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My narcissistic mother, who was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago, will be moving from my house into an assisted living facility next month. Since my father's death in January my mother has transferred her disagreeable interactions to me. My siblings are resentful of what they feel is the disproportionate amount of our parents' future estate I have received as a result of my being their caregiver - although they will not acknowledge I have been a caregiver. And when I leave for work each day I lock a section of my house to protect my personal belongings from my siblings who visit my mother and pack boxes to be "stored" at their houses until the move. To say this is all unpleasant is an understatement. I am counting down the days until the move and I want to regain balance without any interaction with my family. In time I expect my raw feelings about my mother will subside. However, I don't expect to get over the hurtful words and actions of my siblings. I need some space and do not want to visit my mother for a while after she moves but I am feeling guilty about it. As the daughter of a narcissist I learned early on that my mother's feelings trumped my own so I am struggling with some personal daemons. Any words of wisdom from those of you who have walked this path?

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Serenity--
You hit the nail on the head. One or two children, spouses, whatever will always be there, taking the abuse. The others won't. My dad put up with Mother for 55 years. I have no idea why. She can be nice, she just chooses the people she's nice to. I'm not of them. We all had "labels" in our home. Most beautiful, sweetest, fattest, etc. I am the fat, funny one who is an emotional wreck. All my life I was TOLD I couldn't handle anything, all the while juggling 5 kids lives, a husband who traveled 80% of the time, church responsibilities, taking care of my aging grandmothers and then my FIL, then my Father, now Mother, and she still thinks she can't call me during the day b/c she is afraid I might be "napping". When mother is in the hospital or at a facility (and with almost 100 surgeries of some kind under her belt----there's been plenty of those kinds of stays) I go every single day. If my younger sis goes once, she gets trotted out like a show pony. I can't change mother, I can only change my time exposure to her. So sad, really. I hope none of my kids feel this way about me.
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I have a theory on that JoAnn - maybe on some level they know it is safe to give the people who care a hard time because, as hard as it may get, we really won't turn our backs on them. Heaven knows my father put up with a lot during their 65 years together. Constantly being degraded and criticized but he was always there for her. If you treat someone like that who doesn't care so deeply they will just leave.
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This is what u need to do leave when they get started. Would love to know why they pick on the one child that is willing to do for them and the one that doesn't seem to care is all they talk about.
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My mother is having hip replacement in 3 weeks. She will spend 4-6 weeks in a nursing home, At this point, I am not planning on seeing her even once. She has been so vicious and mean to me. She has a little dementia, but she has always been a narcissistic control freak. She has actually gone "shopping" for her care facility this time as she hated the one she was in last year (and b/c she was angry, she literally screamed at ME (the one sib who'd visit) and threw books at me. At the recommendation of the NH director, I stayed aways for a month. By the time I did go to visit, I went for 15 minutes and the second she got angry, I walked out. This is an elective procedure she's having done and can't wait for the ensuing fuss and drama. I will not be there. Sometimes, we have to self preserve. My 4 other sibs do it, why shouldn't I? True, the NH staff has seen EVERYTHING and they aren't ruffled. I get hurt and cry for days...no more. Anger is killing me.
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Do not visit your mother upon her moving into the nursing home. Most homes allow 2 to 4 weeks of adjustment for the resident. This will give you time to find a therapist to deal with your feelings and resentments toward your mother and family members. Having so much anger is not good for one's health. Best wishes!
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After your answer, I've changed my mind. You have sister with POA to take care of things, I would take a break too. I just didn't want your mom alone at this hard time. Put little stickers on the stuff that you bought, so they don't even think about it!
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Serenity, I will only say one thing, well 2! First, the staff at an AL have seen it ALL. They told us when we put our folks in AL that unlike us kids who had watched the downhill spiral of both parents, This, NOW was the reference point that they had to go by. They did not our folks when they had all kinds of energy and some humor, to boot.!! This makes it easier for the staff do deal with an elderly person, not having watched a slow decade long decline!!

