complain again that I still don't see her enough really really angers and frustrates me to no end. What the hell does she want? Six days a week? Seven days a week? Me to follow her into the bathroom? At what point is enough, enough?

I remember her telling me that after we moved down here (NJ to here, VA) that people would say to her, "It's good your daughter is nearer so you can spend time with her." My mother would then come to me and say, "Ha, if they only knew that I hardly ever see you." My God, I saw her then three times a week.

It know it seems as if I am obsessed about this whole thing, and that is probably the case. It seems like I spend a good half of the day, if not more, either with my mother or dreading her coming over or replaying the stupidity of the fact that I can't see a movie without her.

Anyway, when we were at the doctor's office, both me and my daughter were encouraging my mother to invite people over to her house, do things at the church etc to which she replied, "I am not going to bother my neighbors. I see different cars coming and going there all the time. These people have families. I am not going to bother them. They don't bother with me or invite me anywhere." To which my daughter responded, "Nan. Just because they have families doesn't mean they don't want to see you." My mother's response? "If there was a noose hanging from that ceiling, I would hang myself. Why are you saying such hurtful things to me? If my house was nearer I would walk to it right now." It did NOT surprise me what she said at all. This is typical. There has never ever been any comprimising with her. She hears something she doesn't like, she's done. Do not talk about it. Don't you dare.

During this conversation I said to my daughter that we are going to see a movie together. Yeah, I know I shouldn't have. But I was just desparately begging for her to say, "Good for you. Enjoy yourself." I guess sometimes you can't help but beat your head up against the proverbial brick wall. If you are desperate for a parent's approval (I guess I was/am), then you keep thinking, maybe this time will be different/maybe they have wised up/maybe they have changed. Well, guess what? No such luck there.

After mentioning the movie thing to my daughter, my daughter said, "Hey mom, you know what I would like? I would like for just me and you to go on a vacation together." This meant of course that we would not be taking my other daughter, her boyfriend or...my mother. My mother then turned to me and my daughter and said, "You know what? I would never ever do this to my mother." I said to her, "Mom. What is so bad about me wanting to spend alone time with my own children?" She replied, "There is nothing bad. I am glad that you want to spend time with your children, some parents don't." In other words, huh???? I guess what she really meant was yeah Karen, it's really nice that you love your children so much and want to be with them, but go without me? Well, you are a terrible daughter now, aren't you?

I never go to my mother's house. She always comes here. Again, we are living in her "old" house (the one she moved out of). She would prefer to come here and "sit on your sofa and look at the photographs." Yesterday, while we were at the dr's office, she said "Look Karen. I don't run all over your house. I don't come there to get in the way." I told her, "Yes mom. I know. But I would rather you be somewhere else doing something with people and having fun rather than staring at the walls here." Of course, it made no difference.

I am really sorry that I keep venting, but you may not realize this: YOU ARE ALL KEEPING ME ALIVE RIGHT NOW. I am so unhappy about this and you are all helping me.

God Bless each and every one of you. If there are any more suggestions/comments I would welcome them. Like I said I am going to print them all out and act upon them.

Thanks,
Karen

ics , thank you . you made me feel better .
i toss and turned all night and couldnt sleep good .
my whole feelings inside was twisted and hurt and felt i must have said it the wrong way . but couldnt see how .
i would hug any old ladies that needs a hug . i miss my mom very much .
yes i would feel lost without my dad . i hope i can be strong , from what i was picturin all night long i think im gonna be torn up .
thank you for sendng your love to my way ..

lhardebeck, you have a right to your own opinion and I am sure you ARE a huggable kind of person and the hugging type too. Your father is very blessed to have you as a daughter. May your relationship with him continue to be acceptable to you until his dying day. I hope you will not feel too lost and lonely once he is gone. Sending love your way - lcs

