Soon I will have surgery that will require 6-10 weeks for recovery. My condition is becoming more painful, but I haven't moved ahead. Thoughts?

It’s often said here that guilt is something you feel when you’ve done something wrong. It’s 100% true.

By putting your mom in a facility while you tend to your own health, you aren’t doing anything wrong. You are doing everything right. You are making sure BOTH of you are receiving the care you need. So do not feel guilty.

Call adult protective services. Explain your situation to them and tell them about your upcoming surgery as well as ask them what they can do to help your mom and you. How soon is your surgery?

Look for an assisted living place or nursing home who would give you this needed break if she has the money to pay for it.

Do you think you've done something wrong by needing surgery?

I think what you feel guilty about is the anticipatory relief generated by the upcoming respite. This would seem to indicate that you are burned out on caregiving and need to make other arrangements for your moms care.

Please don't feel guilty!!!!

#1: Find a really nice Assisted Living community nearby to place mother in while you're recuperating from your surgery.

#2: Make sure it's a place where everybody seems happy (question the residents & the staff) and privately owned vs. corporate, if possible. The corporate owned places have the $$$$ only in mind, it seems to me, while the private places have the RESIDENT in mind.

#3: I say to do all of this homework up front because you'll likely want to KEEP her there after you're all recuperated. And she will likely want to stay for all the activities, meals and new friendships she'll make while staying there.

Guilt? Please reserve that for when you do something wrong. Nobody in their right mind 'wants' to have surgery........you have no other choice in the matter and are doing what's right for BOTH of you.

Good luck!

Grace what if you need a rehab place for a while after surgery? What will you do with parent then? Start looking for a respite care place for her NOW, not when it may become an emergency! And have a back up plan for yourself in case you need some support

An AL would be a good choice. If she is there long enough, maybe she will like it.

There are some assisted living places that offer assistance on a month to month basis. More costly on a month to month basis? Yes. Do they volunteer this info? No, not usually. I found out after a few visits to one that I was considering for my mom.

This place was not a corporately owned facility. It was owned by a group of investors. They will first pitch the long term sales pitch. So you can ask if this option is available if you want to try out a place first before permanent placement.

Place your mom in respite care. Most ALs offer month to month care and respite , though respite costs a bit more per day.
And while you are healing from your surgery, perhaps consider doing some deeper healing work around your guilt. You are meant to thrive and be happy in your life, regardless of what your day to day work appears to be. Offer yourself the care you offer your mom.. it will strengthen you and bring you peace.
best wishes

Read that last sentence of your original post: “I need some uninterrupted time to take care of me...”. Of course you do!

Pay attention to the wise advice you’ve already heard about guilt. Guilt is simply not appropriate in this case.

I recently placed my 90 year old mother in respite care for 2 weeks following a fall. She fought tooth and nail against it but began to enjoy the bingo and craft activities after a few days. She’s made new friends (almost all of hers have died in the past years) and she enjoys visiting with her peers at mealtimes as well. She’s even found a pal who enjoys watching game shows with her. Honestly, I never thought she would adjust so well!

I hope your mom has a similar experience and that your surgery and recovery goes smoothly.

I can identify with your situation. I had to have major liver surgery last year. I was unable to do much or visit my 97-year-old father at the nursing home for 2 months afterwards. In fact, I had to hire a caregiver to look after me. My father became extremely nasty and resentful towards me (I am an only child) because I couldn't visit and he unsuccessfully tried to get my cousins to take over decisions for his care and finances to punish me (even though there were no issues) and he tried unsuccessfully to remove me from his will while I was recovering.

#1: You need to put yourself first. On airplanes, if oxygen drops, you are instructed to hook up your own oxygen first and then your child's. That's because you won't be able to hook up your dependent's oxygen (look after your parent) if you are not alive (unwell).

#2: Don't feel guilty. You are a good person. You are doing your best. That's all any of us can do.

#3: You don't owe anyone, even your parent, your body and soul. You need to take care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself.

#4: The longer you put off the surgery, the more difficult the surgery will likely be and the longer the recovery time.

#4: Placement in a facility, even temporary, can be a good thing for everyone involved sometimes. It will make your parent appreciate you more. Try and pick a good facility like a retirement home. Arrange for someone to look in on your parent regularly during your recovery to make sure everything is okay. If you don't know anyone to do this, ask a volunteer agency to provide some volunteers to help check in on your parent.

Get the surgery done. Go forward guilt-free. I am sending you positive thoughts and support for a speedy recovery. ❤

This is a great 'try before you buy' opportunity for your mother to experience what it is like to be in assisted living, especially if she has a negative attitude to aged care facilities. That was the advice my mother was given by her GP for some years before the inevitable happened. She had a very poor attitude towards nursing homes, having worked as a nurse in the antiquated system some 70 years previously when they were indeed miserable places.
As was the case with my mother, I suggest she might like to be involved in inspecting appropriate places and let her choose from whichever options are available. That way she will feel as if she does have some control over the situation, rather than feeling like she was dumped as an expediency.
Depending on how fragile she is, she may find she really enjoys the company of people more of her age and interests while still having care available 24/7. She might also become a little spoilt by the staff and enjoy that too.
While you are in the recovery phase there is no reason why you could not visit her when you feel strong enough, or at the least, just phone her periodically to check on her welfare.
I hate being told there is no reason to feel guilty, but here am I going to do just that to you. Attending to important health issues is no reason to feel guilty, either for having to place your mother into Respite care or any other arrangements you might be able to make for that matter. If you are not well you will not be able to do justice to the care your mother will increasingly need in the future. Look after you first, so that you can then look after your mother.

