Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
naheaton, I do go to the gym, but men are there too-not that I'm opposed to men being there! I don't go to church, but could do some activities there true.
My sister is back in the hospital for the second time and now it's just me and my moms care giver however now I have to go sleep at my moms house (in her room in the recliner) nightly because my mom says she "feels safe" with me there. Of course she is constantly asking me to get this, get that, do this, do that, the entire time so I get very little sleep. My sister and her family live there with my mom, (that's an entirely whole nother story) but my mom still calls on me.....all the time....
My sister had gastric bypass surgery 6 years ago and now her colon is all twisted and is causing a lot of pain. Last time she went to the hospital, just before Christmas, her husband came and picked up their daughter and brought her to the hospital to be with her mom, therefore I had no help and had to remain at my moms house for 5 days and nights. When the ambulance came the first time, I'd just left there after staying there 4 days, turned around and had to go back for another 5. So while my sister was having a nice vacation in the hospital, I was pulling my hair out and just about going crazy as I was in the middle of trying to find another care giver for my mom. Thank God she has one that we both really agree on liking this time.
This time when my sister went to the hospital, they did the same thing said call Pamela and there I went again. Although this time I called the agency and got help for today, Sunday, I'll still have to go over there tonight @ 7 and stay the night again, and keep doing that until my sister is released. By the way, my sister never even called to tell us, I just called around 3 different Kaisers to find where, and if she'd been admitted. Her not being there puts a real strain on me as I'm already there for 3 days and nights already.
I just got notification that my mom was approved for Medical though, and that will be a relief for me because if I have to keep doing everything myself without help from my sister or her family, I will have to put my mom in assisted living. I have 2 sons that I'm still trying to get straight as well and I have to work with them too.
I've learned a lot from this forum though and as everyone says it's good to know that you're not alone and although every case is different, we all have the same feelings and that let's me know that I'm not totally losing it, although sometime I do feel like I am.
KarenP when you find time for yourself, as I hope to do as well, we will find time for those others as well. Right now there's so much on my mind with my mom, I'd just like to work it all out so that I can be as ease if you know what I mean.
Again, I want to thank you all for all of your help. You have all been so kind with your words and intentions.
I know some of you have posted to my "wall." Well, guess what, today, for the very first time I actually found out that I had a wall! I will respond to each of you who took time out to write on my wall and sorry for the delay.
Today I actually feel better. I feel like I am in control and it is NOT a bad thing to want to do things without your mother. It is a normal, healthy thing.
I write this to myself as well: some things we can control, and some things we can't. Those that we can (ourselves) we do. Other people, we cannot. It's easy for me to forget that at times, until I'm painfully reminded.
I think the hardest thing for me, (besides fear of the unknown) is dealing appropriately in a crisis situation. When I'm being asked to act quickly or make difficult decisions during a panic moment, I sometimes have a hard time knowing what to do in new situations. I grew up in a very volatile and abusive home, and don't do well during personally confrontational situations, either. They fill me with anxiety. Subsequently, I become anxious when anticipating a situation (fear). I lose my reasoning power, and clear thinking at times of duress. (That happens when dealing with my mother.) I've come to expect it, so now, have learned, and am learning ways to deal with her more effectively, and see her actions for what they are (also fear-based). She always was difficult to deal with, and I'm told by Physicians that she will become worse in times. We are seeing that, so have no doubt there.
What I am doing though, is getting counseling for myself, and surround myself with loving supportive people and good books. The feedback from this site helps as well. I am not the "bad girl" my mother says I am. She has a problem with multiple Personality Disorders, and I'm educating myself about those, and learning how to deal with them (mostly by distance). I love the distance from her! It's renewing and healthy for me to not be in the constant battle with her. Though I love my mother, I cannot be her caregiver anymore. Her bitter spirit and critical complaining is not good for me to be around. I am thankful that she now has a public guardian who deals with her. I am free to go back to living my life, rather than trying to live trying to please an unreasonable tyrant.
I resisted the court taking over, but now am glad it happened (for the sake of my sanity). I have governmental takeover of anything, most especially my own family. But mother was a handful, and her toxicity was damaging to my marriage, to the peaceful raising of my young son, and my own well-being. Why sacrifice myself any longer? I pray for mom, and hope she gets the care she needs, but know that the other person will have difficulties with her as well. Mom is only happy having her way, and that is not possible in all circumstances. She is cognitively incapacitated, and have many problems. I don't envy anyone having to deal with her. Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. Neither of us has to put up with her outrageous abuse any longer. Though I love my mother, and tried to do everything I could for her, my best was never "good enough" in her eyes. Nothing I did pleased her. I am feeling somewhat relieved to have someone else on the "hot seat." We'll see how things go...from a distance.