Karen,
I can feel your pain, frustration and impatience. All are justifiable emotions. There is one, however, that you can now stop bowing to. And that is guilt. No one can "make you" feel guilty; you are doing that all by yourself. It is a wasted emotion. You are a wonderful daughter. Being wonderful does not mean being accessible 24/7. Have you ever listened to Dr. Joy Browne on the radio or internet? She has a wonderful saying, which goes something to the effect, you should not be surprised when you act like the welcome mat and someone is wiping their feet on you. Please don't take this as me trying to be mean or not understanding. But when we don't stand up for ourselves, even to our mothers, it just starts a spiral of our resentment and unhappiness. Do you really want to do this dance for years on end? Since you are starting your own business, I think when she calls (if it fits your situation) can't you tell her that you need to go on some business appointments? You can head her off at the pass when you speak with her and say, I am going to be busy running around and doing such an such so I won't be available for the next two days. How about I pick you up the following day at 4 pm, stay for supper, and then I'll have you home by (fill in the blank). You need to take control!!!! She is not going to stop demanding that you spend all sorts of time with her until you set the perameters and the rules! What about your children? Aren't they feeling a little bit resentful of grandmother? They are probably dreading for you to get old, fearful that you will act the same way she does. Stop listening to the sighs and wistful voice that your mother is using to manipulate you. She totally knows how to push your buttons. Yes, she may cry and get that pity party going for herself, but you just have to believe that eventually she is going to realize that she needs to play by your rules in order to get what she wants. It won't be easy to lay down the law with her at first, but try to detach yourself emotionally (this comes with practice), and stick to your script (whatever one you choose to use). Remember, you are a good person - you are entitled to have the life that you want, and that may mean not having your mom on your sofa on a daily basis. Try it! Go for it! You will be a lot happier once you do.

i am sorry if i said to hug your mom made an bad impressed .
i am a huggable kind of person .
i dont have a mom and when someone talks about thier mom ijust wanna go hug her .
again im sorry makin a bad impressions .

Karen, I am very impressed with all the helpful comments. I wished I had found this site a long time ago. My mom passed this last May and I miss her. I took care of her for 10 years after my dad's passing and your situation sounds a lot like what I went through. It was not so bad in the begining but the more I did for my mom the less she did for herself. She cut herself off from all her friends and family except me and tried many times to make me feel guilty. And she would succeed at times. I did learn that I could only do so much and that she was not going to change. But that I had me and my family to take care of as well. I promished her that I would keep her safe, comfortable and always love her but that I had a family and a life as well. Stick to your guns. You owe it to you and you girls to stay sane and healthy. You come first! Let your mom sit in your house. But tell her you have things to do and can not sit with her all the time. And than keep yourself busy. This is not easy but you very much need time away from your mom and time with you and your girls. You might try not telling her about things you plan to do without her. This way she can't make you feel bad about doing them. Also try limiting the times you ask her out for lunch and dinner. You are very lucky she is going to church and seems to still get around. You sound like a very warm and loving person and sometimes that can be to our disadvantage because we have a hard time saying no. Everybody loved my mom and it was always very madding when she would not try and be social with others. The last 6 months of her life I moved her into my home. It was not always easy. But I do not regret it. My husband and daughters were a big help. I also hired a caregiver to come in once to two times a week so that my husband could go out in the evening for a few hours. Mom did not like this to much but I stuck to my guns and it made it much easier to take care of her. Hang in there ,taking care of our parents is not easy. The one comment about hug your mom. I was not too impressed by what she had to say. But all the other comments are good I think. And you will be blessed.

What awesome and supportive answers on these posts! You Caregivers are the best!!!

Hi,

We went through something similar with my mother-in-law. The family said that she was being difficult.

Then, I had to take care of my Dad. I learned that he wasn't just being difficult. He was not able to take the actions needed to help himself. My father was diagnosed with a mild case of vascular dementia. He was gradually losing his ability to function in the real world.

So, now I look back at the issues with my mother-in-law and think that she may have been experiencing mild dementia, too. She looked like she could do things on her own, but she really couldn't.

Your mom's regular doctor may not want to diagnose dementia because he doesn't see a radical difference in her behavior. Anti-depressants are not a cure for anything. She may need to see a neurologist who can evaluate her ability to function.

Once you know, you will be able to make decisions and take action like looking for an assisted living facility or adult day care. Or, maybe your daughters can help so you can get some time alone. Your mom's behavior may not change but you will know that it is her, not YOU, that has the problem. You are a good woman in a difficult position.

