Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
Yesterday, I went to the doctor's with my 22 year old daughter. My mother went too. I started talking to my mom about spending time with her. I spoke with my daughter about spending a little less time with her too so I can get the business up and running.
I mentioned to my daughter that I spend "tons of time" with my mother and need to cut that a little too. My mother then gives me a nasty look and says, "What? Tons of time? That's not true. You do NOT spend tons of time with me." I said, "Mom, I do. I calculated that I spent 12 out of the past 15 days with you. I only see my daughter once or twice a week (the 22 yr old no longer lives at home)" My mother replied, "Yes, because that's what she wants." To which I FELT like replying, "Well guess what? I would LOVE to see you only once or twice a week, but you won't let me get by with only that will you?"
I used to see my mom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, but because she would complain that she "never saw" me I increased the amount of time I spent with her. I now see her on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays and go to EVERY SINGLE drs appointment she has (she is having a hard time remembering, so I go. I don't mind. It is my responsbility to do this), so it often ends up being five days a week sometimes. Complete and utter idiot that I am, I thought she would be happier now that she sees me more, but just to hear her complain again that I still don't see her enough really really angers and frustrates me to no end. What the hell does she want? Six days a week? Seven days a week? Me to follow her into the bathroom? At what point is enough, enough?
I remember her telling me that after we moved down here (NJ to here, VA) that people would say to her, "It's good your daughter is nearer so you can spend time with her." My mother would then come to me and say, "Ha, if they only knew that I hardly ever see you." My God, I saw her then three times a week.
It know it seems as if I am obsessed about this whole thing, and that is probably the case. It seems like I spend a good half of the day, if not more, either with my mother or dreading her coming over or replaying the stupidity of the fact that I can't see a movie without her.
Anyway, when we were at the doctor's office, both me and my daughter were encouraging my mother to invite people over to her house, do things at the church etc to which she replied, "I am not going to bother my neighbors. I see different cars coming and going there all the time. These people have families. I am not going to bother them. They don't bother with me or invite me anywhere." To which my daughter responded, "Nan. Just because they have families doesn't mean they don't want to see you." My mother's response? "If there was a noose hanging from that ceiling, I would hang myself. Why are you saying such hurtful things to me? If my house was nearer I would walk to it right now." It did NOT surprise me what she said at all. This is typical. There has never ever been any comprimising with her. She hears something she doesn't like, she's done. Do not talk about it. Don't you dare.
During this conversation I said to my daughter that we are going to see a movie together. Yeah, I know I shouldn't have. But I was just desparately begging for her to say, "Good for you. Enjoy yourself." I guess sometimes you can't help but beat your head up against the proverbial brick wall. If you are desperate for a parent's approval (I guess I was/am), then you keep thinking, maybe this time will be different/maybe they have wised up/maybe they have changed. Well, guess what? No such luck there.
After mentioning the movie thing to my daughter, my daughter said, "Hey mom, you know what I would like? I would like for just me and you to go on a vacation together." This meant of course that we would not be taking my other daughter, her boyfriend or...my mother. My mother then turned to me and my daughter and said, "You know what? I would never ever do this to my mother." I said to her, "Mom. What is so bad about me wanting to spend alone time with my own children?" She replied, "There is nothing bad. I am glad that you want to spend time with your children, some parents don't." In other words, huh???? I guess what she really meant was yeah Karen, it's really nice that you love your children so much and want to be with them, but go without me? Well, you are a terrible daughter now, aren't you?
I never go to my mother's house. She always comes here. Again, we are living in her "old" house (the one she moved out of). She would prefer to come here and "sit on your sofa and look at the photographs." Yesterday, while we were at the dr's office, she said "Look Karen. I don't run all over your house. I don't come there to get in the way." I told her, "Yes mom. I know. But I would rather you be somewhere else doing something with people and having fun rather than staring at the walls here." Of course, it made no difference.
I am really sorry that I keep venting, but you may not realize this: YOU ARE ALL KEEPING ME ALIVE RIGHT NOW. I am so unhappy about this and you are all helping me.
God Bless each and every one of you. If there are any more suggestions/comments I would welcome them. Like I said I am going to print them all out and act upon them.
Thanks,
Karen
I quit answering the telephone when my mother calls. She is verbally abusive, and has a new guardian now, so she is no longer my responsibility. I don't have to care for her, and don't have to put up with her threats, accusations, criticisms, unreasonable demands, and unrealistic expectations.
I ask you this, who told you she is your responsibility? Hmmmmm. Why does she have that hold on you? Why do you ask for suggestions from others on this thread, then not follow through on them? Are you wanting permission to remain in an unhealthy situation?