I, too, have been helped through things from this site, Karen. Hope you find all the tools you need to navigate the difficult situation you're in. May God guide and bless you!
P.S. Just for the record: I do not advocate to ANYONE that they obtain guardianship. It is a last resort, only. You won't like the results, on the governmental intrusion into your family. We have learned the hard way. We also had no other option. Obtain POA if at all possible for your loved ones, well in advance of a problem. (I realize that is not always possible, as well.) Take care!
Your statement, "I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore" concerns me.
I urge you to see a doctor for yourself and ask if you may have depression. You also may want to see a counselor about how to work through the guilt you feel with your mother. She knows how to make you feel guilty. If she has dementia, a doctor can help with that, and you can find ways to get help for her. However, if sounds like she gets along fine with others and doesn't have memory problems. One thing to ask yourself is how new this behavior is. Knowing that will help a doctor with a diagnosis.
It's easy to tell someone they don't need to feel guilty, but it's hard for the person with the feeling to drop it. Please seek some help for yourself, as well as your mother.
Carol
I do think you still need to put some limits on the every day visits, but if she is willing to help you out with some tasks when she is allowed to come, she could relieve some burdens and make your tensions much less as you concentrate on your business.
My Dad is slightly older than she is (80) and it is just impossible to get him to volunteer or go outside a small circle of family and perhaps a few friends. I don't understand this, but it's them at their age, and they aren't going to change now.
Good luck to you. Take good care of yourself, your Mom would want you to.
Good luck on your journey since you are evidently traveling a different road than I.
Dtflex, well said!
My goodness, why so judgmental? Not everyone has fairy dust sprinkled over them and their families. Compassion is not defined by being a doormat and not seeing the reality of what is the fight and struggle. No, you do not always receive back what you put out, especially when dealing with a loved one who has deficits in cognitive skills and physical illness. All of our situations are different. You are correct when you say no one can drive you crazy - but sometimes the old tapes are difficult to tear apart. I have compassion for the person who is not able to say no, who is juggling a job, children, husband and a sick parent or two. The role of a parent is to guide and nurture their child to spread their wings and leave the nest. It is also a choice to have children. You should make the sacrifices and nurture and do all the "motherly" tasks when you are a mother. But let's be real - not all mothers are the Norman Rockwell version of a mother. Just as all adult children are not made for the care giver role. So what if she is annoyed (with) and resentful of her mother. Those are her feelings within the context of her experience. She (Karen or dtFlex or whomever) is entitled to have her own life. There is no need to put down Karen or Dtflex.
Oh wait, it's almost 7am my time. I'm off for a beverage before Mom wakes up!!
Be good to yourselves,
Bobbie
Bobbie, you made me chuckle - so what REALLY was in that 7am beverage? :-)
It is very hard to deal with this kind of guilt - I know, I deal with it too. But you need to take care of yourself too, and that is your first responsibility. It's like on planes - they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, then worry about your kids or others. This is not being selfish, it is being sensible. You cannot be expected to work 24/7 at any job, and that includes your parents.
Yes, you are lucky she's still with you. But that does not mean you have to sacrifice your sanity and your kids' needs just so she won't be bored.
Take care and cut yourself a huge slice of self-compassion.
alixcase, thanks for your kind words.
Mo, I wish I could come up with a schedule with my mom, but everytime I have mentioned coming up with a schedule that takes care of her need to see me a lot (understandable) and my need to take care of a house, try to get work etc, i.e time away from mom too (equally understandable), she resents the fact that I don't want to see her every day. She says to me, "Karen, if that's the way you feel (not wanting to see her every day), then I will go away. I won't come over your house anymore. You can be with YOUR family." Of course, mom is my family too. I would LOVE to have an honest and open discourse with my mother, but cannot. I have never been able to. If she doesn't like the subject or doesn't want to take about it, well guess what? It ain't happenin'. Sad but true.
I would love to say, "Hey mom, I know you want to spend eight, ten, twelve hours a day with me, but I just can't do it. It doesn't mean I hate you, it doesn't mean I don't love you, but I also want to be able to have some time without you so I can do things that I want to do too." But if I were to say that she would be offended. I would love to be able to communicate honestly with her, but it ends up with her angry and unhappy, so there is no point.