Karen, I hope you are feeling less desperate now. You have been given wonderfully thoughtful advice by many caring people. You can sort through this advice and decide what to do. The choice is YOURS - you CAN take control. No one has suggested that you should abandon your mother but I believe all have said that you need to lead your own life and not feel guilty about doing it. Obviously your mother feels no guilt about stealing your life from you so you have to learn to feel no guilt about getting it back from her.

I truly feel sorry for your mother but if she makes you feel like you could hurt her, then there is something wrong with this picture. In one of your postings, you wrote that your father spent many hours with your mother but in another posting you said that he went off to university to take courses and that he didn't talk to her during a long journey with her. This leads me to believe that he was trying to escape her neediness also. It sounds to me like she has needed counselling for years. Just because your mother said you mustn't ever take her back to the psychologist because he asked questions, doesn't mean you have to listen to her. Would you listen to a child who didn't want to go to a doctor again if that child needed to see a doctor?

As I see it, you have to choose between using tough love or being an enabler. How did your mother ever come to believe that she even had the RIGHT to question who came to YOUR house? How long has she had this belief? She does this because she wants ALL of you and ALL of your time. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she treated your father in the same way. It seems to me that she totally lacks self-confidence so she absolutely clings to anyone that she manages to latch onto - like a leech.

I think she needs to change or the rest of her life will be totally miserable. I am nearly her age and I can't imagine going into old age feeling as she does. I know MY daughter wouldn't allow it!! She would take control and say lovingly but firmly "Mom, you are a sick puppy and you need help. I will take you for first interviews with two or three psychologists (or counsellors) and you get to choose which one you want to stick with to help you get better."

Karen, please stop making excuses for your mother and stop letting her boss you around. This is good for neither of you. BUT it is YOUR choice. Changes could be made and a year from now you could each be leading such different lives that you BOTH would ENJOY being together two or three times a week to discuss what's happening. :-) Or you can allow things to continue as they are. :-( My hope for you is that you choose the former rather than the latter. May you be granted the wisdom and the strength to do what is best for everyone concerned. With love, lcs

This is exactly why adult senior centers, senior housing, and assisted living started! At one time our society functioned on nuclear families, here we all lived either in the same house (the Waltons) or in the same area. And, at that time there were fewer demands made on people outside of the family unit. There are reasons that worked...and why we have moved to the retirement options. We are social creatures. We were not designed to live "alone". Mom needs more opportunities to socialize.

When someone mentioned finding her a "home", that didn't mean that the only option was a nursing home. That is no longer the case. There are BEAUTIFUL senior independent facilities as well as assisted living facilities. I agree with one writer who said that most seniors are resistant to moving, but once they are there, they LOVE the interaction!!

You have reached the end of your rope! You have even mentioned that you were afraid that you might hurt her. Please, take a break for yourself. No one will benefit from this continued spiral. You are entitled to some time for you, but Mom is also entitled to respect and loving support. You just don't have that available in your "bag of tricks" right now!!!

I wish you much luck and support to help the both of you right now!!!

I really feel for you - it sounds like you little mother is so lonely and you are her best friend - capture that - when she is gone you will really miss her.

Maybe it would help if you had a set time for her to be there with you, say, she could come over for dinner, help with the kitchen clean up and then either go home, go for a walk with you or one of the kids or help the kids with homework. She needs to know when you need YOUR TIME to do your work, etc. and you shouldn't feel guilty if you and the kids go out to do something that she can't attend.

Try to keep a good attitude and get some ME TIME for yourself and also, consider getting some counceling since this is so difficult for you right now. It's OK to be frustrated...

Pray, a lot!

Well, she could be living WITH YOU or YOU WITH HER 24/7. What got my mom off this dead zone was...Zoloft. Took about a week, then I had a spark to work with.

this sounds like many of the stages I went through with Mom (I moved in with her to care for her almost 8 years ago), where I made demands that she SHOULD... wash her own dishes, take a shower (after 3 weeks), make activities for herself, call her friends. She could NOT do any of those, but I nagged her to do them. Ultimately, I had to do them for her. Other phases of me demanding, and she's driving me CRAZY damn it, is to wipe using the toilet, to flush the toilet, to put on a pad, to used the remote control to lower the volume instead of covering her ears. Dozens of little behaviors...she could no longer do, no matter how many times I described WHY and HOW.