How about hiring someone on tasker or one of those type sights? You can get them to help with parents and you get to rest. You may also get them to drive you to therapy, make parents lunch, cook dinner, or put in crock pot, empty trash, do laundry. Pick up your weekly walmart food order. You rest in bed, order from your phone what you need, and you decide on the time it gets picked up. They dont need cash. You get to relax and recoup. Hopefully. Good luck.

Hospice handled this for a friend of mine. The mother was put into a NH while her daughter was dealing with an ailing husband. Also, after the DH passed on and mom was brought back home - hospice kept an eye on my friend and when necessary they arranged for Mom to be taken care of again.

The flip-side is my own DH put off his prostate surgery for years while he was tending wife #1. Eventually, the caregivers needs must be attended to.

This is why so many caregivers pass before the patient. You have to take care of you. I don't really understand why you're feeling guilty but maybe I do a little.

Take care of you or you won't be around to continue taking care of your parent.

I wish that I had the power to eradicate the word "Guilt" from our vocabulary, it has become the buzz word of the 2000's.

In actuality one is suffering from what is known as "False Guilt" as a result of something you have or might do, even though it is not wrong or unethical. False guilt functions as a substitute emotion as a result of habit. Trying to avoid making a decision or losing control of a situation.

Now, it is obvious that you both need a break, and there is nothing wrong with this, it is even healthy for the both of you. Take the time to heal both physically and mentally, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you are self imposing this on yourself.

I hope that everything goes well for you!

I suggest you reach out to family and friends very soon to let them know this is coming. They may have some good suggestions. At the very least, you will let them know why you are taking this course of action.

I delayed some surgery to get my mom moved from Illinois to us in Florida and then to get her moved into her own "place". My "problem" could have been fixed earlier and easier if I hadn't have waited so long.

So why are you feeling guilty about taking care of your own health so you can heal and have less pain? More likely you feel guilty that the situation has changed so the living situation must change, for now. See this as temporary changes that don't "have to" be permanent. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to get your parent's care lined up, but also go ahead schedule your surgery. Delays on your part only allow your pain and your issues to get worse for you over time.

You and I are in a similar boat as I am in the process of getting my dad placed into respite care temporarily. He is a veteran, and is in a Homebased Care program that offers free respite.

The veteran is allowed 30 days per calendar year with no more than two weeks per stay.A two night trial and a TB test are the requirements.

As well some paperwork.

Locate a long term respite facility for mom. You must take care of yourself and have this needed surgery, else you'll be good to no one.

Oh my goodness, Grace, take guilt out of your vocabulary. You must never feel guilty about taking care of yourself medically and especially not emotionally. You are giving up a large part of your life so that Parent can live safely in your love and in your home. Don’t put it off any longer, heed these fine suggestions and get yourself feeling good again.
Big smile for you!

Find the Facility so you can Focus on your own Ability. Good Luck and God Bless.xx

Let me tell you how it went for me when I had an emergency bowel rupture and no care in place.

We have plenty of family around yet there was no one available for overnight stays with my mom. There was plenty of name calling and backstabbing that I got to miss out on. I was in the hospital 3 weeks and about 8 weeks convalescent care. They managed somehow. They had to.

My first night home I was left alone with my mom and not only was I weak and in pain but I had not learned how to use the appliances I needed for my colostomy. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom with blowouts and such while mom was alone.

I had multiple surgeries following and it was the same every time. I told my mom: this is it. It’s just us and we have to deal with it. You may have to wait for me at times and the house is just going to be dirty but we will make it through.

Looking back, the hardest part for my mom was how badly she wanted to help ME but was unable to. For me it was standing by her frustrated because I couldn’t lift or support her and had to give her directions to help herself.

Go through with your current plans without guilt. You can be no help to her disabled and you need the time to heal well.

Good luck,

charlotte

GUILT is apparently a common theme/problem for those of us who are our parent's caretaker. We become racked with guilt & in the long run it ends up hurting both us & our loved one.

My mother was in a Long-Term Nursing facility each time I needed major life-saving surgery; so, in that respect, I was fortunate. But I had put off the 2nd surgery for over a year because my mother was so demanding - a really stupid decision in retrospect.

Frankly, I you don't take care of yourself & allow yourself to heal properly, then you won't be able to take care of yourself, let alone your mom.

I ended up needing to go to a counselor after Mom died because I had tried to do everything by myself & I was only one person in a no-win situation.

I'm sure you love your mom but please don't do what I did to myself. Allow yourself to have a life not just an existence. We only live on this earth once.