I feel so very sorry for my mother. She is so loving and kind and compassionate, but she just won't talk. I am not the only one who feels that way. She just sits there and stares into space waiting for someone to say something to her so she can talk. It's like there is a padlock on her mouth which can only be opened by other people. I want things to change. I really do.
I think I am FINALLY (with all of your group effort here nudging me towards the realization) accepting that what I want and what I have are two different things. If I had a brother or sister or we had any family at all, my mother would have other people in her life besides me, me, and oh yeah, me. If my mother would be willing to go to the senior centers like other elderly people do, and would be willing to socialize with them, it would be great. Not gonna happen. Everytime I mention her doing something on her own, she says, "Oh Karen, stop pushing me away. I feel like you don't want me." This after me spending five days a week with her. Realization of how ridiculous she is being? Not going to happen.
I am giving myself the freedom to love my mother, take her to all of her appointments (38 within the past three months), see her the majority of the week (four days is a majority), and not see her the minority of the week (the other three days). I am going to spend as much time as I can with her, but I have to be happy too. Again, I would prefer to see her one to two days a week. She wants seven. I"ll settle at four. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy.
I am not going to push my mother to do anything anymore without me. She doesn't want to be pushed, even though I was pushing to give her a social life. She loves people but won't talk around them too much and surely won't do any activities without me. But I am going to live my life both with and without her. I was thinking more about her anger at me talking to her about taking my daughters to the movies without her, and I realized how crazy she must feel inside to resent me spending time with my own children. That's sad.
My mother is near eighty. I don't know how long I have with her, but I do want to see her and love her. I also want to do things without her. It's only normal...
i feel for you , you are seeing and feeling what your moms feelings are . i would be hurt too if my daughter doesnt want to see me everyday . you are all she has and she likes to be in her old home which u are living in it .
i dont go anywhere either , sit inmy home 24-7 with my 86 yrs old dad . yes ill run to store or once in a great while i ll go out if my daughter stays here with him . yesterday i told my daughter i need to get out ofhere and i left for a long drive about an hr .
my dad doesnt talk either if he is talkin its all jumble mumble . today he spoke a lit bit i ask him whats wrong dad ?
he said im homesick . his home is in fla . he s here indiana with me .
i told him i ll take him down there one day when he feels up to the trip . dr just called and said dad has uti again so i need to run to cvs and pick up his meds .
dad is all i have and i enjoy havin him here with me .
you need a break and your daughter could sit with ur mother for a while . after all it used to be her home and she s home sick like my dad is .
u describe her life while back and its not a happy good life , of course she doesnt say anything cuz her whole life is not something she wants to talk about . not a happy memories .
let her stare off space and you go do what you want to do .
she is not required to be watched over 24-7 . my dad is , i cant leave him here alone .
maybe it makes her happy she can sit in ur house while u go run off , unless u trust her alone in your home ?
its normal to godo what ya want cuz if its not 24-7 care then u better go do it now before it becomes 24-7 ...
Remember - you are NOT responsible for another person's feelings. I think you should tell your mother what you have written in your latest post. Again, it is back to what you are permitting to own (relative to your mother's comments). You need to grow some brass ovaries, and when she does the pout, sigh, whine, moan, crying and pity-partying, just let her know that you can appreciate how she feels - however, you need to take care of certain things during the day, and you hope she understands that (even though she says she won't). The emotional blackmail technique she uses (well, if you don't want to see me on MY terms I will go away) then say I am really sorry you feel that way. I will certainly miss you if you went away, but I will call you to check on you. Who on earth is going to spend one moment with her if you are not around??? Do you think for one moment that she will not want to reconnect with you? It is sure worth trying! She will get over her childish behavior pretty quick. Remember - brass ovaries!!!
Same with seniors caught up in nursing home or stuck at home with caregiver all the time. I'd feel the same way.
Sounds like spending time with your mother is a full-time job in itself. All that emotional blackmail -- the guilt trips your Mom sends you on --, will continue to suck the life out of you until you put your foot down. Rewinding the tape of your existence every 24 hours and realizing you have nothing to show for it except spending 4-8 hours every day talking to a wall doesn't do much for anyone's self-esteem. Particularly when they have goals (dreams with deadlines) to attain; like starting your own business.
My suggestion is this: start it now, and make her a part-time employee. She'll get to spend time with you while at the same time making herself useful. Make her an offer she can't refuse: either that or she can "veggie" at home waiting to see if you have time to drop by to check up on her. No doubt she'll start seeking company and entertainment elsewhere, as you have suggested on many occasions. Let us know how it goes, especially the new business.
-- ED