So, she has Alzheimer's...and there are phases they just cannot do any more. And I had to accept it. Then I felt more at peace.

Each time it was "easier" to just admit she was incapable and do it for her. Activities, I finally decided I'd REALLY set things up to do and see what she would like, which is interact with nature and seeing music being played. I built her a squirrel feeding table set into a bar across the kitchen door. And she throws peanuts to her babies while I make breakfast. She CAN throw peanuts and googoo to her babies. And I like doing this also.

Once I found she conducted along to compelling classical music (a favorite activity of mine), I started to collect DVDs, especially the Andre Rieu ones where he speaks in English. I love seeing those videos, dozens of times. Mama Mia we've seen dozens of times. Start renting videos and see what strikes her fancy. Do your chores and pop in and out and make comments about the video. Sing along with Dancing Queen.

Conversation, there is none here. Lucky to get a yes/no or have her choose between juice/milk. Lucky to get a "isn't that cute," "Those are my Babies," and "I think I have to go to the bathroom" out of her. Conversation is me putting words into the kats' mouths, into the parakeets' mouths, and making a comedy routine out of it. I include her in on the joke. What I did is create an artificial life to talk about to interact with...a fabricated society of pets. So find something outside of your self that you create in the home. If you have a cable TV recorder box, record programs like music specials and keep the ones she resonates with.

You might hire a teen afterschool companion for your mom to do things with her out of the house. Pay for them both to go to the movies or hear "The Messiah" or go to the petting zoo. She may get attached to her companion and have something external to talk about. Or she may not be capable of it any more. What are her meds like, any cause drowsiness? Bet she has 2-3 like Mom does. Perhaps you can try a 2 week test of "without" to see if your Mom perks up.

Those who can't see the forest for the trees have a hard time accepting this. I think this dear lady is trying, but it takes a while for the light to peak through where she "see" and can hear the truth. She definitely needs help to make the changes necessary to break the patterns that have her bound. (Actually some are needier than others, but we do need each other at times on this journey.) What you are all saying is correct, and very important. Bless you dear fellow Caregivers who take the time to respond with your wisdom and practical advice! And bless the dear ones struggling with similar situations... Our prayers are with you.

Karenp,
PLEASE stop feeling guilty. YOU are in control and you will have to get a thick skin. I have been through the same thing with my Mother, and she will ALWAYS try to make me feel guilty. You CANNOT CHANGE HER, so you have to change yourself. Do not allow her to dictate your life. My Mother is now in assisted living and her dementia is such that she sometimes remembers how many times a week I have been there and sometimes not. You will have to "wean" yourself from her. Your current family needs you and your time. If she lives by herself, see if there is a senior day care that will come pick her up, she could use some socialization, but you can't make her go. If she does go into assisted living, don't go see her every single day. As long as she can depend on your company and yours only, she will. She will, maybe after a few months, get used to the idea and get used to others. You will actually be doing her a favor by spending less time with her. STOP FEELING GUILTY RIGHT NOW!!

Karen, I am not a psychologist, but re: the issues with your daughter's boyfriend and other visitors in your house. Try putting it in this perspective: for a moment, don't think of her as your mom. Think of her as a controlling, stalking, abusing boyfriend. They shut everyone out of your life so you are their "only". Then you have no friends or resources to fall back on when the abuse gets bad. Now, I'm not saying your mother is going to start physically abusing you, but she IS emotionally abusing you. She is controlling, manipulative, and it is happening because YOU are enabling her. Back away. The answering machine is a great idea. If listening to her pleas drives you crazy, do you have caller ID? Turn off the answering machine when you see her calling and just let it ring. Also, it's been said her before many times, Boundaries, Boundaries. Set them. Keep them. Give her your schedule of when you will visit: MWF 10-12 or something. Stick to the schedule. When the time is up, leave. Try a different approach with the church. Rather than trying to get her to go out to activities, see if they have people who will go to her house and visit. With my mom, I hired a lady one day/week to sit with her and just talk. It did wonders for getting mom's mind out of herself and onto other people's lives.

karenp, is your mom's jealousy and demandedness new? Sounds like it's beyond depression. Are your familiar with Narcissism or NPD? Just a thought. Google it...