2nd, May God Bless you for your efforts and your concern for your folks!! Take a time for yourself , to regroup and revive! Then, as other posters have said, you will actually be able to enjoy your Mom for the limited time you have with her! Let us know how it goes!
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The thing here is this person has been abused verbally. I just told someone I would have never cared for my Dad if he had outlived Mom. I loved him but he always had a problem with going too far with his "teasing" and it more like abuse. It got worse as his health got worse. He knew how to push my buttons. Having that on a daily basis and not being able to get away....no. He would have been in care facility. To be honest, he would have enjoyed it. He always did better in a hospital/rehab. No worrys, bp down, waited on hand and foot. I bet with her personality she will do OK. She'll have the staff thinking she is a sweet thing plus the residents. She will take her anger out on the daughter. The father probably was a sweetie and took it. Since he died the daughter has taken the brunt and needs a rest. Sorry if this is harsh, but the mother probably won't care. Seems she doesn't take anyone elses feelings into account.
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Seeking.....I know you are probably trying to put things right in your head right now. It seems all families become difficult when it comes to the estate. Even distant or non blood relatives become sick with greed. People you thought would be there for you..... Being a caregiver, means no decent rest and never really saying you are rested. As a caregiver you really don't know what it is like to not be tired. You are not going to change their thinking, so don't try. I agree with most on here that you should have some sort of involvement with your mother now. I agree that her first few weeks will be a total new adjustment for her and she will need you. You don't have to care for her any longer and can just have lunch with her and get to know the staff and your mother again. Don't let the family take you away from your mother. It will be sometime before you adjust to only caring for yourself. Visiting mom will be a piece of cake. When you have rested and regained your life, you will think clearer. I am personally updating my trust and am calling each of my children as I do. I am telling them ahead of time, why I chose this one or that one. One of my daughters could care less and wants nothing as she has everything. The other daughter is a teacher and not that good at money. My son is not that good with care giving but is fantastic with money. We choose people based on what we have learned over the years. If a sibling is calling foul, so what. Your mother and dad did what they felt best at that moment in time. Don't allow the greed to change who you are. Remember God told us not to store up good on earth....and there is no U-haul behind any funeral procession. Take a deep breath and take in LIFE....Do what is best for you but remember that love you have for your mother. Let go of the stress of the siblings and make a life for yourself again.
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I haven't experienced this with Mom but I can sympathize. Take her to the AL unit get her settled in. If she starts tell her you will leave. If she keeps it up, leave. The staff know what to do. She actually will be nice to them probably. Explain ur situation to the head nurse. Tell her u need a few days to regroup. Ask if its OK to call the nurse daily just to check on her. Tell her its OK to call u if she feels your Mom needs something. Better call ur brother.

This has nothing to do with care but just came to me. A friends Mother had lived with a man for eight years. This gave my friend a break because her mother depended on friend for everything. Well he died with no children, no money or insurance. Mother had no money. So friend paid for justthe funeral no viewing. She started getting calls from his nieces saying it was awful she wasn't paying for the viewing. Friend told them if they wanted a viewing they could pay or it. Didn't here from them again. So, if your siblings give you problems, tell them they can care or Mom. I'd even give them POA. You've done your part.
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Thank you for all of the feedback - it is very helpful. My sister has the Power of Attorney and is actually handling all of the details of the move. To answer one of the questions posted - she is moving into an efficiency so there isn't space for much. But a month before my father's death he created a notarized statement that all furniture in my house is not part of the estate and is given to me as acknowledgement of my caregiver role. (When my parents moved in 10 years ago my mother did not like my furniture so most of that was sold or given away and replaced with her choices.) My sisters have found a way around this by convincing my mother she should take all of the furniture. I have no illusion that anything will return to my house.

We are a classic family of a narcissistic mother - one sibling is the narcissist. The other, who has stepped in with all of the answers and is handling all of my mother's affairs, is the martyr striving to be the favorite child. And I am the people-pleaser trying to make everything better. My mother is enjoying all of the attention from the martyr sister right now so I think she may be ok with the move initially. I expect in a few weeks everyone will get busy with their own lives and the constant attention my mother is receiving will wane. That should allow me enough time to regroup and regain my balance. Then I can take her out periodically to her favorite restaurant knowing that afterwards I will be going home to my peaceful house.
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Serenity--
Yes, take time to yourself, Caregiving in the BEST of circumstances is very hard. Having sibs who are not "on board" makes that even harder.
My mother also has a very narcissistic personality and she chooses one child over another & plays us against each other. As this has been the dynamic for almost 60 years, it won't change.
It's GOOD that you hide your things- I had a brother who would have happily robbed me blind of MY stuff, never mind the 3 or 4 items mother or grandma had given me. He felt entitled to EVERYTHING. People who do not have this kind of sibling in their lives cannot understand that one of their own sibs could be so mercenary.
DO take off a few weeks, if you feel that is best. Only you know how she acts/reacts. It will take some time to have your mother settle into the ALF. If she's anything like my mother, she's going to be mad no matter what you do, so go ahead and take 2-3 weeks to pamper yourself a little. The beauty of the assisted living is, when they get combative or nasty, you can walk away. It's hard, but you can do it.
to ilovemom2: you must have a great relationship with your own mother, or you wouldn't even be suggesting that this poor woman spend time getting her mother settled in. I can feel the pain as she writes about her mother and what must have been years of putdowns and stressful living. I am sure she's not ditching her mother--just taking care of herself. People with dementia on top of the narcissistic personality disorder--you can't ever please them. And they don't care. (Not being mean, just stating a fact). At some point, you MUST step away. Hopefully, time will heal the relationships with the sibs--of you want it to. Good luck!!!
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When you care for someone with dementia for long periods of time, you have accomplished a lot. There is nothing that can be said to siblings who do not acknowledge that. Their refusal to treat you fairly, might hurt, but try to move on. They just don't get it.

