Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
i had the same situation with a brother who needed constant care, he didn't want to go outside his place despite living in a small mobile home area, you cannot make these family members do anything, so you tell mom this is the way it's going to be, there are boundaries, (believe me i learned by having my grown daughters let me know there are boundaries in our relationship)
and we all became happier knowing what they are!, mom may not like it, but she will know where she stands, all people need to know what boundaries are in any relationship, not knowing causes confusion, unhappiness etc. and keep reminding her gently when she tries to manipulate you, keep reminding her always until she gets it, don't let the comments, or sighs to affect you, have you watched "the secret" it keeps me happy and in tuned about my relationship with people and the world around me. i have been in your place, i did what i could for and with my brother that i could and did not let myself get beaten up mentally or physically. our loved ones have choices, you don't get this, your mom is making the choice to live her day without friends, and trying her best to make you do things you don't feel good about, realize this and your life will become what you want it to be, try it, you and your mom and daughters will be happier when you put yourself first and in perspective.
peace & joy!
Please listen to your friends if it is at ALL possible for you to avoid having your mother move in with you. Your friends see the picture with an emotional detachment that you can't but if you don't think you can handle her moving in with you (even before such a move has taken place!!) then, it doesn't sound like a good idea to me. You didn't say WHY she wants/has to move in with you but if different arrangements are financially possible, then make those arrangements and then remain a loving daughter who visits her mother, takes her out, etc. as often as possible. You say you have noticed that your mother is not happy, regardless of what you give so just do the best you can and avoid some unhappiness yourself. (I am speaking from personal experience with the same type of mother - not just blathering on.) Take care.
B
i read your story. you are an angel!! don't beat yourself up for all you do. take the time for your family. it is so much easier giving advise than trying to help ourselves. i am realizing this as i am writing to you. my mom just ask to move in with me yesterday and i was crying before i saw her, i just don't think i can do it-my friends who know my struggles for years have told me that it is the wrong decision to have her with me. so you are giving so much...much more than me i feel bad, but it is your life and your childrens precious time, you don't get this time back. you need to make more time for the girls, they are your responsibility. i have noticed my mother is not happy no matter how much i give so at the end of the day does it matter???
good luck..
(i am new to agingcare, i hope it is helpful)
i have dad and i cherrish every moments i have with him now and while he s around .
yes we get tired and cranky and venting out but when time comes ur heart is empty and you grief so much and not knowing what to do with yourself . just feel so lost .
i imagin my life without dad i tell you i felt so lost ! so i appreacte havin him around . first 9 mos it was rough and now its not so bad , he doesnt feel good and i know its just a matter of time .
I'm in a better frame of mind today since my last post. The waves of frustration, joy, sorrow, guilt and exhaustion will come like the tide. It's not easy at all being a 24/7 caregiver for a parent. I commend everyone here and thank all of you for the friendship you show.
I'm not going to single anyone out, I just want to say that we all have the right to vent, cry, scream, laugh, suggest and listen. This site provides that for us. Finger pointing, guilt tripping any one of us, in my opinion, is wrong.
I'm sorry my situation is not ideal, and I wish I could make it perfect. Life is not perfect. I know that I will not put my family in the same situation I currently am in. It's about quality of life, not quantity. FrancisP, has expressed my personal wishes. My mother does not feel the same and I will continue to care for her as I have been. Trying to improve her quality of life is a challenge everyday. All I can do is suggest. I do know that we're all compassionate or we wouldn't be on this site to begin with.
God bless all of you!
Sounds like spending time with your mother is a full-time job in itself. All that emotional blackmail -- the guilt trips your Mom sends you on --, will continue to suck the life out of you until you put your foot down. Rewinding the tape of your existence every 24 hours and realizing you have nothing to show for it except spending 4-8 hours every day talking to a wall doesn't do much for anyone's self-esteem. Particularly when they have goals (dreams with deadlines) to attain; like starting your own business.
My suggestion is this: start it now, and make her a part-time employee. She'll get to spend time with you while at the same time making herself useful. Make her an offer she can't refuse: either that or she can "veggie" at home waiting to see if you have time to drop by to check up on her. No doubt she'll start seeking company and entertainment elsewhere, as you have suggested on many occasions. Let us know how it goes, especially the new business.
-- ED
Same with seniors caught up in nursing home or stuck at home with caregiver all the time. I'd feel the same way.
Remember - you are NOT responsible for another person's feelings. I think you should tell your mother what you have written in your latest post. Again, it is back to what you are permitting to own (relative to your mother's comments). You need to grow some brass ovaries, and when she does the pout, sigh, whine, moan, crying and pity-partying, just let her know that you can appreciate how she feels - however, you need to take care of certain things during the day, and you hope she understands that (even though she says she won't). The emotional blackmail technique she uses (well, if you don't want to see me on MY terms I will go away) then say I am really sorry you feel that way. I will certainly miss you if you went away, but I will call you to check on you. Who on earth is going to spend one moment with her if you are not around??? Do you think for one moment that she will not want to reconnect with you? It is sure worth trying! She will get over her childish behavior pretty quick. Remember - brass ovaries!!!
i feel for you , you are seeing and feeling what your moms feelings are . i would be hurt too if my daughter doesnt want to see me everyday . you are all she has and she likes to be in her old home which u are living in it .
i dont go anywhere either , sit inmy home 24-7 with my 86 yrs old dad . yes ill run to store or once in a great while i ll go out if my daughter stays here with him . yesterday i told my daughter i need to get out ofhere and i left for a long drive about an hr .
my dad doesnt talk either if he is talkin its all jumble mumble . today he spoke a lit bit i ask him whats wrong dad ?