My mother-in-law will never do anything with anyone except family. The good news is, she would rather be alone apparently then make new friends. She never has been sociable like her deceased husband was. She always said all she needs is her family. We go to a small community church and make sure she goes with us. They have a senior lunch once a week that either my husband or I make sure she attends. Because of her macular degeneration, she can't see faces anymore, so it's especially hard for her to socialize. The only way she would ever get out to be around strangers is, for me to take her. There are things I would rather be doing, but it's important she's around people her own age. I know she only goes for my sake, and I only do it for hers. ha. She never has had a 'friend' before and knows nothing as to how to make friends or be a friend for that matter. My sister-in-law and I have been her best friends now for 2 years, and she is just now at (85) learning about friendship.
I am sorry Karen that your mother is depressed, but like I said you've got to get a thicker skin. There is no reason why you should tell her any specifics as to where you're going with your daughters. You're going to be busy all day, period. Maybe you should take your girls, or go by yourself and get away for a few days. Take a mini vacation of sorts, and leave her to her own devices. Tell her you'll miss her too, but that it's a done deal you're going to be gone. Unless she's suicidal, I don't see the harm of leaving her alone for a few days. Anyway, just a thought.

Well thanks again everyone for caring enough to respond. You are all fantastic to take the time out of your busy lives to try to help.

Yes, my mom does live alone. We moved from NJ to VA in 2006, the year following my dad's passing. Me and my adult daughters actually live in her "old" house. She bought a new one and lives only ten minutes away from us. I know that my mom would probably love nothing better than to live with us, but I don't think we could take it. Whenever she is here, she literally looks at me waiting for me to talk. I often find myself staring at the wall, thinking "Say something, anything, she's waiting for you to talk, just talk about how white the walls are ...anything!"

My mother will not go to counseling. I actually told my counselor about the interplay between me and my mom and he suggested I just bring her in, so I did. He spoke with her alone for a few minutes (I had to lie and tell her that he wanted to meet everyone in the family or she would not have gone). When my mom came out she said, "Don't ever bring me back here again. He asked me questions." My mother is a VERY private person. She won't reveal personal information about herself to anyone.

She displays all of the classic symptoms of depression, but refuses to believe she is depressed. I spoke privately with her physician who said that based upon my description she was depressed. Because my mother could not possibly accept the fact that she was depressed (flawed in her mind, I guess), the doctor went out on a limb and said that the medication was prescribed for depression but would help her with her hip pain (she had hip replacements done on both hips and walks with a cane). If the dr. had just said it was for depression, my mom would have said that she was not depressed and would not have taken it!

I contacted the area on aging here. They said that there is a church mom could go to from 10-12pm for lunch. I asked/begged mom to go. Her response, "No Karen. You know I don't eat lunch that early. I'm not going." (She eats breakfast about 11 and lunch about 2 or 3pm).

She is immovable. When she says no, she won't shift. I know that with my own children I try to compromise on some things, but with my mother there has never been any compromising.

She truly does love her priest. He is a great guy. But I have told many people at the church to call her/invite her to things, but she either won't go or will go only intermittently.

The problem is that there are so many empty hours in her day. If she wakes up at 8 and goes to bed at 10, that is 98 hours each week. If I see her 20 hours, there's still 68 hours left. If she busies herself for 8 hours (shopping, hairdressers), there's still 60 hours left for her to do nothing.

Sheri, thanks for saying mom is lucky to have me. I often feel like a horrible cruel daughter for not wanting to spend every waking minute with her! And I would love it if she would go to assisted living or something similar, but she won't. Again, she said that those places are only "for people whose family does not want them anymore." So for her, it would be me abandoning her.

The problem is that I cannot fill the void my dad left. She mourns him and trust me, so do I. They were very close (no surprises there, right?!) and spend many hours together. But I can't fill his shoes. My dad wanted to spend every day of his life with my mom, but I don't want to.

