Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
I have a similar situtation only that my Mom lives with me, my husband, and 3 boys under the age of 11. She has severe copd congestive heart failure and diabetes. She has gotten worse over the past year, and wants my full attention. It is very hard cuz I do have a family also. I feel guilty planning a night away becuz I know she will freak out. When Im not around she gets panicky even if my other sister is taking care of her. Somedays I feel like I cant do this anymore. My Mom also does alot for me money wise and such, so its hard to feel the feelings of resentment and anger. But I cant be there 24/7. just wanted to let you know you are not the only one with these feelings. Take care.
1. If she goes to church every week, talk to your priest (or church leader) and see if they have anything that she could get involved with. If not, encourage them to start something and have THEM recruit your mom to help organize it.
She needs to find something that she can rely on other than you.
2. Set limits. Explain how much you love her, but that you need time for your business. For example, you can come over from 10 am until 1 pm. STICK TO THEM. Limites that are not enforced are not effective.
3. You are not a doormat. If you do not want your mother at dinner, say, "Sorry mom, but this is a special occasion for just ____. But, I look forward to seeing you again tomorrow at 10 am!"
4. Hobbies - if she doesn't have one, get her one. Even if it's watching old movies or listening to books on tape. Not only will it take up her time, but you'll feel less guilty about not being with her all the time.
5. Speaking of guilt --- you must not blame yourself. I'm sure you're a wonderful daughter, but everyone has their limits.
Good luck!
I wonder if there isn't something else going on with your mother? It's odd that she isn't able to be alone in her own home; odd that she can't keep herself occupied and odd that she won't speak unless spoken to. Perhaps she is forgetting things and feels most comfortable with you and your daughters because she knows you'll generate conversation. I know of several people who hid the early symptoms of dementia by making small talk about the immediate - the weather, the quality of the food, a flower arrangement, a blouse, etc.... Can you talk with her physician about doing tests for memory loss or dementia? Even hearing or sight loss due to cataracts can have negative impacts on her desire to get out. If she has aches and pains or forgets to take her meds without prompting that can be enough for a physician to recommend moving to an assisted living facility.
As for your guilt, all I can say is, get used to it. If you accept that you're going to feel guilty then it's easier to handle. Give yourself permission to let it go after 30 minutes or find some other approach that works for you. Even if your mom is comfortable and in an assisted apartment where aides are kind and affectionate, you'll feel guilty each time you leave and go to your own home. You'll probably feel like she feel abandoned - and she might and she might tell you so. No one will take as good care of our parents as we do and, because we know our mom's rely on us, we WANT to be there. However, we can't give up our own jobs and ability to save for our old age. Would your mom really want that? Probably not. If you learn that something physical is going on then you should feel less guilty - it's the disease or the aging process NOT your mom and so you should not feel guilty if you do all you can. Your emotional well being is important to you (obviously), to your daughters and to your mom. If you don't get time to rejuvenate how can you be kind and loving to her? Good luck and know that others are in the very same boat, just don't let your guilt sink yours!!