he said im homesick . his home is in fla . he s here indiana with me .
i told him i ll take him down there one day when he feels up to the trip . dr just called and said dad has uti again so i need to run to cvs and pick up his meds .
dad is all i have and i enjoy havin him here with me .
you need a break and your daughter could sit with ur mother for a while . after all it used to be her home and she s home sick like my dad is .
u describe her life while back and its not a happy good life , of course she doesnt say anything cuz her whole life is not something she wants to talk about . not a happy memories .
let her stare off space and you go do what you want to do .
she is not required to be watched over 24-7 . my dad is , i cant leave him here alone .
maybe it makes her happy she can sit in ur house while u go run off , unless u trust her alone in your home ?
its normal to godo what ya want cuz if its not 24-7 care then u better go do it now before it becomes 24-7 ...
alixcase, thanks for your kind words.
Mo, I wish I could come up with a schedule with my mom, but everytime I have mentioned coming up with a schedule that takes care of her need to see me a lot (understandable) and my need to take care of a house, try to get work etc, i.e time away from mom too (equally understandable), she resents the fact that I don't want to see her every day. She says to me, "Karen, if that's the way you feel (not wanting to see her every day), then I will go away. I won't come over your house anymore. You can be with YOUR family." Of course, mom is my family too. I would LOVE to have an honest and open discourse with my mother, but cannot. I have never been able to. If she doesn't like the subject or doesn't want to take about it, well guess what? It ain't happenin'. Sad but true.
I would love to say, "Hey mom, I know you want to spend eight, ten, twelve hours a day with me, but I just can't do it. It doesn't mean I hate you, it doesn't mean I don't love you, but I also want to be able to have some time without you so I can do things that I want to do too." But if I were to say that she would be offended. I would love to be able to communicate honestly with her, but it ends up with her angry and unhappy, so there is no point.
I feel so very sorry for my mother. She is so loving and kind and compassionate, but she just won't talk. I am not the only one who feels that way. She just sits there and stares into space waiting for someone to say something to her so she can talk. It's like there is a padlock on her mouth which can only be opened by other people. I want things to change. I really do.
I think I am FINALLY (with all of your group effort here nudging me towards the realization) accepting that what I want and what I have are two different things. If I had a brother or sister or we had any family at all, my mother would have other people in her life besides me, me, and oh yeah, me. If my mother would be willing to go to the senior centers like other elderly people do, and would be willing to socialize with them, it would be great. Not gonna happen. Everytime I mention her doing something on her own, she says, "Oh Karen, stop pushing me away. I feel like you don't want me." This after me spending five days a week with her. Realization of how ridiculous she is being? Not going to happen.
I am giving myself the freedom to love my mother, take her to all of her appointments (38 within the past three months), see her the majority of the week (four days is a majority), and not see her the minority of the week (the other three days). I am going to spend as much time as I can with her, but I have to be happy too. Again, I would prefer to see her one to two days a week. She wants seven. I"ll settle at four. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy.
I am not going to push my mother to do anything anymore without me. She doesn't want to be pushed, even though I was pushing to give her a social life. She loves people but won't talk around them too much and surely won't do any activities without me. But I am going to live my life both with and without her. I was thinking more about her anger at me talking to her about taking my daughters to the movies without her, and I realized how crazy she must feel inside to resent me spending time with my own children. That's sad.
My mother is near eighty. I don't know how long I have with her, but I do want to see her and love her. I also want to do things without her. It's only normal...
It is very hard to deal with this kind of guilt - I know, I deal with it too. But you need to take care of yourself too, and that is your first responsibility. It's like on planes - they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, then worry about your kids or others. This is not being selfish, it is being sensible. You cannot be expected to work 24/7 at any job, and that includes your parents.
Yes, you are lucky she's still with you. But that does not mean you have to sacrifice your sanity and your kids' needs just so she won't be bored.
Take care and cut yourself a huge slice of self-compassion.
Bobbie, you made me chuckle - so what REALLY was in that 7am beverage? :-)
Oh wait, it's almost 7am my time. I'm off for a beverage before Mom wakes up!!
Be good to yourselves,
Bobbie
My goodness, why so judgmental? Not everyone has fairy dust sprinkled over them and their families. Compassion is not defined by being a doormat and not seeing the reality of what is the fight and struggle. No, you do not always receive back what you put out, especially when dealing with a loved one who has deficits in cognitive skills and physical illness. All of our situations are different. You are correct when you say no one can drive you crazy - but sometimes the old tapes are difficult to tear apart. I have compassion for the person who is not able to say no, who is juggling a job, children, husband and a sick parent or two. The role of a parent is to guide and nurture their child to spread their wings and leave the nest. It is also a choice to have children. You should make the sacrifices and nurture and do all the "motherly" tasks when you are a mother. But let's be real - not all mothers are the Norman Rockwell version of a mother. Just as all adult children are not made for the care giver role. So what if she is annoyed (with) and resentful of her mother. Those are her feelings within the context of her experience. She (Karen or dtFlex or whomever) is entitled to have her own life. There is no need to put down Karen or Dtflex.
Dtflex, well said!
Good luck on your journey since you are evidently traveling a different road than I.
I do think you still need to put some limits on the every day visits, but if she is willing to help you out with some tasks when she is allowed to come, she could relieve some burdens and make your tensions much less as you concentrate on your business.
My Dad is slightly older than she is (80) and it is just impossible to get him to volunteer or go outside a small circle of family and perhaps a few friends. I don't understand this, but it's them at their age, and they aren't going to change now.
Good luck to you. Take good care of yourself, your Mom would want you to.