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Both in middle 80's ,also verbally abuses toward other family members. sweet as pie to outsiders. Looking for help and advise. Concerned about father who will not leave.

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Society back a half century ago had different ideas regarding marriage compared to today.

If husband and wives have been scrapping with each other from day one, one has to look into the history as to why the couple got married. Was it an arranged marriage? It sounded like a good idea at the time marriage? I will get even marriage? I am 18 and can do what I want marriage? The parents wouldn't approve of anyone else marriage? A shot-gun marriage? He/she was the only person of the same religion in town who was single marriage? Or he/she had an affair during the marriage so I won't forgive ever marriage?
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I agree with Captain that the nature of a relationship should be worked out early on. If Dad has accepted this treatment for years, that is his choice and it is not up to you to interfere.

But if this is of recent origin, I respect your dad's loyalty. He is not willing to walk out on a lifetime relationship when it begins to go sour. The way you can help in that case is to try to get to the bottom of why the changes have occurred and then learn ways to cope and help Dad cope with what you find out.
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when i met my ex we were only about 23 yrs old . she would wake up cold , hateful and snappy in the mornings . she said she just wasnt a morning person . i had to explain that i wasnt a person who would be abused every morning either . i guess we divorced at 40 yrs old but my point is that the abusive , hateful stuff stopped at 23 -- as soon as it started . your dad is being walked on because he permits it . i dont think a third party can change that relationship .
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If this abusive behavior has been part of their relationship (and hers with other family members) forever, then it is what it is, and your best bet is to accept it or avoid being around it much.

If this is new with old age, medical evaluation is the first step. As ff says, it could be some acute condition like uti that would be treatable, to everyone's relief. If it is a chronic condition, such as dementia, then the sooner you know what you are up against, the sooner you can learn how to deal with it.

As, blannie says, if your mom is just a nasty person, well, I don't guess there is a medical intervention for that.
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44golfer, if this problem with your Mom just started recently, you might have a doctor check her for an urinary tract infection.... such an infection can cause an elderly person to become abusive.... meds can clear it up.
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thank you... consulting her doctors.
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I don't know that there's much you can do about verbal abuse if the person being abused won't leave. You could suggest that he leave the room when she starts in...but I think the better plan for you is to realize that their relationship is between them and if neither party is wanting to or willing to change, you will only make yourself crazy by trying to change things.

The other possibility is if mom has some mental issues that you could get addressed through some medical intervention, that might help. But if she's just a nasty person to her family and is mentally healthy, then leave when she starts in and be firm consistent with that approach. "Mom, you're clearly upset, so I'm leaving."
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