I don't think that any of you are psychologists, but can any of you think why my mom would act like she did in these scenarios:

1. My daughter's boyfriend moved in here about eighteen months ago and my mom constantly complains that I "take care of him." I really don't do anything wonderful for him, but she says I do a lot for him. I don't understand why she is so jealous.

2. Also, I know from experience I can't really have people over here when she is here because she will complain that I "have so many people in the house." I really don't. It's just that she has no one in her house because she never invites anyone over. Funny thing is that they're NOT my friends. They are nineteen, twenty year olds. They are my kids friends, NOT mine. I told my mom this and she said, "I don't believe you." Yeah right, I am a friend to a 17 year old single parent. Me, a 45 year old woman. I am just polite to them and yes I talk to them sometimes. Can you guess why? Yes! Because they actually talk to me! I can't very well ignore them, can I?

3. Also, my daughter's boyfriend asked if his sister could come over. She did. My mom almost flipped because she was here when my mother was not.

Can anyone put their thinking cap on and tell me what any of those three things could mean?

She does not want me to ever go see a movie without her. I told her I don't go without her and she does not believe me. Why can't I see a movie without her? Why can't I go on a vacation without her? Why can't I bring people over to the house? It's like she wants me all to herself.

Sorry for making this so long...again. But I TRULY TRULY APPRECIATE YOU ALL, and I really value you all.

Thanks,
Karen

Karen,

Your mother is being emotionally manipulative and you are going to have to have the strength to put a stop to it. She is laying a big guilt trip on you and you are getting drawn in deeper and deeper. I'm not saying never spend time with her, but you do need to tell her when you have time available and when you do not. It is her choice to be a burden, but you are allowing her to be one. Do not let her have so much power over your life. I can tell you are at your wits end. I remember Dear Abby responding to someone years ago in a similar situation that "you can't be taken advantage of by another person unless you allow it". I think your mother needs some tough love and you deserve a break and the chance for more control over you life. Get tough and good luck!

KarenP, at some point I think you're gonna have to grow a thicker skin. It sounds like you do many things for and with her already. First I would reach out to her church and see if there's a senior group. If there is, then talk to the person who runs it, and ask for help. If your mother is as nice as you say she is, then there has got to be some other seniors there that would like to spend time with her. And when someone DOES call and ask her to do something, tell her to go with them because you're unavailable all day. She will have to make the decision, but it's ultimately hers to make. And you know what they say about guilt, 'It's the gift that keeps on giving' so quit driving yourself crazy. Your mom has probably always acted like this when she wanted something, so nothing is really new. I would also give her a warning, tell her that you can see her today, but tomorrow you're tied up. Then she won't hold out hope to see you, and that will give her time to process the fact that she will be alone that day. Also, I'm not sure she really wants to entertained at your house. Maybe she just wants something else to think about and look at. You didn't say whether she still lives alone, if she does I would think about getting her into a retirement/asst.living place to relieve the loneliness a little. Good luck. And give yourself a break from the guilt.

Karen,
It seems like your Mom can use some help, of the professional variety. Is sounds as though your Mom has some deep issues and would benefit from counseling. Has her doctor ever suggested this? It may require that the doctor go so far as to "insist" that she needs to "be evaluated" and that would at least get her in the door of a mental health professional. Based on your description, I'd enlist the support of her pastor as well. While counseling might help your Mom deal with her fear of being alone, at the same time, her pastor can help her to become involved at the church.

Your Mom is very lukcy to have you as her daughter. What you are handling isn't easy. You need to make sure that you provide yourself with some distance from the situation too, like many of the other comments suggest. In some communities, there is a "friendly visitor" program. Call your local Area Agency on Aging or Eldercare hotline and see if this exists near you.

Finally, the transition to senior housing is often difficult. My blog has a number of articles about this which you might find helpful. I frequently find myself working with families like yours, and while the process may take some time, once your Mom can "own" the idea of transitioning to a different living situation, she might be willing to give it a try. Since it sounds like she is able to make decisions for herself, it is important that you allow her the dignity to be a part of the solution and don't fall into the trap of taking over and saying "this is how it's going to be."

Hang in there.

-- Sheri