5 years ago my mom moved in with me because she became blind in one eye, couldn’t drive anymore, and totally relied on neighbors to do things for her. I lived 2 hours away and HAD to do something. She was not ready for a nursing home and at that time it was the “perfect” time to sell her house because a young relative wanted to buy it for years! So she finally agreed but REMINDS ME ALL THE TIME that I was the one who MADE her sell her house and move in with me. At first it was good. She had an attitude (as usual) and she got around good. Now, at 84 she is declining and just was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She blames me everyday for something which I understand is part of the disease, but she always did anyway before. It’s just now, it drives me absolutely crazy!

She refuses to do anything, all she does is her word search. I only leave her alone for a couple hours. She gets mad when I go on vacation with my husband because she goes to stay with a relative. She’ll go but complains afterwards. She refuses to pay for someone to come in and help me, she says if I want to go somewhere I SHOULD PAY FOR IT, and it’s not fair. I actually have to take money from her without her knowing to pay someone. She thinks they are doing it for Free! She refuses to let me take over anything. Money, pills. I just took over her pills but she finds ways to steal Tylenol and take them. I hide them but she finds them. I looked into a personal care facility but she REFUSES TO GO. I took her there for lunch to show her the place and she was rude beyond belief, started to cry and it was just ridiculous. She told me she’s not going to a “Home” and she took care of me and my brother and I’m terrible!

Everyday is something. My husband is a saint.

I do have POA Financially and medically but no facility will take her unwillingly! I’m beginning to dislike her more and more and struggle everyday to not fight with her. HELP

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If Mom becomes incompetent to make her own decisions then as POA you can place her.

Ask her if she is so unhapoy would she like a place of her own. Tell her u will take her to some ALs so she can see how nice they r.
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I had your situation except mother lived in a senior residence that provided maid service, meals and transportation. Mother is a narcissist and used to getting her way. As the Alzheimer's wore on, she got meaner and nastier and more confused. But there was NO way she was going anywhere and she became paranoid thinking I was plotting to put her in a facility(I was!).

She loved going to the doctor so I told her that we had an appointment. It was a long drive but it worked. I told her we'd first stop for lunch somewhere. It was the Memory Care facility. I had been given permission to stay the first night with her. She caught on that something was amiss. I slipped out after breakfast. I didn't visit for a couple of weeks and when I visited, she was mad and physically attacked me. The nurse pulled her off me. She said she didn't want to be there but I kept changing the subject. In time, she grew to like it.

You will have to be sneaky. It's just a fact of life when dealing with dementia. You may have to take her in the back door for "lunch" if she'd recognize the front of the facility.

You are the POA. The only time that power can be used is when she can no longer make rational decisions. That time has come. It's not what she says, YOU are now in control of the decisions for her.
I have heard that the police can do an "extraction" if necessary but I would try anything else and use that as a last resort.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament. After she is placed, you will have your first great nights sleep in a long time, knowing she's safe and taken care of. Expect her to be angry but you'll live through it.

Whatever you do, DON'T give in to tears and begging and bring her home again. You will NEVER get her back in there.

Oh, and that "unwillingly" cr*p they tell you, it's not true or EVERY dementia patient would say "no". You have the legal right to act on her behalf.
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She sold her house, you did not force her to do it. She uses this as a way to make you responsible for her. You are not, you only need to be sure she is safe and cared for.

At this point it sounds like a facility is in her near future, whether she likes it or not.

When parents tell their children that they took care of them as children and how terrible you are, it is mind games and should not be tolerated. Okay, I'm terrible and you have a new address.

She will only get worse, so please take care of you and let the professionals take care of her. She is not entitled to hijack your life.

Who wants someone that makes them miserable living in their house? I just don't get not being a good house guest and that is what she is, she should be grateful for the years you've given her, may have gotten her more of them. Seniors behave in ways that they would have spanked their kids for, go figure.
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No one looks forward to going to a nursing home. And none of us is happy about having to place a loved one in a facility. However, when the time comes that it’s them or us and they are the needy one, they are the one who has to go. I’ve said before that when parents who live with us consider it a right and not a privilege, it’s an issue from day one. Perhaps you did rush her to sell her home so the younger relative could buy it and perhaps that has caused major resentment in her. However, you’ve done your time. Mom has you on an extraordinary guilt trip. She has a lot to say about what you should do. She has many opinions of how she thinks things in YOUR HOUSE should be. Someone apparently has left her in charge. When she doesn’t get her way, she reacts, like a preschooler with tears and rudeness. Unfortunately we can’t put an adult In time out.

Mom’s Alzheimer’s will become more difficult to deal with. You’re already burned out heading into this and this could push you, your husband and your marriage over the edge. It’s time to make a choice. Some posters on this site are appalled and disgusted by trickery. But if your mother absolutely refuses and throws fits at the idea of a facility, it’s what you might need to do. Failing that, Mom may need to bop back and forth between you and the relative and with progressing dementia, this could prove disastrous.

Reserve a room and buy her bunches of word
search books. Put her favorite things there to make it more comfortable. Take her for lunch, then leave. Meet with the Director of Nursing and let them know she’ll be pitching tantrums. Then don’t visit for a week. Use her funds while you file for Medicaid. It won’t be easy, but for your own health, it needs to be done.
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anonymous787610 Sep 2018
Thank you Ahmijoy!
While I do agree I should take her there and “run-away” it gets more complicated! My relatives (her sister) is telling me it’s not fair to her to put her in one in Ohio where I live. She thinks I should put her in one where she lives!! So she could visit! I think she has only visited my mom maybe 2 times in 5 years!! Plus her money is an issue too. She can’t apply for Medicaid until I figure out what to do with her money that she won’t let me touch!!! I’ve been sneaking her money to pay for a friend of mine to stay with her if I leave for more than 4 hours.
Another thing is I have MS. 6 years now. I’m really doing well but my husband is worrying that this is going to affect my health . I get that but my mom tells me to stop thinking about my MS like it will go away or something!
I hVe a brother who lives far away and who would take her but she refuses to go there too! Every other day she tells me she is going some where but when I get so pissed if she starts to cry and says she loves it here and says we r done arguing. I know it’s a guilt trip. It has been all my life.
Everyone loves my mother who doesn’t live with her. My aunt another sister of hers had her for 2 months last year for thanksgiving and Christmas and couldn’t wait for her to come home. This is a disaster!!
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