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Visits with my elderly parents have become increasingly tension-filled and stressful. Visits are a repeat performance of nonsensical talk, hurtful criticisms, cliches and self-centered attempts to impress us with their money. Conversations are not enjoyable or valuable. In addition, despite numerous attempts on our part, my parents refuse to accept our input or discuss any of their future plans. Phone conversations are nearly impossible as my Mother refuses to get a hearing aid.


My wife and I are dealing with extreme job, health and personal issues which makes the visits more hard to take. I feel guilty for my feelings - like a bad son. However, I am trying to preserve mine and my family's own health and energies. The situation seems futile - with less frequent, brief visits and calls as the only apparent solution.


Any experience or insights on how to cope with upsetting visits and calls would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

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Hi Johnc1 - welcome to aging care. I think you have the answer. It sounds like you and your immediate family (sans parents) are in a very challenging situation and don't have much to give elsewhere. You have tried and your parents reject what you are offering - discussion of their issues and working towards solutions. Many adult children feel guilty when they cannot solve their parent's problems, This is false guilt due to not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others. True guilt comes from doing something wrong. You are doing nothing wrong.

My mother (passed last December) was a very difficult person all her life due to mental illness. All I could do is protect myself by distance and detachment.

"However, I am trying to preserve mine and my family's own health and energies. The situation seems futile - with less frequent, brief visits and calls as the only apparent solution."

Yes, I believe that is the solution.

I am not sure from what you have written if you suspect the beginnings of dementia in one or both of your parents. If so, one thing you could do is write out your observations and concerns, including their lack of cooperation with you, and give the document to their family doctor. Some people can only address the issues of parent care and safety once their parent(s) have a crisis of some kind - usually a health crisis.

Decrease the number and frequency of visits and use your time and energy for your immediate family.

Many here know how frustrating it is when you can see challenges in the future and your parents refuse to discuss them. You are not alone.
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John, why do you think you need to keep visiting your parents?

There's no "rule" about that, you know. Legally, you owe your parents nothing. Morally, you should reach out to try to arrange care for them, but the've rejected your offers to do that.

So, you owe them....nothing.

Like many adult children with mentally ill parents, you appear to think that there is some "proper" way of behaving that you are trying to adhere to.

I'll let you in on a secret. Those of us with more functional family relationships don't think that there is a formula for how often you show up. You show up and lend support when it's needed and when it's welcomed.

If your support isn't welcomed/accepted then step away.

And feel okay about that.
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Your profile says ur retiring. To have an enjoyable one, you are going to have to start putting up boundries. When Mom calls and she can't hear you, tell her to call you when she gets hearing aides. If they won't listen, then you are going to have to let them do it their way. Something will happen and maybe it will make them realize they need help. They aren't going to listen to their child anyway. When they start bribing u with money, tell them to use it to pay someone to help them. Please don't get roped into caring for them. I can see now, it won't work.

Your family is #1.
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So John, why dont you walk away? They dont want your help. Why do you keep trying to foist something on them that they don't want?

My husband's mom had severe copd. He tried to get her to stop smoking. She said that she was going to call APS to say that he was abusing her (meaning that he was saying " ma, please stop smoking. It's going to kill you.")

So, he walked away. And let the situation play out. She made her choice and he feels not one iota of guilt.

I strongly recommend this course of action to you.
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John it really does trouble me that you don't see how closely intertwined your questions are, and that you seem mildly offended when posters point that out to you.

Back in March, your question about whether you should pursue your retirement plans received a consensus answer of yes, go ahead. Then you asked what to do about your parents' insistence on pestering you for medical advice. Now you ask what to do about finding your parents' company and their attitude to you and your wife increasingly stressful.

In your perfect world [wavy lines across screen]...

Your parents would do what?

Your parents are managing their lives their way. Their way includes sending out constant radar beeps to make sure you're there if they want you. They do not want you to DO anything. They just want to make sure they've got your attention.

Now, that's fine. I'm a big supporter of people's pleasing themselves. If your parents want to muddle along until they can't, I'd be the last person to try to force them into doing anything different.

But for you it isn't fine, because you keep responding to their beeps. You then have the frustration of attending when called only to have your assistance refused. It must be infuriating.

But there is only one way out, you know. You're going to have to stop answering.

If your wife and you already have enough to deal with, these things will feed into each other and every one will make every other one seem worse - you'll be more stressed about work, your health will suffer further, you'll be less able to support one another and less optimistic about your futures. So, just to make one change: if you were to try one or two of the most useful boundary-building techniques - grey rock, for example - and NOT do any of the things you've habitually done in response to your parents' stimuli, what exactly do you think would happen?
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Johnc1 May 2019
I’m not sure how you perceive me as being “mildly offended” as you state. Nonetheless, the questions and topics are different. Even if the questions were similar, there is nothing wrong with looking at issues from different perspectives.
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You posted similar themed questions before:
"Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them, while refusing to discuss their health plans" and have 98 responses:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parent-wants-me-to-give-up-retirement-dream-and-care-for-them-while-refusing-to-discuss-thei-447098.htm?orderby=oldest

"Elderly parents refuse to seek proper medical care. Any insights?" and have 23 responses:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parents-refuse-to-seek-proper-medical-care-any-insights-449085.htm?orderby=oldest

How is this question about coping different? If you haven't already, reread all the responses you've already gotten because you've gotten many.
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Johnc1 May 2019
The questions and topics are entirely different.
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Please let your parents be, they will let you know when they want help. Don’t be a mother hen. The more you are always there, the more frustrated you will become. My mother lives with me currently & she is the queen of pouring out guilt. I’ve had to go on with life & even though I may go to the shower & cry my eyes out, I’m not going to let her ruin my marriage or my retirement. We’ve asked our 5 children to let us care for ourselves & when we felt we couldn’t, we’d let them know. They’re all ok with it, thank goodness!! We’re 70 & hopefully good years left. Don’t let your family & retirement get lost through this. Your parents will be fine & you’ll know when they’re not. Enjoy life John!!! Best to you!!
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John,

Your questions and topics are more alike than you seem to recognize. ***Guilt*** is the common thread in your posts:

In Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them: "...My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away...."

In Elderly parents refuse to seek proper medical care: "...In particular, I often feel guilty, burdened and responsible for my parents well-being..."

And in this Visits and contact thread: "...I feel guilty for my feelings - like a bad son...."
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Johnc1 May 2019
Guilt may be a common thread, but the questions and topics are again different. Even if the questions were similar, there is nothing wrong with looking at issues from different perspectives.
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