Follow
Share

We just had to put my mom in a nursing home and every time I visit her she cries and asks when she can go home, She is 95 and has dementia, so will ask the same question over and over again. She can no longer live alone. She wasn't taking her pills or bathing. She called 911 and was in and out of a hospital and rehab for 4 weeks. She can barely walk. I feel guilty if I don't go see her, but her behavior while I am there is literally killing me. I'm at my wits end and don't know how to handle this.

Find Care & Housing
Many seniors do fine or even very well in a facility but descend into this emotionality when their spouse or child visits. I hope that gives you some peace of mind. You have done what's necessary for her safety. Talk to the staff and/or her doctors about whether an anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication might help her.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MG8522
Report
BurntCaregiver Nov 12, 2025
@MG8522

That is true. I saw it firsthand at the AL I worked in. Residents with and without dementia would be living their best lives until their spouse, child, or grandchild show up. Then it's complaining, hysterical panicking, crying, and begging to go home. The second the family leaves they go back to doing fine.
(4)
Report
Get yourself a script for Ativan and take some before you visit her. This will keep your anxiety level down. When you do visit, go at lunchtime and bring her a favorite meal or dessert and that may distract her from the crying and begging to go home some. Cut back on your visits. Let the staff keep you updated on her. Give them permission to have some anti-anxiety medication prescribed to her too.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report

You need to tell mom she's there under doctors orders and she can go home when the doctor says she's well enough. Then change the subject and look at photos or eat a snack together. Visit shortly before lunch or dinner so that you can settle her into the meal and then leave while she's eating. I always brought my mother snacks and a pretty top or a nightgown, etc when I visited, and brought hubby as a buffer. It was still very difficult though, I know how you feel. Plan to speak to her doctor about calming meds to ease her anxiety, Ativan helped my mother quite a bit. You can try taking a CBD gummy before you leave to visit. Keep the visit brief and upbeat, letting mom know you love her. Visit less frequently if necessary and check in with the staff to see how she's doing.

Also, plan a treat of some kind for yourself for after the visit as so etching to look forward to. Remember mom has dementia so it's not your fault she needs managed care.

Do the best you can and no more. Hopefully she'll calm down soon and things will get easier for both of you.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

If she’s constantly agitated, a medication to calm this behavior would be a kindness to her. It’s also hard on her to feel upset all the time. You must realize and focus on knowing her behaviors are part of dementia, not the person you once knew as your mother. Accept that she’s now just a person in need of kindness and care, not the mother you had. It’s incredibly sad, I know, but she still needs an advocate in this setting. You can keep your visits as brief as they need to be to remain healthy for you. Rest in the knowledge you’ve done your best in finding a place for your mother to be safe and cared for. I wish you both peace
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report
Lovemom1941 Nov 11, 2025
This has been the hardest part for me. I am still coming to realize that I have lost my mom and a person in need of my love and support remains. Mourning the living is something no one prepares you for!

I agree that the medications help...a lot!
(1)
Report
@Lovemom1941, can you get other people to help you? Friends, family? When my mom was in rehab after a stroke, and I realized everyone thought I was the Person In Charge (after my 94-year-old dad) -- knowing I was going through an eating disorder rehabilitation of my own and dealing with several chronic illnesses -- I had to ask the few friends we have here in town to help sit with her. Dad stayed with her 24/7, but needed a daily break, so we set up a schedule and people rotated so that it didn't all fall on me. Like you, I was physically depleted after each visit and didn't see how I could go on, but those couple of friends were lifesaving.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to StacyAa
Report

Did they tell you to not go visit for 2 weeks so she can adjust?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report
Lovemom1941 Nov 11, 2025
This is great advice for assisted living or maybe memory care, but I don't think I could do it when it comes to skilled nursing care. SNF's are notoriously understaffed and this often translates into the patients not getting enough attention. I needed to visit several times each week to make sure mom was getting everything she needed. No way I would wait 2 full weeks to 'adjust'.
(5)
Report
See 2 more replies
Do you have a good therapist you can talk to about this? These are major life-changing events not just for our parents, but for us, as well. It might be good to find a therapist or counselor who understands the distress of this kind of grief, so you can talk it through and get tools to help you cope beyond just taking an anti-anxiety med. (Those meds are useful, and you might truly ask your doctor for one -- just don't take it every day.)
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to StacyAa
Report

Visit less often. When you do visit, keep the visit short. Bring her a treat, tell her you love her and focus on other things. Do not respond to her asking when she can go home. Find a therapist to deal with your stress. Don't feel guilty as she is sick and you cannot help treat that sickness. My mom today told me how she had not done anything, but her care home posts photos and videos of residents having fun. I also got to see her manicure, with her nails done in red, white and blue for Veterans Day. When I visit I take mom sugar free candy, can sugar free drinks and a snack like a bag of corn chips. It allows us to focus on those at the beginning of the visit. I also ask her what snacks she wants for the next time. Keep refocusing on the good, and drop the guilt. You are doing what is best and her fears are part of her diagnosis. As others have said she is probably in a better mood when you aren't there. Ask her doctor about getting an anti anxiety med prescribed if he thinks she needs one. They helped my mom tremendously.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

It's typical for people with dementia to behave in this way. You and she are better off with her in the facility. Whether the behavior is "literally" or "figuratively" killing you, I suggest that you visit less often. If you're not comfortable with that, give yourself some time to adjust to the fact that your mom's behavior is normal for someone with dementia.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Rosered6
Report

Guilt is entirely inappropriate. Guild requires causation with evil intent. That isn't you. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. And 24/7 care of several shifts with several workers on each is what is required now.

You are telling yourself that you are responsible for the unhappiness of aging. You aren't.
You are telling yourself you could fix this. You can't. It is hubris to suggest you are god-like or a Saint, and the job description is a nasty one.

If you cannot understand what I just wrote you it is time for a few visits with a good COGNITIVE therapist to adjust the manner in which you talk to yourself. Our brains are very vulnerable to this sort of self-harm and self-accusation.

Meanwhile, keep your visits frequent and short, and when you leave say "My visit today isn't making you happy. I will see you in a few days, and perhaps we can have a longer and happier visit".
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter