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I care for both mom and dad for nearly 8 years now. Cancer, dementia, heart, blind, half deaf. I did work full time for 6.5 of those years. I do all the financial, legal, medical, day to day care. Dad has helped a lot for about 2 years, before that his involvement was chauffeur only. For the first 3 years eventhough he was at the appts. he didn't even know what kind of cancer mom had. It was touch and go for a long time. They called me day and night, still do. I live 1/2hour away. My sister lives 1 hour drive away and though she has the financial means and know how (LVN
) she is not involved save to forbid anyone in the family to help or even call and create chaos with outrageous lies. My dad doesn't have dementia but has done very little to correct those lies. I have exhausted all my life's savings, got fired from my job in large part because of the constant calls, drain, stress. I have cashed in all my 401k to keep us afloat for 7 years. I told them Christmas that I would be out of money in a just a few months. Nothing was done. My sister tells everyone she gives 500 a week and that I steal from them! Dad finally after years of this spoke up, but after so many years, so many lies no one believes anymore. I survive barely yet dad still wants me to pay for meds, go to each and every appt for him and mom, go to their house 5-6 times a week, manage meds, take care of bills, taxes, insurance, clean, buy groceries, calm mom down, be on call 24/7 365. Since no one stepped up I got a small job basically being a maid 12 hours a week and he went ballistic,cussing, fussing, throwing things. He wants me to not work those 12 hours and survive off the $100 he gives me a month. Even today, the only day off I wanted this week, he calls, he broke down at the gas station. I said I am on my way. It is a half hour drive there through traffic. He calls 20 minutes in, where am I? How much longer? I am 2 minutes away after going on freeway 80 miles an hour, swerving in and out, because I know him. My sister is a prosperity gospel adherent. Says God hates us because they are sick and I am now poor. If we had faith we would be healthy and rich like her. Her words. We tried to sell property that is down the road from her. She blocks it, tears the signs down, stops and tells prospective buyers the pond is poisoned and will take at least 10k to fix. I wanted to sell to pay bills and get them on Medicaid. She has presented them with documents to sign everything over to her and her eldest son who is just like her. Dad wants to leave a little to each of her kids, two of the four she has disowned. She says she deserves it all. Through name it and claim it, gospel of greed only she is worthy and all the lying, coercion and suffering she is causing is ok. God has "favored" her so its not really a sin. I lived decades of my life away from them, happily, peacefully, drama free. Even though she is the eldest I felt it my duty to come and help my parents when they became ill. My parents raised her children and supported her in so many ways. The reason she is where she is is because of them. But money talks.
Today mom had a bad headache, they asked me what to do as we worry she is having another stroke. I saId hey, I have told you so many times, why dont you call the nurse?You dont want to bother her at work, though you called me constantly, well it Sunday, ask her. Dad spoke to her for 2 minutes, she said its probably nothing and went on to quiz him about what I was doing, was I still working, how often, blah, blah. Even though I have begged Dad not to give her any information as she twists and uses it in her fabrications, one grain of truth with a heaping pile of lies and it creates doubt. Yet dad sat there and answered every question. She didnt even tell dad what to give mom for her pain. My niece, one of the disowned and her husband whom dad absolutely loves have both told him not to give her info. Yet he still does. When he hung up I laid into him. Told him what I thought. Told him I want to never see him again. Told him that even though he likes to say this is my responsibility that he is the husband, I am helping him not the other way around. That after destroying my life for them and he's not worried or even thankful that I am done. That he is a selfish, weak human being who takes his trucks to the shop for the slightest squeak yet he knows my check engine light has been on for over a year, that one tire has a slow leak that I keep airing up and that I have not had working plumbing or working locks in my house for months. Yet he brags on his millionaire eldest daughter. If I walk away hensays he will kill himself, ever manipulating like my sis. Adult protective services said they cant get my sister for neglect because I am helping. They said this is the worst case they have seen in years. That is nothing to be proud of I know. So, walk away? Let the chips fall where they may or let them suck the last bit of blood out of me?

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Sounds like social services need to place them, they can go together in the same room and everything. That's too much burden for one person to handle, parents or not, they shouldn't expect this much out of you or anyone else. Make sure POA is in your name and have them placed before you loose your mind.
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Walk away, it is time. If you have a POA, give a written resignation. Let the millionaire handle it.
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Eight years is a long time. It is one thing if they are cooperative, but wicked witch of the west has to be silenced. If she disowned two of her children, it will be easy for her to dump your parents in a NH. For your sanity, follow the above advice. Set a date and stick with it. You have given and then some. Your mother will be ok. What will happen to your mother of you die? Stress is a killer. Many caregivers transition into eternity before those receiving the care. Get out now.
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Ahhh, the evil sister that says and does everything to make you feel guilty! I had two of those. Sis wants you to provide care then she will be the first in line to collect inheritance when they pass. Yes, call APS they will step in. Do you have POA? Sis? Heaven forbid! You will need doctor's letter if either of them need nursing or memory care. If either competent they can simply refuse to go.

The statement about the cheapest and filthiest place is doing a wonderful job of manipulating you into feeling guilty. Find a decent place that has current availabilty and tell sis their address has changed and that it will take every dime they have to continue to pay for it.

Wouldn't it be a pleasant situation if siblings could work together? Unfortunately, this I think is unrealistic a pipe dream, rarely happens.
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Thank you for your response. Sounds like you went through a lot of the same. So sorry. What legal trouble would I get? Just so I can avoid. Wealthy sister already said she us going to find the cheapest, filthiest nursing home she can find and stick them in there. Not all healthcare providers are saints believe me. Some follow the other guy in deeds. I am to the point I am starting not care about my spineless manipulative father, but mom. Well. That is harder. I might just call APS and have them take over. Sell their home and property and find a facility for them both. They both said they don't want that but I think this was her plan all along. Attrition. All I wanted was to make sure their last days were filled with live and compassion. They were for a while but I am afraid it wont be going forward.
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I ended up walking away after four years of 24/7 for mom with alz and her hubby, general decline. My family, extremely dysfunctional! Twisted sister 1 would call and ask questions, he would answer in spite of me asking him not to. So, yes fed into twisted sisters made up stories about me. He had no backbone to speak up to sisters that MAY have stopped their vindivtive behavior. MAY have...

He is old, has fought his battles, was not going to stick up for ne orr start battles with the sissies.

I got tired of everybody's behaviors when I was gibving so much. Told all I would leave June 1 and they better figure out alternate care. Then they wanted me to stay through the summer? HA! Not on your life!

But, do not just walk away without another plan in place., That could get you in legal trouble. Let wealthy sis deal with the fall out.
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