You say you are unhappy. So change! Your mom won't. We can't tell you anything that will make her change. We can't tell you how to make your mother set boundaries. You HAVE to do this for yourself. You can choose to stay the same, not change, remain unhappy, and not do anything different. We can't change you, but if you won't, the complaints are confusing. Are you afraid to change? JUST DO IT!!! You don't do it expecting your mom to suddenly say, "That was a good idea!" or "My daughter is wonderful because she is setting boundaries and taking responsibility for her own life." Your mother won't say, "Boy, I sure am glad she made me do something different than just expect to have my demands met."
I wonder why we resist change at times? It is risky. What if things don't go well? What if... Don't let fear, or risking your mom's wrath and complaints keep you from taking healthy steps to take personal responsibility for your own life. You gave her that power. It's time to take it back.
It is not written anywhere that you are responsible for your mother's happiness or contentment or her for yours. You are only responsible for yours, and nothing you can do will change your mother's. You're not responsible to relieve her loneliness. You weren't born to be her social director. You can't relieve her depression.
So, instead of complaining of how she won't change, why not just go work on your business, and develop relationships with healthy individuals? (Sorry, but your mom is NOT in the category of healthy, and nothing you can do will make her that way.) Practice this phrase, "Sorry, Mom, I'm busy right now." "Sorry, Mom, my daughter needs me right now." "Sorry, Mom, I have work to do." (I'm not advocating total rejection) but you need to establish boundaries. It's OK. You'll live. It may feel weird to take responsibility for yourself, at first, but until you do, you will remain unhappy. Is that what you want?
Now, go make 2010 a great new year, make you a new you, and quit worrying about what mommy thinks. Don't let her dictate how you live your life by sucking the life out of you. Remember, the choice is yours, not your mom's. Like the song says, "Don't worry, be happy!"
Philippians 4:11:
"I have learned - From God. He only can teach this. In everything, therewith to be content - Joyfully and thankfully patient. Nothing less is Christian content. We may observe a beautiful gradation in the expressions, I have learned; I know; I am instructed; I can."
From this exchange, it sounds like your mother has a lot of bats left in the belfry. And like most people, they don't like to be called on their act; they'll just dig in.
Coincidentally, last night's "Ugly Betty" dealt with just this problem. Betty's boyfriend was all about togetherness and loveydovy behaviors. The sequences quickly went from Betty lapping it up to wanting to strangle him. Her plot line is all about trying to reconnect him with previous passion, which was painting. This backfires on her in a hilarious way, but eventually she presses her point and he gets it. It's probably viewable on the abc pages or on Hulu.
I called my mom's doctor today. We have an appointment tomorrow. My mom does not know about the phone call. I mentioned three things to her doctor..
1. Memory issues. My mom forgets appointments (I know we all do that once in a while), but a few weeks ago my one daughter and me and mom went to see a movie. After the movie I told my other daughter what we had seen. She said, "Hey mom, me and nan went to see that movie three days ago." I asked my mom and she said she had never seen the movie before. I know it was true because my daughter had discussed it three days ago with me, but when my mom said, "No, I didn't see it yet" I figured she hadn't. Also, like I said before, we live in her old house. She lived here for nineteen YEARS before we moved down here. She has slept over here twice and both times, in the morning after she woke up she said to me and my daughter, "Where are we? Have we been anywhere? I recognise the place, but..." When we told her she laughed and said, "Oh yes, silly me."
2. I also let her doctor know about the depression. I don't know if "just" saying that you want to hang yourself or that you wish you were with your deceased spouse automatically "qualifies" you to be labeled as depressed, but since I'm not the dr. all I can do is pass along the information.
3. I told the dr. that my mom is extremely lonely and overly dependent on me. I gave her specific examples of what has been happening (you of course already know them all. Lucky you or Poor you, depending on how you feel by now!) She said that my mother is probably in early stage dementia. I have heard of dementia, but is that the same thing as Alzheimer's? I will have to research to see.
The dr. ended up saying that she will put her on Aricept (a quick search looks like it's for Alzheimer's) and increase her Zoloft and recommend she see a psychiatrist. However, the dr. said not to expect too much in the way of behavior change. Just great. We both agreed it's going to be a hard road because my mother hates to take meds and says she is on too many right now. And you already know the nightmare of counseling/psychiatry. She won't go because they will "ask questions."
Well, once again, I want to thank you all for your outpouring of support. I hope I haven't bored you all to tears too much. I will take your advice. It's just difficult to break a forty five year old pattern in two days. I hope you understand.