Please set aside any kind of guilt feelings. They are not appropriate for you. Whatever you got, you deserved. Accept that and ignore others. If they resent you, they will either get over it or not. I wouldn't try to deal with changing their minds.

I think stepping back for a while is a great idea. What I would suggest, assuming that you are the POA/DPOA, you might examine if the AL facility is equipped to handle your mom's daily needs. When I placed my LO into AL, they were not equipped to meet her daily needs. There were a series of events that drew me to the AL on almost a daily basis. Eventually, I had to place her in a Secure Memory Care Unit. She needed help with almost all areas of daily life. So, I would just touch base the first few days to make sure that things are being taken care of before backing off. Good luck.
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I think backing off temporarily is an excellent idea.

My advice to you would be to be very clear with the ALF that you're going to make yourself scarce for a month or so and ask them to do what it is they do to get her oriented.

As and if you transition back into her life, join her for the social programs at first. It will help take focus from each other to some form of entertainment.

WITHOUT APOLOGIZING, let your siblings know you're taking a break. Sounds as if you deserve one.
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Seeking, I have a few questions... You say your siblings are resentful for what you have received for caregiving, who decided and how do you get paid for having your mom live at your house? What do they think is disproportionate? Your siblings come to your house while you are at work, and pack boxes? I moved my mom into assisted living into a three room suite and the only boxes she needed packed where her toiletries, clothing, and photos. My mom had large things like furniture and lamps, but you won't want clutter or anything of value at assisted living. What are they packing up exactly? Don't feel bad about your mother going into assisted living, it was wonderful for my mother, she got the care she needed. I would not retreat right away. This is when your mom will need you the very most. It will be confusing and hard on her at first. I would eat in the dining room with my mom and help her meet the other people there. I would also go and take her down for the activities and performances. You want your mother to adjust and it's in your power to make that happen. In my time there, I met and developed friendships her new caregivers personally and it made my mom's care even better. Wait a couple of weeks before you retreat, you can do it! I have some very nasty sisters and would not be bullied, the staff had my back. After your mom adjusts, you'll have your life back, but if she doesn't adjust it will be more trouble for you. You don't want to dump and run, as much as you feel like it. Sorry, to be so blunt, but I've been there! You can stay strong for a couple extra weeks...
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Wow, been there , done that. I alone took carw of my mother her last year of life. She was 59, the oldest of 6. I am the oldest of 3. NO ONE was around to help. I made sure moms will was leaving everything to her grandchildren. It's been almost 11 years. My aunt and uncle believe what my sister told them. That when Hospice came in i had her euthanized. Twisted!!!! I have had no contact with any of them. Forgave them, but i refuse to let them guilt me into anything. So far 3 of her grandchildren have received their part of their inheritance.
Carry on. You have a life to get back to. Give yourself space to breathe.
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Bless you for caring for your mom for all these three years! It is so common that one sibling is caregiver and the rest line up for helping themselves to possessions. I've heard this more than once. Unbelievable, yet those who didn't help exempt themselves from guilt. Yes, I agree with the first comment...take baby steps with the visits. Retreat if you need to. You have taken punches in life, yet are still resilient. Get a true break from all the madness first!! After the move; change the locks and take a vacation. Take care!!!
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I have no words of wisdom, but I DO have words of encouragement. It sounds like you have a level head and have a good plan in place. It sounds like you are realistic about your mom's behavior and your siblings' behaviors - you know what to expect, and you sound ready.

From what you have written, no one else in your life has your best interests at heart, so it falls to you to do what is best for YOU. Yes, there will be guilt - but there is probably always some level of guilt bubbling around your relationship with your mom, so you can handle this. After a few weeks, make a brief visit and see how it goes. You can make decisions about if and when to resume contact with siblings down the road when you feel it is time. One of the things I expect after MIL passes, is that my hubby will no longer be in contact with his sister & her family. That is his decision, and he feels it is what is best for him and his family . That very well may be the case for you too, only time will tell.

Good luck with the move, I'm sure there will be lots of hic-ups and unexpected drama, but you sound like a very capable person. You sound like someone who thinks things out well & creates a plan - you can do this!
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