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Reason? My parent lives with me and is semi dependent upon me. I am looking for a facility for her for about two months. I need time to heal physically, emotionally, (I need a break), and she needs care and a break from me, I'm sure. But I'm feeling really guilty about this option. I need some uninterrupted time to take care of me.....


Any thoughts?

#1: Find a really nice Assisted Living community nearby to place mother in while you're recuperating from your surgery.

#2: Make sure it's a place where everybody seems happy (question the residents & the staff) and privately owned vs. corporate, if possible. The corporate owned places have the $$$$ only in mind, it seems to me, while the private places have the RESIDENT in mind.

#3: I say to do all of this homework up front because you'll likely want to KEEP her there after you're all recuperated. And she will likely want to stay for all the activities, meals and new friendships she'll make while staying there.

Guilt? Please reserve that for when you do something wrong. Nobody in their right mind 'wants' to have surgery........you have no other choice in the matter and are doing what's right for BOTH of you.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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PowerOf3 Jan 6, 2020
I’m with you Lealonnie, I’d bet my bottom dollar mom may want to stay after the surgery and healing have passed. Unfortunately I’d guess the guilt comes in when OP doesn’t want to bring her back because she may feel better and realize it’s better care for each of them.
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It’s often said here that guilt is something you feel when you’ve done something wrong. It’s 100% true.

By putting your mom in a facility while you tend to your own health, you aren’t doing anything wrong. You are doing everything right. You are making sure BOTH of you are receiving the care you need. So do not feel guilty.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Do you think you've done something wrong by needing surgery?

I think what you feel guilty about is the anticipatory relief generated by the upcoming respite. This would seem to indicate that you are burned out on caregiving and need to make other arrangements for your moms care.

Please don't feel guilty!!!!
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Place your mom in respite care. Most ALs offer month to month care and respite , though respite costs a bit more per day.
And while you are healing from your surgery, perhaps consider doing some deeper healing work around your guilt. You are meant to thrive and be happy in your life, regardless of what your day to day work appears to be. Offer yourself the care you offer your mom.. it will strengthen you and bring you peace.
best wishes
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Reply to gemmab123
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I can identify with your situation. I had to have major liver surgery last year. I was unable to do much or visit my 97-year-old father at the nursing home for 2 months afterwards. In fact, I had to hire a caregiver to look after me. My father became extremely nasty and resentful towards me (I am an only child) because I couldn't visit and he unsuccessfully tried to get my cousins to take over decisions for his care and finances to punish me (even though there were no issues) and he tried unsuccessfully to remove me from his will while I was recovering.

#1: You need to put yourself first. On airplanes, if oxygen drops, you are instructed to hook up your own oxygen first and then your child's. That's because you won't be able to hook up your dependent's oxygen (look after your parent) if you are not alive (unwell).

#2: Don't feel guilty. You are a good person. You are doing your best. That's all any of us can do.

#3: You don't owe anyone, even your parent, your body and soul. You need to take care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself.

#4: The longer you put off the surgery, the more difficult the surgery will likely be and the longer the recovery time.

#4: Placement in a facility, even temporary, can be a good thing for everyone involved sometimes. It will make your parent appreciate you more. Try and pick a good facility like a retirement home. Arrange for someone to look in on your parent regularly during your recovery to make sure everything is okay. If you don't know anyone to do this, ask a volunteer agency to provide some volunteers to help check in on your parent.

Get the surgery done. Go forward guilt-free. I am sending you positive thoughts and support for a speedy recovery. ❤
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Reply to anonymous1000452
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Call adult protective services. Explain your situation to them and tell them about your upcoming surgery as well as ask them what they can do to help your mom and you. How soon is your surgery?

Look for an assisted living place or nursing home who would give you this needed break if she has the money to pay for it.
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Reply to NoTryDoYoda
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Grace what if you need a rehab place for a while after surgery? What will you do with parent then? Start looking for a respite care place for her NOW, not when it may become an emergency! And have a back up plan for yourself in case you need some support
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Read that last sentence of your original post: “I need some uninterrupted time to take care of me...”. Of course you do!

Pay attention to the wise advice you’ve already heard about guilt. Guilt is simply not appropriate in this case.

I recently placed my 90 year old mother in respite care for 2 weeks following a fall. She fought tooth and nail against it but began to enjoy the bingo and craft activities after a few days. She’s made new friends (almost all of hers have died in the past years) and she enjoys visiting with her peers at mealtimes as well. She’s even found a pal who enjoys watching game shows with her. Honestly, I never thought she would adjust so well!

I hope your mom has a similar experience and that your surgery and recovery goes smoothly.
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Reply to Suz123
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An AL would be a good choice. If she is there long enough, maybe she will like it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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This is a great 'try before you buy' opportunity for your mother to experience what it is like to be in assisted living, especially if she has a negative attitude to aged care facilities. That was the advice my mother was given by her GP for some years before the inevitable happened. She had a very poor attitude towards nursing homes, having worked as a nurse in the antiquated system some 70 years previously when they were indeed miserable places.
As was the case with my mother, I suggest she might like to be involved in inspecting appropriate places and let her choose from whichever options are available. That way she will feel as if she does have some control over the situation, rather than feeling like she was dumped as an expediency.
Depending on how fragile she is, she may find she really enjoys the company of people more of her age and interests while still having care available 24/7. She might also become a little spoilt by the staff and enjoy that too.
While you are in the recovery phase there is no reason why you could not visit her when you feel strong enough, or at the least, just phone her periodically to check on her welfare.
I hate being told there is no reason to feel guilty, but here am I going to do just that to you. Attending to important health issues is no reason to feel guilty, either for having to place your mother into Respite care or any other arrangements you might be able to make for that matter. If you are not well you will not be able to do justice to the care your mother will increasingly need in the future. Look after you first, so that you can then look after your mother.
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Reply to anonymous275216
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