I will let you all know what happens tomorrow.
Incidentally, I saw mom for about six hours yesterday and will be seeing her all day tomorrow. Her appointment is at 10:30am so I'm sure she will say, "Can I come over?" I don't have the heart (or is it guts?) to say no, but what I have done is taken some of your suggestions to heart....
When she called me today she said, "Will you please allow me to come over today?" I said, "I don't feel well today." This is true as I have been in bed all day until just now nursing a cold/flu whatever. She replied, "Well, I didn't mean right now. I meant later on." I felt like saying, "Hello? Did you not hear me? I said I don't feel good." But I didn't. Instead I said, "Like I said I don't feel good, but tomorrow you have an appointment and I will see you then." And tomorrow when she does stay over after the appointment I am going to spend a lot of my time upstairs. I can't keep babysitting her. Wow, it looks like I may be "growing a pair." Or (old habits creeping back now) is that I am a lousy daughter abandoning an old kind woman? Well, obviously the battle continues, but either way at least there is some positive movement, right?
The problem that she's rude, mean, and NEVER thanks me for the things I do. If anyone else in the family comes to visit and does the slightest thing for her, she thanks them over and over. Oh well....She fights me over everything from meds to baths.
When she was in the hospital, she expected me and my 2 sisters to sit there all day and watch her sleep! She is very anti-social, has NO friends, and doesn't speak to anyone if she doesn't need to.
I too feel guilty because I feel bitter and resent the fact that I have to do it all on my own. I have 2 sisters who who and try to help when they can. My mom is VERY demanding and just plain hard to deal with on a 24 hr. basis.
I told her she can treat me like **** but I am going to do my part and take care of her as best as I can. I take a 'holiday' once a month and go get a nice hotel room with Misti my dog and we enjoy Fri, Sat, and Sun alone and together--away from her! I can't wait for my next holiday. Hang in there Karen because at least your mom still goes out. My mom just sits in front of me and doesn't say a word, no reading, no puzzles, no TV, no radio, ugh!!! God Bless You Karen
Yes, my mom is a master manipulator and I need to have it stop. I told my sisters that they need to help me with her but it really didn't make a difference. They don't like being around her because she's so difficult...but we do love her and want to keep her comfortable.
She refuses to designate power of attorney paperwork, refuses to show us where she keeps her will, funeral arrangements, etc. She acts like she doesn't remember anything but she remembers her money, accounts, and finances. She refuses to pay for anything the insurance and Medicare won't cover even if she needs it. She's a total TRIP!
Karen, I do it 24 hrs. a day--and never stop. It's totally wrecked my health and life. She is slowly killing me and I am letting her. I can't leave her or move out--I don't know what to do but I do look forward to my monthly 'holiday.' I will keep you in my prayers--
I have a mother who would probably have made my sisters and me very sick in the last two years if we had not finally used some tough love on her. As kids and young adults we spent years and years trying to please her and trying to meet her needs (and of course we always came up short). Then we smartened up and tried hard to be just ourselves. Finally in the last two years tough love was the only route we could take. Now my sisters and I are still relatively sane :-), our mother will soon be celebrating her 96th birthday, AND an elderly gentleman in the assisted living facility where they both live has a "crush" on her!!!! How much better can life get???
Karen, you have made some positive steps! And forgive me if I sounded harsh. Breaking 45 years is not easy. Mammas know what makes us tick, makes us jump, and makes us cry. And they know how to get what they want. Sad :( but true. I just started a book I think you'll like: "Tears and Healing; The journey to the light after an abusive relationship," by Richard Skerrit. I found it online and she doesn't know it, but my mom bought it for me for Christmas. It will help you understand some things and give you tools for making the changes you desire. My heart and prayers are with you.
So many of you are struggling with similar issues. This grieves me, but makes me feel no so alone. What a dark world we live in sometimes. Here we are, caring for our loved ones, and finding hurt and difficulties along the way. Many do not understand, but some do. It's a valley experience, though I'm hoping we come out OK. Bless you Caregivers for all you do, but remember it's important to also take care of you!
i am the type of a person that nobody can tell me what to do . ill sit for a few but not all day not al night . i refuse to be told no ! i done listen from the time i was born up till i got married and now i am a grown adult and a grandma , raised all 3 of my kids and no my father will not tell me what to do cuz he knows i wont do it unless i think i needed to .
he did get upset and whine abotit then he realized im a grown woman . i will leave the house and he would tell my daughter oh im having chest pains . mydaughter would call me and tell me ,thinkin i zoom back home . i told my daughterto give him his nitro pills . he found out his lit game didnt work so he gave up . just as long as he can stay at my home and he just going to have to accept it that his baby girl is not going to be told what to do .
i go in myfamilyroom while he s in living room. yes i ill sit and watch movies with him and hang out with him . wheni need a break , family room is where i go .
i cant believe some of you would just sit there and let them control over you . its tough love and let them know ure not a small child . you will run the household not them ..
My situation is a bit different, as I moved into my moms house to care for her. I'm married with children and they live at my house. My mom is on hospice and needs 24 hour care. Mom has been on hospice for 2 years now and it just keeps getting harder and harder.
You can't force an adult to go anywhere they don't want to go. Unless they're a danger to themselves or need care that can not be performed in the home, she can stay at the house. Which means that I have to stay and take care of her. My dad passed in 2004 and mom is 74 and I have no siblings or extended family. Most of her friends are in the same shape or worse. I am completely isolated.
I used to work a full time job which I had to cut back to part time. I fear losing my job at any moment. Mom agreed to let me hire a caregiver for the time I am at work. Many people tell me to quit my job and have mom pay me what she is paying the caregiver. I need the time away.
Mom wants all my attention. I am so worn out and tired. I can completely relate to you and how parents can zap your energy. None of my friends can understand it, and I've been zinged on here with people telling me how lucky I am that my mom is still here and that I'm lucky to be able to take care of her. Her condition makes her agitated and verbally aggressive. If I tell her I need time to bathe she say's "Oh I wish I could have a bath, you're so lucky to be able to indulge yourself". If having a bath every 3 days is indulgent, then I'm a very luck gal!
I won't whine on about how terrible it is to not have a moments peace. I think what I am saying is that I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that there is someone on this site that isn't sugar coating the bad stuff. I'm sorry I can't help with a solution, and I don't think there is one. Guilt and parenting are as old as time and we are stuck. I mean STUCK, for some of the perky, get yourself out of your own self pity, put yourself in their shoes, get volunteers in to help you...blah blah blah. Sometimes it is what it is, and right now it SUCKS!
The dr. did not say anything about her seeing a psychiatrist, but she does have a follow up appointment in a month to see if any of the meds make a difference.
I am EXTREMELY ASHAMED to admit this, but I have no friends at all. My ONE friend who still lives in NJ has stage four lung cancer and is in a nursing facility now. Other than him, who is my best friend and always will be, I have no other friends. Because my family is so small, me, mom, two children and that's it, I really feel isolated.
I lost my job in February of last year and have been unemployed since then. Anyway, I was wondering if any of you lovely, kind people would be interested in emailing me (or is that not allowed, I don't know). I would really love to have an email friend and someone who has caregiving in common is just the icing on the cake.
I hope I'm not coming across as too desperate, but if any of you are interested, please let me know how we can email each other.
To all of you who have answered my LONG posts, thank you.
You have lifted me out of the misery I was in and given me direction and hope. I really value all of your opinions.
naheaton, you asked if the mothers who are making their caregivers so desperate now were always they way they are presently. txmaggie gave what I thought was a good answering explanation. As for my mother, yes - she was always the way she is now. There are reasons why this was so and ever since my two sisters and I can remember, we always felt sorry for her and that's why we spent at least the first forty years of our lives doing whatever we could to try to make her happy. This warped all three of us and it has taken me nearly thirty years to somewhat recover (but down deep I still feel I have failed my mother and I have 'failing' dreams many times).
So you see, Secretsister - I have NOT escaped - I am still in the process of escaping. It has been a difficult struggle but fortunately now I can feel sorry for my mom without feeling that it is my DUTY to try to make her life perfect. Now everything I do for her is done with LOVE and that is a much better feeling. I don't know what you think but I doubt that a person can ever totally leave behind the conditioning that was experienced for years and years. There are always scars left as reminders.
lhardebeck, I enjoy reading your comments. You sound like you know what you will and what you won't do. Your idea of going to another room when you need a break is what I do too when I can't go outside for a break from all my husband's health-related problems. My favourite break is a long walk (fortunately we live in the countryside). My husband is envious of me being physically able to take these walks but I have a good excuse. My doctor has told me that my bones are deteriorating and that walking is something I should do. Pretty good excuse, eh? So I strengthen my bones and de-stress at the same time. Two for the price of one!!!
txmaggie, you raised the question we all are going to have to face - how do we want to be dealt with when we are old and sick? One of my sisters says she hopes when she reaches a certain point, she KNOWS she has reached THAT point so that she can go out into a blizzard with a bottle of Bailey's Irish Creme and "slip away". How's that for a solution? :-) Cheers, everyone!